Kira Mary

Day to Day

2011-10-12T12:53:00.002-04:00

So, what happened to me? Why did I stop blogging, you might ask. The truth is that life continues. You eat, sleep, and work, and the world goes on. I can truthfully say after the trauma in my life in the last years I am starting to feel marginally normal. On the other hand, as soon as something is happening out of the ordinary I jump back into trauma mode, certain that a catastrophe is about to strike. Living like that is scary. My nerves have a lot of retraining to experience yet. In the past weeks I actually started thinking about things like going for a jog and got rather excited. Unfortunately, getting into that condition will take some work. Somewhere in the muddle of summer I broke my foot, the little toe metatarsal on the outside of my foot. So I spent the last four weeks dragging around a boot. Walking like that has a way of confining a mother to just simple daily tasks, nothing else. I have been blessed to be able to accomplish even that.

But really truthfully, what happened to blogging? Well, the baby is high maintenance, and seems to be fairly demanding about quality time with his mother. And the boy thing, wow, people told me they eat all the time. In his case it is really true. I should have known,since he's a chip off the old block. Kudos to my mother-in-law who raised four of this gender. They are definitely consumers. The other day my little eleven month old son was on the kitchen floor whimpering with his head between his knees. Goodness, must be bad! All that was wrong was that he was hungry. It had been an hour!

Truthfully, where have I been? I am running an inn. Truthfully, is that all? No, not all. I have been raising two girls. Clothing, feeding, and training them to be women.

Okay, it's hard for me to admit the truth because it involves so many changes. We are building a house, rather, my husband is building the house. I am holding down the fort.

So, back to the question "What have I been doing?" I could continue to weave around this one but I will just be out with it. Nothing I dreamed of doing, nothing I would have come close to attempting three years ago, but sometime in the next approximately two months you will see a new arrival in the book world. "Wounded Trust" will make it's appearance. Yes, I became an author. You might say "How in the world?" Basically, it was God. You might say I don't want to read a book about death. Yes, it is about death because Kira did die. But more than that it is about life in God. Hope beyond this world. The grace of God. Maybe even more than that, yet it is about the dare to embrace life no matter what your plate may hold, and to keep on trusting. The main core of the book started with the blog entries. They have been restructured, some have more reality in them, and then much more.

As I wrote the last chapter to "Wounded Trust" I felt myself being okay with my life, the happenings of the last two years. They have become part of being shaped into a woman who loves Jesus more. No, there is not so much pain there anymore, and yet just yesterday I found those crazy pelican socks I had bought for her weeks before her death. They are purple with black, white, and red penquins. I cried. I miss her just like the yesterday of February 18, 2009. I realize more than ever that this pain will stay with me for life. In 20 years when I look at these socks I will still get a lump in my throat. The pain is just going to be here. It is still mine to look at every day I live on this imperfect earth.

Marylu, Merlin, the girls, and a boy

Mountain Top

2011-02-19T14:34:00.007-05:00

Without the valley-there would be no mountain. It's the view from the top that makes the valley look beautiful.

Two years ago today our three-year-old lost her breath in front of me.... right here in this room. I watched, horrified - as I realized that she was not going to start breathing on her own. Panic threatened to overtake me as I frantically tried to remember how to start CPR. Seconds later I was on the bathroom floor yelling at the 911 operator to help me remember what to do and how. That horrific moment - among others - still stands out in my mind. That was only the beginning of the valley. Minutes later my neighbor (and EMT) rushed in and together we worked to revive Kira. The ambulance crew soon arrived and took over attempting to stabilize her. As I reached for the phone and called my sister I could feel my panic and adrenaline being replaced with fear as I yelled into the phone "Kira is dying". The words seemed to rush out of my mouth and chill everything around. What seemed like hours (in reality, eight minutes) later I watched through blurred eyes as the ambulance sped out of our drive and up the road with Kira in the back and her daddy in the front. Time seemed to stop as I tried to collect myself and go to the hospital. Life became a mad cycle of running to the hospital and juggling feeding the baby as I tried to stay collected the next five days. My fears became valid and I confronted them as the fifth day came and we said good bye to Kira as she peacefully slipped from this world into the next... And then this journey of relearning my trust in God.

A year ago we had a party. A celebration party of Kira's life here and in heaven. Somehow I felt God was calling me to celebrate with my whole heart. Even harder was the call to celebrate other people's children amidst the pain of losing my own. The past year had been very difficult for us and I was starting to feel like we were coming out of the gutter. Merlin had been sick for months. In August Anna sprained her ankle and I had a miscarriage. It was only the start of my downward journey. I was simply worn out. Also in August, Marlea had poison ivy and fought it off and on until finally it became systemic and her whole body reacted to it. She too was worn down physically. I was rescued from my coming crash (better interpreted a nervous breakdown) by our doctor, although I will say that the drugs are still in the cabinet - unopened. I keep them there to remind myself how close I was to an emotional breakdown. By February and the year mark we were all on the healing road. The party was good - it felt okay to celebrate Kira's heaven date. Plus the amazing support we felt from everyone that came to celebrate with us was also very healing. In the weeks that followed I continued to feel healing and a release of my own will.

Weeks later we were pleasantly surprised to realize that we were expecting a baby. We simply did not expect it. Not opposed, we both really wanted another child. Especially Marlea who had prayed fervently every day since Kira's death. The pictures on her door strongly alluded to her heart's desire. The next months were difficult for me as I grappled with grieving and being joyful about the baby. Joy and sadness seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum. I wasn't quite up to it physically. That combined with the hot summer had me pretty much exhausted most days.

So it happened that on November 11, 2010 we welcomed Brent Jaxon into the world. It was a calm, fairly uneventful delivery (as much as childbirth can be:). Minutes later as I lay holding our son I suddenly realized that I am lying in a hospital bed holding a baby. My mind flashed back to the night at Hershey holding Kira as her heart beat it's last. Instinctively in my head I compared it to now - holding a new baby. Amazement filled my heart. Earlier the nurse had been asking about our family and I had shared a little about Kira. Now they were asking more questions. I suddenly realized I was lying in this bed all this time and didn't even think about the bed similarity until now. As I talked with them more, they shared my grief with tears and more questions. But strangely I wasn't crying. A feeling rose up inside of me, a feeling of being okay with everything. Yes, here I was - I was okay. It seemed like part of my life - a life that was mine. Weeks earlier God had told me that I would have an experience through Brent's birth that would be a mountaintop. This was my mountaintop. I could feel it, I literally felt on the top - even viewing the valley from the top. Praise filled me for the faithfulness of God. Yes, that valley; yes, this mountaintop. But it would not be a mountaintop without the valley. I gazed in gratefulness at our son, Brent - whose name means "mountaintop."

No, we didn't try to name him that because of thinking it's going to be a mountaintop. When Kira was in the womb we thought she might be a boy. To be safe, we found a boy name we liked. Obviously we didn't need it. When Anna was born we kept it on the back shelf again just in case. When we found out that this baby was to be a boy, we somewhat automatically named him Brent. We didn't even realize that the name meant mountaintop. We just liked the name.

The power of that experience carried me through the next weeks. I missed Kira tremendously. The combination of adjusting to a baby - hormonal changes that come with birth, and the Christmas season - proved to be a terrible combination for me. Merlin was also dealing with the changes except that men tend to retreat, which only made my pain worse. Many days I felt as if I could hardly go on... then the realness of my mountaintop experience would come back. It wouldn't bring me out of my sorrow, but it did convince me that sometime I will be okay again. It was the taste of the "feeling" that kept my head up.

When Brent was three weeks old he was having breathing difficulty.
I took him to the doctor and then for a chest x-ray; his chest was clear. A few nights later I awakened to the sensation that something was wrong. I jumped out of bed-paranoid. His head was cold but he was still breathing although labored. I was just downright scared. Fear came crawling into my heart that God would give us a son and then take him away again. He was better after his feeding but I held him the rest of the night. And yes, one could have guessed; it was the weekend so into the ER we went. I couldn't believe it. Us, here again. It's like God just wants us to be okay with going there and facing our fears. I wasn't too surprised with the whole ordeal. God had told me a while ago that something will happen with Brent that I will learn to trust Him more. I pretended it was my imagination...but then I knew I had heard it. Yes, I did learn to trust Him more through it. But in a different way than with all the other episodes. I felt like God was simply calling me to face my fear - maybe even confront my feeling of helplessness. I learned a lot more about conquering my fear simply because there was something to do. Kira's death left me with a terrible feeling that there is nothing to do. God showed me through the experience with Brent that often just a simple something takes care of the problem; it's not always a drastic complicated outcome. In his case all it took was a nebulizer treatment. We did it at home for a few weeks afterward and he has been fine since. He just couldn't move the mucous. Or maybe God just wants us to walk into the ER so often until we don't even think it strange anymore?

Christmas came and went. Lots of feelings again - mostly sad. Strangely Marlea was sick for about two weeks again right before Christmas. Sorta added to my loss of sanity. I can't say I do really well with all of the above on a pile. The one day, I took Marlea for a doctor appointment; I made the appointment at one place and went to another location. They looked at me as if I might be a little shady. I just smiled and said "Well, I guess I am still post-partum." I was glad for the excuse. "Here - give my daughter a fix so I can get my sanity back again" is what I was thinking. It was nice to look back on Christmas day and feel the difference between last Christmas and this Christmas. This past one was definitely easier for all of us. I still keenly felt the desire to be joyful on Christmas but it is so difficult when not everyone is there and you know someone will never be again on this earth. We tried to distract ourselves but I can't say it really worked really well. At midnight after I had finally convinced Brent to settle down - I was exhausted, worn out emotionally and physically. I cried and cried, then went to bed and slept. The next day I awoke and it was not Christmas any more and the world looked brighter. In fact, ever since that the world has been looking brighter again. I feel like I am finally accepting Kira's death.

In turn I am blessed with a peace unknown to me before. I feel real joy. Some of it comes out of feeling hypocritical. I was raised in a Christian home and taught to be obedient to God and His will. Not accepting Kira's death to me felt so disobedient. I knew I had to fight through it because I couldn't deny the obvious, neither ignore the grief cycle if I wanted to heal. To not accept it took patience and trust that my wounded heart would heal and I would feel peaceful again. I feel it coming. I've been told I look happy again. I am amazed how much better I am feeling physically. The muscle bunchies leave me the whole way some days and I have a lot more energy. It just takes lots of energy to grieve!

A few observations from the last three months

What do you do with a little girl who thinks turning three will make her die? She doesn't want to go to Jesus, she says.

I look at Brent - he will never know Kira on earth. That seems wrong because they are both part of our family.

We have lived two years without Kira. Next year it will be as long without her as with her.

It takes wisdom and thoughtfulness as a mother to remember to ask the seven-year-old every several days what she is thinking and to purposely spend time with her, reflecting on her feelings about Kira and her death. Unfortunately though I am her mother; I am human and not perfect.

Men and women still grieve differently two years later

Anna turns three in April. Her actions and antics somewhat remind me of Kira and how much I was enjoying her. After she turns three - I will be reminded constantly of what I lost with Kira.

I fear still someone I loved being taken from me...then I am reminded of the definition of "mine"

God has unique ways of making me stronger

God's timing is always right

God gave us a visible sign to help us remember the mountaintop

Brent is God's sign to Marlea that He heard her prayer. She wanted Kira to live; she died. Then God gave us Brent!

Life and death are so opposite. Likewise the feelings that go with them.

I live in awe of a God who gives and a God who takes away. In times of doubt - I am learning to trust

When Anna was born, Kira was simply overbearing. I have many pictures of her bending over Anna; and Anna is screaming "bloody murder." We have the same scenario again. Only this time Anna is overbearing and Brent is screaming. Why don't babies like two-year-olds? It must be that fear of the unknown.

Rejoice with us for the gift of life God gave in Brent and how we are learning more about God through his birth. Also for the healing and joy we feel in our hearts, and for the valley and mountaintop.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna, and Brent

Reactions

2010-10-29T16:05:00.004-04:00

Reactions-we all have them. Reactions to people, circumstances, or something that just really sets us off. We are all different so we all react in our own unique way. We even get demanding about needing space while we react. We spend time thinking of excuses for ourselves, or try to explain our way out of our own human-ness.

A few weeks ago in this house we all had our own reactions. The tombstone made its arrival by way of Merlin's truck. Marlea and Anna thought it was great to go with Daddy to pick up Kira's tombstone. I grimaced and my stomach turned at the thought of it being great to go pick up your sister's tombstone. I reacted by living out my sullen angry feelings. They were excited and proud of it-I was not. They tried to persuade me to go out and look at it in the truck-I did not want to see it in Merlin's truck. To me, the taste of death stinks and that is what the tombstone felt to me that day. Later Merlin took it to the graveyard and laid it on the grave because he didn't have the correct material to put it in place. Finally on Sunday after church I could no longer deny that it belongs to me. I went and looked at it-sullenly of course. I found Marlea lying on the stone with a smile on her face-I took only one glance and muttered that it's nice. Merlin was very gracious to me, giving me the space I needed to react to my feelings. He designed the tombstone himself so it would have been nice to be receiving compliments instead of grimaces from his wife. He too was having his own reactions only being a man it was the thing to do to put up the tombstone. Marlea kept asking me if I like it. "Yes", I replied, just not there! More like I wanted to yell "I hate it!" It could have been the most unique tombstone available on the face of the earth and I would still be grimacing and mad.

So I left and my family followed me to the van. I managed to tell Merlin that it is very nice. Anna had her own two year old reaction by screaming life-threatening screams as we drove down the road. To her the tombstone was part of our family, something we should take along - not leave in the graveyard. Why would we leave it in the graveyard after picking it up in Daddy's truck? She wanted to bring it home to our house. When we arrived home I was thinking on these things when Marlea came into the kitchen carrying her beloved "Bowl Hat". I was sure she was going to say that she is going to use it again. Like I had written two months ago, it was under the bed. She handed it to me. "I don't need this anymore" she said. Words were trying to come out of my gaping mouth as I stared at her. Alas I had no words for such a change. I had not expected to ever receive that bowl back. And here she was giving it to me after lying in the graveyard with her head on her deceased sister's tombstone. I took it, but was totally confused by the series of events. So that was the last thing for her - putting the tombstone over Kira's grave? To me the action brought reactions - nasty, ugly, sullen, angry ones. To my daughter it brought closure, peace, and acceptance. I felt slapped in the face.

So I thought about it, tried to talk about it with my friends, let myself be angry again. My mind played the "what if" games again as I struggled with God about giving back my daughter before I thought it was time. In the end I decided to accept the tombstone. After all, if I didn't I would have to face my daughters questions and probes for the next fifty years. Maybe acceptance was the easy way out but it surely does brings more peace. The next Sunday I went to the graveyard again. Two of my friends went with me along with a bunch of Marlea's and Anna's friends. This time it was set upright in place and Marlea was riding it full of grins. It was easier this time and we all shed some tears. It makes it easier to accept when I realize that it is not only painful for me to look at it, but also for others. As I gazed at it I realized that it is a really nice tombstone. It has her picture engraved, the Jesus "Rock of Ages" symbol from the picture on her blog, and her name. As I stared at it I also realized that we had forgotten to put daughter of on. But I don't really care. At least my name isn't there with hers. Somehow it eased the pain and I breathed a sigh of relief. The next Sunday I went again. Now it's less bitter. I feel okay about it. I still can't say that I like it, but I do say it's a nice tombstone if there ever was such a thing.

I seem to have had numerous other reactions. Anna is growing and is now two and a half. She and Marlea are starting to actually play things that make sense together. Once again I hear little feet trotting after each other, someone hollering "Mia", and a little voice singing God is Great at the table before meals. It's nice but I find myself being afraid of it. It reminds me too much of "how it used to be." I attempt to face the fear and remind myself that it's not a valid fear. The actual fear is simply the fear of Anna also being taken to heaven. I need not fear it because God is in control. If I really trust Him like I say I do then it should not be a fear. But alas, I am human. My fear does not keep me from enjoying her antics and play. I smile and thank God for the healing that we have experienced. Even if it means not thinking about the "hole" so much. I thank God also for Anna's vast vocabulary and how that makes it so much easier for her and Marlea to play and communicate.

I am also reacting to upcoming changes in our family. Baby four is due in several days. Changes - good ones but it makes me miss the "Sunshine" girl who played such a vital part in our family. I realize that she would be helping me a lot with the baby especially when Marlea is at school. She would also be playing with Anna. Instead Anna is making baby noises and screams in preparation for baby four's arrival. A few days ago I decided that there is no other way to make room for baby four without putting some of Kira's clothes away. It was terribly hard to do, and still feels like betrayal almost two years later. Memories are still fresh in my mind. Anna reacted by standing in a corner and screaming. She made big bold statements like "Kira doesn't need this anymore because she is up in heaven". Or-"Kira won't mind if I wear this because she is in heaven". It added to my pain but the bluntness and truth she spoke also helped me keep in focus that it is simply the truth. Some of her clothes fit Anna so I didn't need to put them all away. I freely admit that there are some clothes in Anna's drawer that are quite oversized for her little self. Until Anna grows into them, they still belong to Kira.

Pray for us in the changes that are coming. Pray that we will enjoy and embrace now and it's joy fully. It seems possible for this baby to bring more healing for all of us. Our God is mysterious!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, and Anna

Perspective

2010-09-03T13:05:00.003-04:00

I have become different. I cannot detour around that truth. Grief and pain have changed me and my perspectives on life. A few weeks ago, my cousin was killed in Afghanistan. He and nine others were part of a mobile eye clinic in a remote part of the country. They were ambushed, robbed and killed. A week and a half later we attended his memorial service. During that time I found myself unable to properly grieve and mourn his death. In fact, I was thoroughly confused. Sunday at his memorial service I was finally able to cry. Then the tears came in torrents and I was out of control. Days later I decided I still haven't really mourned his death. My longing to enter heaven has stolen and replaced what would have been my feelings of grief for the loss of his life. Yes, that envy has stolen my ability to grieve. Why would I grieve my own loss when he is experiencing heaven? I want to go there...not that I want to leave my loved ones, but my desire for heaven is burning. The small taste God gave me the night Kira died will stay with me forever. The peace heaven gives and the feeling of everything being perfect: no more worries, cares, strife, war, arguments, or different opinions about life. My perspective on death has changed. I always grieved for my loss of connection with that person. I still do to some extent. Now-my grief is more associated with the living and the pain they will endure until heaven can be real for them. My tears at the memorial service were for my aunt, uncle and their family. I still have some balancing to do; I am still partially confused.

God also showed me in a funny way that other people's perspectives are different than mine. It broadened my horizon and allowed me to be more okay with however they would like to perceive me. Last week we were walking out of a restaurant. Marlea and Anna were ahead of me. I must have looked tired. A kind looking middle-aged couple was outside eating ice cream. The man was watching the girls. He looked at me and said "I bet they are a handful". The words were already coming out of my mouth to inform him that no they really are not but when there were three of them I was busy. I bit my tongue, smiled and replied "Yes they are." For the first time since Kira's death, I felt myself allow a person's perspective on our family to remain as it appears. In turn I felt God showing me that my perspective on death has changed and that is okay. But that is for me to feel and not everyone else. Each person grieves differently and for different reasons. My respect of those different reasons along with my respect for the Christian body of believers is growing.

Anna is learning to ride a bike with training wheels. She can barely reach the petals now. Her eyes glisten with pride as I try to help her. They remind me so much of the same pride I saw in her sister as she learned to ride the bike. In Kira's eyes she became Marlea's equal because she could ride bike also. For Anna, she is simply being proud of turning the petals. I miss that fierce competition between Marlea and Kira. It made for crazy times....

Praise God for the ability to feel, choose, and express our emotions. Also for good health!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Bowl Hat

2010-08-14T14:00:00.004-04:00

In the winter of 2009 we had the flu bug. Instead of buckets we use bowls to catch the "you know what." Marlea and Kira had matching bowls, one bigger than the other. Over the time of Kira's death, Marlea became fiercely attached to her bowl. She named it "Bowl Hat". The days visiting in the hospital she always brought it along-often on her head. In the days, weeks, and months that followed, she and "bowl hat" were inseparable. It slept beside her at night, was carried around during the day, went to Grandma's house, and even went everywhere in the van. She would have even taken it into church if we would have allowed her to do so. Convincing her to go to kindergarten without it was a chore. I relented several days and allowed the hat to ride along in the backpack. It went with us to El Salvador, to Ohio at Christmas, and to Ohio again in May. I would try to make her leave it at home but it was wasted energy. She was determined, so eventually I accepted it as part of our family for however long it wanted to stay. I also soon learned that "bowl hat" was wanted for a reason and her stomach did seriously hurt. I have learned that stress does that to little ones. Often the bowl was used for its intended purpose and saved me from making a wild dash for something else handy to grab. About eight months ago we found reasons for the stomach issues for Marlea. Daily enzymes decreased the need for repeated use of the "bowl hat". However, it was still a very important object. I became really tired of looking at that thing all over our apartment so I started sticking it under the bed at opportune moments. Always it would come back out again and as a reward I would receive glares for my actions. A few months ago it started staying under the bed but it still went along on vacation. Last weekend we went on a trip; we left on Saturday and came home on Tuesday. We took a camper to distract us from the fact of our first family vacation that didn't include extended family. It proved to be a good distraction. On Monday I was thinking that something was missing. I couldn't pinpoint it. As I was cleaning up the camper it suddenly struck me. "Bowl hat" was missing. It was still under the bed at home! Tears filled my eyes as I grasp what is happening in my daughter's heart. To heal means freedom from nerves -which in turn heals the stomach - which eliminates the need for "bowl hat". I kept quiet and sure enough we returned home and "bowl hat" is still under the bed. It might need to come out again sometimes and I am okay with that. I might even like to see it sometimes. But mostly I choose to embrace the fact of a little heart that is healing, nerves that calm down, and a stomach that doesn't heave.

Our last family vacation we spent in Louisville, Kentucky visiting the Horse Park. The girls loved it and so did their parents. This shot of Kira reminds me of the white horses she is freely riding in heaven.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Raindrops

2010-07-30T14:43:00.004-04:00

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Something mysterious is happening to me. I feel myself coming out of the clouds and emerging into light. It has been a gradual process since passing the year mark of Kira's death. The past couple weeks the feeling has grown stronger, partly due to an experience one of my close friends is having. It's a friend I love dearly who as a child befriended me with cute loving notes that encouraged me despite the ten-year age difference between us. As the years went by our friendship became stronger and we spent some time together each month. After she graduated from high school she worked for me for several years. Last year when Kira lost consciousness here at home, she was working here and was the first one to come into the house. She gathered up Marlea and Anna and took them out of the apartment. Her presence that day was a great relief to me and yet I felt so badly that she had to see that amount of pain. On the other hand, she felt as if she were giving to me a gift that was unmeasurable. Now, she is having a difficult experience. I feel a fervor rising up inside of me to give...it's the kind of giving that it close to my heart. It's a gift that simply requires time and words of empathy, encouragement. Strangely it's the very one that I wanted to shield from my pain now listens to my words of encouragement. It takes no explaining that I know how it is to be desperate and out of control; she knows, she saw me. I was thinking all these things after visiting her. It was raining and I was sad. Partly sad too because my next stop was at Hershey hospital to visit another friend whose child had meningitis. The raindrops fell faster along with my tears as I turned my van toward Hershey on 322. I was nervous and angry at the same time. I didn't want to go back there. I was by myself; I had no cushion on which to lean and I was going to have to walk in there all alone. The sun briefly came out and I wished for a rainbow. "God maybe then I could see and know again that you love me" I thought to myself. I arrived at Hershey with my heart still pounding and my anger still simmering. Why does God let some children die and others live anyhow? I pondered as I dove into a parking spot far away from the main entrance. I decided to walk off my feelings. Alas, I reached the door and I was still in shambles. The lady at the registration told me the child was on the seventh floor. Yes, unfortunately I would have to walk down that forbidden hallway. I wanted to scream "God I can't do this. I have to have someone to walk with me. My memories of this hallway are"....my mind reverted back months ago. I see us,the heartbroken parents stumbling down that hallway for the last time. It was almost midnight when we left the hospital that night of the 24th of February. We were more tired than words could ever say. But our broken hearts dreaded the next days and what we knew lay ahead of us. We also knew our little girl would be wheeled out this hallway with the undertaker. We in turn would go out to our van to her empty car seat. The grief that hallway holds in our memories - and now God was asking me to walk down it alone and visit a child who was going to live? I stepped off the elevator and signed in at the desk. Tears blurred my eyes as I wrote down my name. Step by step I force myself to walk down the hall. This must be called facing one's fears, my mind tells me. I reach the patient's door way and yes, she is sitting up in bed smiling. My heart flip flops. In a way it's nice to know children can recover from meningitis, viral - I learn as we talk. By the time our visit was over, my happiness for them outweighed my anger and nervousness. I left the room feeling like I had done the right thing by visiting. I turned and walked down the hall again. Thoughts went through my head like "God please just don't let any of my children ever need to be here again." But it does look like not everyone dies that comes here. I felt as if I had accomplished something as I opened my car door. It was raining again but this time I was thinking "Somewhere in all this pain and grief there are answers. Maybe even beauty. Maybe I am and will become a more true example of God. Maybe God is using my own pain to enable me to understand other's pain more. Yes, I do care more. Admitting that simple fact finally made sense to me. I do care more, I do understand more. Suffering has deepened my understanding of the cross like never before. Grasping the possibility that I can be more like Jesus through all this? As I reached the highway rain was falling again. My mind said it could be no other way driving away from Hershey. I passed a sign that seems to me to read mockingly "Hershey-the sweetest place on earth." I grimace, humpf - maybe to some. Really I felt like stopping and tearing down the sign. Fortunately my mother taught me to not always do what I feel. As I drive on through the rain my mind reverts again to the power of Christ in me and living redemptively. Suddenly the clouds break and the sun shines through the rain. I look around anxiously for my rainbow and there is none to find. Just raindrops, sun, and clouds. Selfishly I ask God why He can't give me a rainbow when I think I need one. About five minutes later I think I see some color. No, I must be imagining things. But no, it really is! There in front of me emerged a most beautiful rainbow. I sat humbly swallowing all my selfish thoughts and in turn became amazed at God. Okay God, I get it. I am actually as small and ugly as a raindrop. It's through Your Light in my life that I can become beautiful. You can even use the back part of my raindrop; the ugly painful experiences I have had; the grief filled days; the heartbreaking, agonizing minutes to bend a second time and create more color. Maybe sometime I will even see another double rainbow in my life. That will have to wait because for now I only see a single one in front of me. The rain might continue to fall but God's light in my life will still make beautiful color. I savored the rainbow; soon I noticed people braking. The traffic came to a halt and for the next ten minutes God left the rainbow for me see. I had lots of time to soak in the love of God.

I enjoyed these explanations:

Rainbows appear when raindrops (similar to a prism) reflect sunlight, thus breaking white sunlight into colors.

How is light reflected to create rainbows?
As light enters a water droplet, the different wavelength colors bend at slightly separate angles. Some of this light reflects off the back of the droplet and is bent a second time as the droplet emerges from the light beam. Drops at different angles send distinctively different colors to the eye.

If light is hitting raindrops at a proper angle, a secondary, larger rainbow will appear outside of the main rainbow. This secondary rainbow is fainter in color than the main one because the light has been reflected twice by each raindrop. This double reflection also reverses the colors in the secondary rainbow.

To see a rainbow, an observer must have one's back to the sun and rain must be falling in some part of the sky. Since each raindrop is lit by the white light of the sun, a spectrum of colors is produced.

No two observers will ever witness exactly the same rainbow because each will view a different set of drops at a slightly different angle. Also, each color seen is from different raindrops.

When Kira was five months old she wiggled around on the floor like a fish. One day I was doing beans outside and left the door open a bit. Before I knew it she had wiggled out onto the porch and down over the threshold. I was a bit astounded. That was one of her first moves that proved to us that she loved the outside.

Going back to Hershey always brings difficult feelings for me. Pray that with time and patience God can also beautify this part of my pain.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Too Many Items

2010-07-17T16:10:00.004-04:00

Too many items, such as dresses, berets, bands, shoes, socks, tights, sweaters, sippie cups, flip-flops, toys, pj's, and dolls. I am trying to clean up the apartment. I have this problem that started a year an a half ago; I have all these items that no one wears and yet I don't want to put them away. The tempting thought of giving them away is soon shut down when I realize I am attached to these items. I can't give these items away nor can I pack them. But the fact remains that they are in the way. Not because I can't find room for them, but because no one that I can see uses them. Their owner is gone from this earth. She will never use them again... and so I look at them. I move them around while convincing myself not to put them away and that our house has enough room for them. Today I cleaned up the hair drawer. It was full of clips and bands that haven't been used since February 19. I was relieved to not find any dark hairs this time. No one uses those clips. Anna doesn't like them nor does she have much hair. Marlea has lots of hair. The bands are too big for Anna and too small for Marlea. So I look at them again and organize them back into their space. Oh well, maybe sometime Anna will use them. I shrug as I feel the tears in my heart. Last week I cleaned up the drawers in their room. One drawer was full of dearly loved clothes. Too big for Anna, yet too small for Marlea. No one needs them but I carefully retrieved the ones that will soon fit Anna and stuffed the rest back in. Anna picked out the pair of ugliest pj's and claimed them proudly as her "balloons" since they have balloons printed on the fabric. The shoe drawer was tough because Kira loved shoes. I left the boots and some flip-flops, and put the rest away. It will be a long time yet until size ten fits Anna even though she is just nine months away from being as old as Kira was. I skimmed over the sock-and-tights drawer; too many memories to face, and too many tights without an owner. Did she really wear all of these? I organized the sweaters and put several away. She also had a lot of them. Kira was a particular dresser at her age, and her sweaters carried some weight in her mind. But again, it will be a long time until little Anna can wear 4T. What was Kira doing wearing 4T at age 2 anyhow I wonder? I go in the laundry where I keep the girls dresses and just sigh. It's hopeless. I can't bear to touch them. Anna should have her dresses there instead of the little closet but - oh well, it will do for now. The pain of moving the ones in the laundry is too great, so I proceed to make the little closet more usable. Will these dresses ever fit Anna? Seems light-years away. 5T and 6T? It will be years if they ever will correctly fit Anna. Too little for Marlea, too big for Anna, yet they stay there. They remind me of the life that used to be...of the person I miss. I will let myself hang onto them - to the memories I treasure in my heart. Forget it, I am also leaving the toys out that aren't used. I will just move around them and smile, wishing someone would play with them and I would have to pick them up. Some of the dolls were banished to the basement, but the ones she played with the most still float uselessly around the house. Some days they are played with and some days they are not. No one is really dedicated to their care, but I like to pick them up and put them away. Forget the stuffed animals too and the extra pillow in the bed. They can just stay there!

Kira loved to be combed but she hated having her hair in pony tails - if that makes any sense. She had this disobedient circle of hair to the side of her hairline. On the other side was a swath of hair that was equally disobedient. It was too short for the pony tails, too short for braids, and too fine for clips. It was just long enough to hang in her eyes, and of course, in her food. So I would sometimes clip it back with two clips. She was great at losing them. We still found one this year in the yard. That disobedient swath of hair now resides in Merlin's suit coat pocket. Maybe it will always stay there. I am not in a hurry to get it out.

Time can bring healing - hard as that is for me to admit. Pray that we will learn it graciously - both the pain and the healing, and accept it as part of our lives.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Traveling with Stuff

2010-07-02T14:22:00.007-04:00

We packed up our stuff - literally "stuff" stuffed into a truck and tied onto the back. It's that time again..time for family vacations. It's the time when happy families go spend time with each other. Time to discover nieces' and nephews' latest antics; time to catch up on the last six months of family living out of state; time to welcome the latest additions to the family. As we drive with our "stuff" and two children my mind drifts. Where would Kira be sitting amidst this "stuff?" What would she be saying? I feel myself sinking as I realize that my brothers' and sisters' families will be complete this weekend and ours will not. I will again be faced with choices. I can choose to ignore any child close to Kira's age or choose to be okay with them and embrace the pain caused by the "hole" in our family. I feel thankful that it is not last year and that we are driving to a different cabin. After two hours of driving we arrive at our destination. Up a winding hilly lane to a beautiful clearing and a cabin that would better be termed a new age type of "cabin." Of course the first little people I spot are the bouncing four-year-olds waiting for their next adventure. There are two boys six months older than Kira and one girl six months younger then Kira in our extended family. My eyes linger over them wishing for a four-year-old of my own. All weekend I watched them and all weekend I wondered what Kira would be doing. I concluded sometimes she would have been with them and other times with the "older" girls and Marlea. Wanderings that will never be satisfied; thoughts that will remain unknown to me; longings that will never be filled. This life of incompleteness is an art to live. I must realize that this earth is imperfect, that wanderings will continue to be only wanderings, and that longings will only be filled to perfection in heaven.

Two years ago when we were at the mountains I got this great shot of Kira. Every mother tries to train their child not to do this and I was trying hard. You can see about how far I was getting.....

Thank you God for heaven where life will be perfect! May You continue to intensify my longing for heaven until I get there.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Around the Corner

2010-06-15T19:18:00.003-04:00

I never visited a funeral home before last Saturday. I really had no idea what everything looks like. Those of you that were at the viewing and funeral for Kira will remember the funeral directors, Jeff and Debbie Naugle. They are longtime friends of ours, dating back to eleven years ago. They also frequently stay here with us at Olde Homestead Suites. About four months before Kira died we visited them. Our purpose was to check out the "creepy house" they had on some property on which they were planning to build a new funeral home. The house was going to be demolished and Merlin wanted some lumber out of it. So we toured the "creepy house" with them. The girls loved it and both found some treasures to bring home. A few weeks later Merlin and Barry went and ripped out a bit of lumber which is being turned into flooring. Last Saturday they invited us to come tour the new funeral home. I fought with God on the way there. I wanted to go back to how life was before. I didn't want to know the pain of a funeral home, I didn't want to drive on those roads without Kira, I didn't want to even go past the restaurant where we had eaten supper that night. I struggled with the lonely feeling...the kind where I drive down the road looking at people's faces wondering if they know what pain is like or if it's just me. I felt angry at the fact that what should be three little girls riding our van was only two visible ones. So we drive into the lane. The remnants of the "creepy house" are now buried under the parking lot. Jeff and Debbie meet us as we enter. I am still feeling overwhelmed and angry. As we go down the hallway and around the corner I stopped short. There on the wall is a beautiful, large picture of the little girl I am missing so badly today. My anger melts to tears as I realize the care and love of the people walking beside me. I am not alone; others feel this pain too. They too want to remember her, to honor her, to make her live on in people's hearts. On the bottom of the picture are words to this extent: Kira Mary Yutzy; our children's room is dedicated in her honor. The next doorway past this picture is a playroom for children. My mind continues to race as I realize again the gift they gave us in caring for Kira after she died. I will remain grateful the rest of my life. God again showed me his everlasting love for me through them. Things like this don't just happen because others make them happen. Things like this come out of a pure love for God. To feel God's love through other people is a powerful effect of a Christian's life.

That first night when we went out for supper with Jeff and Debbie holds one of those memories I won't forget. I was busy with Anna and Merlin was busy with Marlea so Jeff was holding Kira. I don't remember that she had much to say to him or he to her but the picture remains imbedded in my mind. I often think of it when I think of them caring for Kira after she died. It causes me to realize that someday everything will be perfect again.

May the love of God grow more and more in our hearts.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Third Dress

2010-06-03T22:08:00.003-04:00

I have been sewing. These dresses I made took way too much time and were too much work. As usual - I got carried away and made too many mistakes; ripped open too many seams, and pulled the thread out of the needle too many times. I found myself quite frustrated at times. Many interruptions and lots of help that I didn't request (once I caught Anna headed toward her dress with scissors.) My dream of finishing with them in one day proved too lofty a goal for me and instead turned into weeks. Amid all these feelings I am stifling the urge to make a third one. I wish so badly there would be someone to wear it. She would look so cute in it....my mind wanders trying to imagine what she would look like by now - how tall she would be - how she would act. Would her hair still be brown or would they be more reddish by now? How much smaller would her dress be than Marlea's? Marlea always dances and prances around-would Kira dance and prance with her? My mind is cut off by the pain introduced by these thoughts. It feels the pain of reality - the pain of never knowing these things - the pain of it only being imaginations. I turn back to reality and my sewing problems don't seem so big any longer. It really didn't even take that long to make two dresses. I didn't mind picking out those seams; in fact it would have been nice to pick out seams on a third dress. I would have enjoyed entertaining a third little girl while I tried to "sew." I would have liked to solve the fights that would have been my "interruptions" in the other life. The joy of sewing the third dress will remain untouchable - only a dream. The joy that comes from a happy little girl in a new dress will never be mine to experience. But, I will treasure the two that I have to sew...my pain will not steal my joy.

By our door on the wall is the last dress I sewed for Kira. It was the first dress I sewed with my new serger. She was extremely happy with it and Marlea was very jealous. After all Kira was the only one that had a black dress like mommy. She only wore it two or three times...it will remain a treasure to me.

Please pray that we could stay healthy physically - we haven't been. Also intercede that emotionally we can be positive and joyful.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Puddles

2010-05-19T22:35:00.003-04:00

When waves crash puddles form between the rocks. What happens to the water? When the waves come again at high tide the next day do they take all the water back out again? Is it mirky and miry? Is it stagnant? Do mosquitoes live in it? Maybe tarantulas? What happens to my puddles? While I am in the puddle is the water getting yucky? My water feels a bit mirky still. I would like to keep it clean, pest-free, and fresh. I would like it to not become salty there. I want the sand underneath me to stay pliable. The tide actually keeps my water clean. These waves, this tide, this grief journey is cleansing my life, and keeping my sand soft. As I let the waves wash out my muddled puddle I can face life again. In the daily hum of life it's easy for me to just live. To try to forget the grief that is around me every day. But letting the grief come it constantly refocuses my life and I accept the hole left behind Kira. I repeatedly tell God "I am confused, I am hurt, I am full of grief, but I will still trust you." When I do not allow the waves to come I grow salty; grouchy and very temperamental. For now I am in the puddle. Maybe sometime I will jump up and stay on the rocks. I jump out every once in a while just to remember what it's like on the rock. Psalm 40:2 reads "He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay; And He set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings."

I recently remembered fter New Year's Day 2009 we spent the night at Merlin's brother's house in OH. Kira was still really proud of her suitcase she had received for Christmas. That morning when we were packing, she packed neatly and promptly. I can still see her wheeling her suitcase out to the doorway for her daddy to load in the truck. The pride was written all over her face. After all she was the first one to have her suitcase there from a family of five. I am human...I wish......

Please pray that we would stay focused on Jesus while the waves continue to cleanse us.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Waves

2010-05-12T22:02:00.004-04:00

I have heard someone say that grief comes in waves. My mind pictures the ocean. Last fall we were in El Salvador and spent two nights on the beach by the Pacific Ocean. There the waves crash onto rocky shore. In between the rocks are soft puddles of sand. At night the tide comes way up and the waves crash mighty crashes all night long that spray water into the air and up over the concrete walls, often giving water to plants on the other side. I have never been there in a storm but I think the power of the waves would frighten me. Likewise, in my life these waves of grief crash onto rocky shore. They make puddles between the rocks. Puddles that with God's help I am trying to keep impressionable. Sometimes the waves crash, the pain is great and the water splashes on those around me. People see my pain with their eyes because it's obvious that Kira is not here. They can hear my pain with their ears when I speak. I pray that the splashes of water they receive from me will help them grow. My heart is not stormy anymore. I can feel the storm ending. But the waves don't leave. Maybe as time goes on they will be more like low tide waves leaving only soft puddles in the sand. Right now I think they are pretty much still like high tide waves at least in portions of the day. Currents in my life trigger big waves...Yesterday one gripped me as I looked at Kira's clothes. Today one gripped me as Marlea told me how much she misses Kira especially when she looks at pictures of how it used to be. On Mother's Day it gripped me as I looked out the window at my nieces and nephews playing. Anna told me she saw Kira out there and I felt the wave go through me. Kira's friend sat with me in church and I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like with three little girls. The wave washed over me as I realized that I will never experience a six year old, four year old, and two year old at the same time. Not with the names Marlea, Kira, and Anna. The ocean seems to be okay with the tides. Someday will I be? My longing for heaven grows stronger...a place with no waves. Only peace.

All little girls like to dress up. There is no story about it. It just is natural. This picture is worth a lots of words. I will spare the words and just share the picture.

Thanks so much for still remembering us and caring for us. Continue to pray that we would be able to balance our lives in the waves, puddles, and sprays.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Choices

2010-05-05T22:38:00.003-04:00

This past year I have made lots of choices. One of the first ones I made was to care more about Kira's happiness than about her recovery. That was a hard one; I wanted her to live very badly but God called us strongly to that choice. Another one I made was to embrace grief and not run away. Choosing grief brought buckets of tears, valleys of disappointment, and heartache as I had never know to be possible for a body to endure. I can understand slightly how dying of a broken heart can be possible. A lot of the time I felt as if I were swimming with only my nose above water. Later on I made the choice to remove anger from the circle of emotions. That was a partial success; one I am still addressing. It pushed me closer to reconciling my trust in God. When Christmas came I made the choice to try to enjoy it... a choice that proved very difficult to do given the circumstances. On Kira's birthday I ate the bitter cake for days; I partially had to choose to enjoy it. As the year came around we chose to celebrate - especially children - by having a party, some activities, and lots of good conversations with people who freely embraced our grief with us. Many more of you have done so also that weren't here, and we feel that deeply as well. Again it was a choice to not run away from the pain of it being a year. The choice to be alright with healing seems to follow me these days. Just like I found pain around the corners, in the closet, running after me - I now feel healing along with it. And it feels confusing. I want it - I want to make that choice but I have discovered that along with the choice comes more pain. I still don't like pain. I struggle to be okay with what happened. I struggle to accept the last memories of Kira here in our home... Little things still set off my memory. Yet strongly and urgently healing calls me to accept it as part of what is shaping my life to be the person God must think I can be.

I have been digging in the dirt. It reminds me so much of Kira. She loved the dirt so much I even caught her eating it sometimes. Today we were mulching. I remembered Kira two years ago bringing her little bucket to fill with mulch to help her mommy. Anna was born at the end of April two years ago and it's always more fun to help mommy when she is helpless. Or maybe then they feel really needed? She was so sweet about it and such a diligent worker!

Please pray that we can discern following God's plan of healing in our lives.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

New Dimension

2010-04-28T21:52:00.003-04:00

I feel something new coming; my desire is growing stronger. When I am wounded, I feel pain. It's good to feel pain because it means my heart can feel. If I feel-I can heal. A certain saying reads "No pain, no gain". When Jesus healed the lame man he rose up and walked, praising Jesus. Is that what healing is? Will I actually be able to praise God for this pain-for this healing? After Kira died and the grief came I had no idea what to expect. I felt so out of my comfort zone because life was unpredictable and my feelings were on a hypothetical rollercoaster. God ministered to me every day. I had no idea what the next day would be like. I soon learned that God does and He sent me people every day that ministered to me and were tangible pieces of God. He gave me thoughts through the Bible that helped me understand Him. He provided the correct circumstances for me to learn to rely on Him. He gave me the courage to allow myself to grieve and feel the pain. My trust in God has been gradually strengthened and has slowly become a vital part of my life again. Likewise I have no idea how healing will happen. I feel totally out of my comfort zone just as much as I did with the grief. Jesus calls me to live out of the new life in Him. A part of me would like to be stagnant and needy forever. It's not a God-inspired feeling. It's the feeling of Satan wanting to keep me in one place and in that way paralyze me. It's a battle, one that I refuse again to believe his lies and choose to continue to embrace the cross and it's healing power in my life. As for how the healing will happen...I decided I to stay along for the ride!

Kira and Marlea went through a stage where they were very bandaid-happy. We would go through boxes of bandaids; bandaids healed everything. Kira always has a scrape or a banged-up toe. When she was finished with hers she would stick them anywhere she found cenvenient. I found them on chairs, I scraped them off the floors, on her toys, dolls, or whatever she thought needed one. Bandaids made them so happy that I decided the fun was worth the several dollars' expense. Eventually bandaid use got to be ridiculous so we just didn't buy any more. Then the someone indeed started to bleed, alas - there was none to be had.

We greatly appreciate your continuing prayers!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

God's Pleasure

2010-04-20T22:00:00.004-04:00

God continues to remain a mystery to me. I like mysteries, so it works well for me. When Kira was in the hospital and also over the time of her funeral, my brother and his wife basically moved into our "house" and took over Anna's care. It was a gift to us that we appreciated immensely. Anna was doted on, and lavished with love and attention those days. She strongly attached herself to them and as the days went by would even choose my sister in law, Martha rather than me. I didn't mind because I was stressed and busy and it was so nice to watch Anna enjoying them and they her. John and Martha love children but never had any of their own. When the time came for me to reclaim Anna it was heart-wrenching for me to watch them encourage her to rebond to me. They did it so well and were willing to step back and be aunt and uncle again. Anna had mother confusion for a little while. Probably over the next three months every time we would see them she would look somewhat confused and react a bit although it soon became less and less. I knew I could never repay them but I pleaded with God to give them one of their own. Tuesday their wish was granted. They are now a family of three after having given birth to a little girl. Martha and Kira almost shared a birthday-one day apart. My due date was on Martha's birthday but Kira decided to be a day ahead of time. Tuesday was Merlin's birthday. To us it feels like a gift from God to them; one that God planned to be on Merlin's birthday just to give us an extra encouragement to celebrate new life and good things that happen to people we love. It feels like a mystery-one for which I have no explanation besides the boundless joy in my heart. My joy comes from their embracing Anna so selflessly and then giving her back again. I had always wanted them to experience parenting but my fervor and desire for them intensified so much after watching them with Anna. My joy also comes from the shared birthday! One that will always be a reminder to us of the mystery of God!

Kira was crazy and had great tactics of pestering. One of her favorite things to do while I "tried" to sew was to stand behind me on the chair. Any one that sews knows that doesn't work too well. I am constantly reminded of it when I wear some of my dresses. The topstitching seams on some of them are just simply crooked. She would always manage to give me a good bump right in the middle of the waist or somewhere very noticeable. I got tired of taking them out so they are just crooked. I kinda like them like that now.

Please pray that we will know how to embrace healing and God's ways.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

A Day of Remembrance

2010-04-14T22:22:00.003-04:00

Last Saturday we attended a ceremony at Hershey for children that have passed away in the last year or more. Everything about me rebelled against the pain of going. To begin with - it was just extremely difficult to drive there. Marlea even put on the cd that we had in the van that week, which added to my misery. I could feel my muscles stiffening, my heart bleeding, and my eyes starting to tear. Then it was seeing people again that I haven't seen for six months to a year; important people who were part of my journey to God. Merlin and I took the workshops offered on grief while the children were entertained or played with - whatever happened. My fist one was on "self-Care strategies." It overwhelmed me; I was so tense just from coming there that to try to relax and enjoy the music and wisdom on journaling etc. just brought the tears. Strangely enough though, I look around and everyone else is struggling too. Oh, that's right I remember, they are in the same situation as me. I divided the feeling of common ground into three categories: a third felt good to be with people that understood without words, a third of me felt angry that we have to know how this feels, and a third of me felt totally overwhelmed by all the pain. My heart felt so ripped open again. My eyes refused to stop shedding tears. The one eye cried the whole time, the other eye only some of the time. That made me feel even more confused - that just my one eye wouldn't listen when I told it to stop. I felt so out of control. Maybe that is how God will tell me to heal by letting my one eye cry and not the other? The second session I took was "grief spiral" and the speaker talked about different age groups and how each one deals with grief. In the afternoon we had a ceremony and a slide show of children that have died. Kira was almost the last one because it was in alphabetical order. It was just tough to see her picture with others that have died. It was like admitting again that it happened to see her picture up there. I am getting used to it but it was so real that she is not here; she is in heaven and we can't enjoy her here anymore. That was the end and we came home again to a house with only pictures and memories of her. I am still unwinding.

Before Kira had enough hair to comb, every morning she would get so mad at Marlea because Marlea had hair. She would try to push Marlea off the hair-combing stool and would scream and holler. The day finally came when I could comb her hair without it hurting her and she was so happy. Now Anna does it to Marlea and I smile knowing Anna's day will come too.

Thanks for praying!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Take Me by the Hand

2010-04-06T22:12:00.004-04:00

The Bible says "A little child shall lead them." As adults, we tend to make life quite complicated. I love to remember that following Jesus is simple; and that all we need to have is the faith of a little child to comprehend what He has done for us. Marlea took me by the hand today again. Well, maybe I should say - took my heart by the hand. She is in kindergarten at school and has struggled immensely adjusting to the school idea. Ever since last August, she has had a health problem of some kind. First she had poison oak, then hives, and then poison again. In the midst of it she mysteriously started throwing up at unpredictable times. We struggled to figure it out. Finally late last fall after another round of systemic poison, we did numerous tests. As a result, she is on digestive enzymes for her stomach. We had a beautiful reward of a happy little girl again but still there seemed to be shadows. We could make her stomach behave, but we couldn't take away the grief she was experiencing. All along she refused to play at recess with her classmates. She would not be convinced, bribed, or forced. She didn't want to play. Once last summer she told me "I don't want to play with children that are happy". End of discussion. There was no other explanation. A few weeks ago she had a nagging cough and ended up with walking pneumonia. I became quite anxious. What next was going to plague her? It had been one thing after the other for eight months. It was hard enough for me to relax and not try to predict what she would get next. Still, she wouldn't play at recess. A few more weeks have gone by; the sun is out again and it has been a year since her playmate left her. The last few times she was at school seemed much easier for her. We gave her a challenge. Get up ten school mornings in a row without being dragged out of bed and you will get a pink alarm clock (it's always better with "pink" in front of it.) Now she is jumping out of bed. The last few times her dresses were a bit more dirty and I was suspicious she is playing games with the other children. Today was the ultimate. She was so excited. They played kickball and she was playing! She was right out with it. I looked at her in astonishment and said "You mean you were playing a game?" She freely admitted to it. I shed a tear and thanked God for the gift of healing. And so I feel led by the hand. If it's okay for Marlea to play games again...it feels like God is calling me too to be okay with healing. I've tried to stuff it because it makes it seem so long ago that I held Kira, touched her, cared for her. To heal means to move on. It means time has taken place and life is beginning to feel okay again. It means emerging from feeling needy and being able to give again. Healing means embracing the Cross and the joy that takes place in our lives when we surrender our will to God's.

Anna is hitting the two year old realm. Somehow our girls have all had a terrible habit of talking out loud in church. Anna is a pro at it her speech is very well refined for a two year old. On Sunday at church I was busy. It felt good again. I will never forget the embarrassment and humbling Kira put me through in church. We sit segregated and I could hear exactly what she was saying from wherever she sat with Merlin. If she couldn't say it she just settled it with a loud scream that made lots of heads turn. The feeling of "wow, who's child it that?" type of thing. I can't say I care to repeat those scenarios but I am thankful for the humility it brought to my life!

Pray that we would have the courage to embrace the healing God is bringing us.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Bargaining

2010-03-31T22:24:00.003-04:00

I am tempted to bargain with God. This temptation has been with me for a year now. I would like to say "Okay God, see me here. I am trying to be okay with this. I still love and honor you. I continue to call you my God. Don't I deserve extra blessings? You took away -my- Kira and I am learning to be okay with that. It would help a lot if you would give me more somethings. Don't I deserve them? I worked for them. Oh, and yes Kira is gone but You can't dare take anything else from me. I wouldn't be able to handle that. Do something God, make it more obvious that you love me if you actually do." And so my thoughts go on. A few things I am learning in relation to this temptation are as follows:
1. When the sun goes down every night, God is still God. When I close my eyes at night, God is still God. When the sun comes up, my eyes open, and I determinedly plant my feet on the floor-God is still God.
2. God might have a different idea concerning blessings than I do.
3. My interpretation of God is so unreal about how God actually is; I am blinded because I am human and God is not.
4. Eternal blessings far outweigh earthly blessings.
5. I can't suggest to God what he should do - He is sovereign and knows what is best for me because He can see the whole picture of my life and I can't. I can only surmise what I think the picture might be.
6. Being a begging dog reaching for a bone is not a nice way to live.
7. What I consider "our children" or "my husband" or "my things" are God's and so I don't have the authority to demand He not touch them.
8. I don't have an opinion in what I think I can or cannot handle - God's grace is always bigger than my need.
9. God's love for me doesn't depend on circumstances, actions, or whether or not I honor and love Him.
10. At the end of this life when I meet God and finally see His face, this is what I want to hear "Well done thou good and faithful child, enter thou into the joy of thy Lord.
11. I am blessed!

Kira liked to be in the kitchen with me. Sometimes out of desperation to keep her out of my stuff I gave her and Marlea bowls of flour, a cup, and a spoon. Great entertainment and great cleanup afterwards. Meanwhile I tried to find a spot for myself in my small kitchen and could hardly find any space left. I usually ended up in despair with a cake or five baked and little girls covered in flour. Of course they ended up happy and ready to go play something else again, leaving me with the flour to clean.

Merlin is fighting to stay healthy. Please continue to pray for his healing and pray that the rest of us would know how to encourage him.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Shirts

2010-03-24T21:54:00.003-04:00

When Marlea was born, she had a hard time going to sleep in her crib. I became desperate and thought maybe if she could smell me in her crib she would go to sleep. So I gave her my shirt. I would put it under my pillow during the day and at night I would give it to her. It worked a little at first, but what really happened was that Marlea became deeply attached to the shirt. When Kira was born, one of Marlea's main concerns was that Kira needed a shirt too. So I gave Kira another one of my shirts. Both shirts were from Jockey and had the same design and feel. Kira likewise grew deeply attached to her shirt. There was no sleeping until the shirts were in bed. Many a night we had to hunt around the house, empty bags, go through the toys until we found the precious shirts. They were lovingly stroked at night, cuddled close, even gently wrapped around dolls. When the soft padding of little footsteps were heard in the middle of the night beside our bed - we could count on it that the shirt would be along. If it wasn't, of course we had to retrieve it. The shirts went along on trips, Friday nights at Grandpa's house, and comforted the heart anytime. When Kira grew old enough for a pillow, each night she would carefully drape her shirt over the pillow. Without fail when she came out in the morning, she would be holding her shirt. If I would remember, I would hide them under the pillows during the day to avoid the evening search. That shirt is now in my bed. Like it comforted Kira - it comforts me. It's a piece that was hers that I can touch. Every night I carefully arrange it under my head. Sometimes I put it over my heart. Many a night I have used it to dry my tears and muffle my sobs. It goes with me on trips, often stuffed in my pillow. It looks out of place in my bed - like a stranger that shouldn't be there. To anyone else it would look like something I forgot to hang up. To me it is Kira's shirt and I wouldn't be surprised if it would stay there for years. Like Kira I even fear losing it. I cherish it and am obviously attached to it.

Every once in awhile in the morning I would hear loud screams erupting from the girls' bedroom. Upon investigation it was almost always the same problem. One blamed the other for stealing their shirt. They felt the same and in the dark you couldn't tell the one was blue and the other red. It created motivated fights complete with hysterical screams, thrashing arms and legs, and passionate words spewing out of the mouth. A thing as simple as a light usually solved the gigantic problem. You would have thought it was a life or death situation. Just like the girls needed something they could touch to feel secure when Mommy or Daddy wasn't holding them, so I cling to this red shirt - fervently awaiting when my eyes will see my heavenly Father.

Please pray that we would be open to God's leading and desire, and continually claim His grace in our lives.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Incompletion

2010-03-17T21:56:00.004-04:00

I can't get away from feeling incomplete. It isn't something that I can fix. We go on vacation - the feeling is still there. Who likes to go away without a member of the family? We go shopping and buy things but it doesn't take away the incomplete feeling. I would like to scream; but it still wouldn't go away. Our family is incomplete. I watch other families and wonder how it would be to again feel complete. But then I remember and the pain comes in waves. Sometimes I feel the feeling when I look at someone who is missing someone. I feel it for them - a feeling I couldn't feel before. I see the pain on their faces - pain I didn't comprehend before. Ironically they see it on my face too. The act of living fully without being complete is something I am learning slowly. It doesn't come naturally for anyone. It is so opposite from the yearning and longing we have inside of us for a perfect world. I stop frequently to prevent myself from believing things will make me feel complete. More children won't make me feel complete. Running away won't kill it. I know someone who can fill it and I go there again to the foot of the cross. It's Jesus who can make me complete in this incomplete world I live in. It's Jesus who can make horrible things beautiful and fill me with peace.

When I think of being complete, I often think of Sundays. That is a day that families often feel complete. We go to church and usually spend the day together. Kira was such a bright spot on Sunday mornings. Marlea frequently seems to arise on the wrong side of the bed. Kira would often be at the front door first-coat on, yelling "Come on, Mia". I had a habit of turning around in the car just to make sure all the faces were wiped, etc. I miss her face... it was usually beaming from ear to ear.

Please pray that we could live fully in our incompleteness.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Worn Sandals

2010-03-08T21:31:00.003-05:00

I am a bit sentimental; I don't like to throw away old clothes, shoes, or things from my childhood - I want to hang on to them. To throw away things means moving on, getting older and embracing changes. Last week I threw away a beloved pair of sandals; I was attached to them. For months they sat in my room waiting for me to decide their destiny. I couldn't wear them anymore - they made my feet hurt. I didn't have room for them anymore - we don't have a large apartment. I couldn't pretend that they still looked nice, since they didn't. I couldn't say that I needed to wear them longer; they had served their purpose well. So, I closed my eyes and threw them into the trash. I thought about them in the trash for a few days. When I took out the trash I saw them again and had to squash the impulse to dig them out. Throwing them away felt like being okay with changes and I don't like changes. It means embracing a new pair of sandals with which I have no memories. Memories - that is what ties me to my sandals. For starters, I bought them with my friend Lenora. That's a good memory because we don't often go shopping together. A few months later Merlin, Marlea, Kira and I went to Thailand for three weeks. It was a wonderful vacation and one that we treasure deeply. Then the countless times I slipped them on and chased after Kira. Kira tried walking in them like little girls do. They were a bit large which she discovered only after driving some of us nuts by clopping around. When Anna was born I wore them to the hospital and home again. I wore them to many a party, weddings, and many more events. Last fall I wore them in El Salvador - though they weren't very comfortable then any longer. I even wore them in the winter sometimes. To throw them out to me means moving on. It's the first thing that I actually threw away that had attachments to Kira. My next pair of sandals won't know the joy of running after Kira. They won't remind me of her; she will never clop around the house in them. I am still missing my sandals. I forced myself to part with them. I need room for new ones. Likewise in my life I will move on to some degree. Right now it seems like it will always be a struggle. Going backward seems more comfortable to me than moving forward. Just like it was painful for me to throw away the sandals - being okay with new memories that don't include Kira will remain painful for me also.

Their are some days in this house when I seem to be the least-liked member of the household. On one of these days a while back Marlea and Kira thought they would like to sell me on Ebay. How nice to get rid of the person who keeps order, arranges to pick up toys, take baths, eat vegetables, and wipe dirty mouths. The thought of selling me seemed appealing to their minds. Oh well, at least it wasn't freecycle or Craigslist.

Continue to pray with us that Merlin will be able to remain healthy, and that my persistent cough and aches would be healed. It's a hard time of the year for him especially and I feel myself being fearful. Pray too that our bodies will continue to strengthen. Grief has definitely taken a toll on us all.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Bottom

2010-03-01T21:50:00.003-05:00

The Bottom - it feels as if I am there. This past week has been difficult in some ways, but strangely in other ways it wasn't much worse than any other week. It took me a while to be okay with that feeling. Actually saying that to my friends who asked me how I am felt so humbling. It feels so revealing of the horror the pain - how unstoppable it is, and how much that pain is a part of my life. I don't have anything more left to grieve with, no more energy to exert, no more emotions to feel. The knife feels nearly as strong as it did a year ago except that now it comes and goes instead of being constant. Is there more left under the bottom for me? That I don't know. This I do know - it's here at the bottom in this valley where I can offer my altars of praise to God for simple pleasures of life. My altars consist of being needy and empty before God, thankful for His care for me, praising Him for His grace and goodness in my life, and the rest He has to offer me continually. This valley is increasing my faith, building up my trust in God, and continuing to set me on a rock - a firm place. The mountaintop seems very far away and I have no strength to think of climbing to it. Here at the bottom in this valley I will stay until I am healed as much as I can be here in this world. Or who knows - maybe the healing takes place on the mountaintop? I continue to marvel about the mystery of God; He has become even more mysterious to me here at the bottom. Psalm 40:2 "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."

One day in the spring of 2008 it was raining; the cats and dogs kind of rain. There were lots of puddles outside and Marlea and Kira got the idea that it would be nice to put on their swimming suits and go puddle splashing. Nice idea, but it was cold. Not just a little cold, the real kind where mothers who are sane would never let munchkins outside in swimsuits. It was one of those days that I had enough of everything. Anna was a few weeks old and I was still adjusting to three children. I let them do it, swimsuits and all. In a short period of time they discovered what I meant by "being too cold." Meanwhile I watched from the window, laughing as they shivered in the puddles.

Please pray that we will be open to God and joyfully accept His will for us. That sounds strange; we should be accepting this after a year. The struggle is still here. Also please pray that we will remain physically healthy.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Awkwardness

2010-02-22T21:14:00.005-05:00

Pain is awkward, and no way exists to get around it. It can tongue-tie a person, make words come out wrong, and create brain freeze. It's the feeling often pushed aside, pushed around, and tried to drown out somewhere. We don't like things that are awkward - they make us feel uncomfortable. We are afraid, out of our element. God didn't make humans to experience pain. It doesn't come naturally for us to experience neither does it come naturally for us to relate to pain. Pain is uncharted territory in the human and we prefer to leave it like that. Busting it is like jumping off a cliff. To stare at it headlong feels strange. Then yet each person processes pain differently; so what works for some might not work for others. Some of us are afraid of their tears; others are afraid of their actions, still others are afraid of their words. I have often avoided deep pain in my own life and avoided people who I knew were experiencing deep pain. Nothing ever takes the awkwardness of pain away completely. However, there are ways of being okay with pain and being okay with being awkward. I have experienced a lot of situations where people confronted pain and diminished it's awkwardness by talking, in actions, and through tears. To know that the body of Christ (church and friends) experiences pain with you can take away the awkwardness of it. There is so much power there that pain becomes tangible and soft. This life as a Christian, this body of Christ is one that will always fascinate me. The people that dare to be okay with awkwardness because they love us is a touch of Jesus to me. There is no explanation for it besides Jesus. It's Jesus himself who took pain and turned it into something beautiful - not awkward. It's Jesus that replaced death with life!
We experienced this Sunday. For those of you who didn't witness the occasion, we had a celebration for Kira here at our house. I felt awkward about it, kind of scared; I mean what really was I going to say to everyone? Merlin and I decided that it was useless to try to stuff the awkwardness of it, and so we were going to just be okay with it. I did not feel awkward one time. I felt loved, encouraged, and lifted up. It was a drop in from 2-5 p.m. Our house was filled to the brim. We had a children's hour with face-painting and balloon twisting. Generous individuals donated themselves and their talents to fill little hearts with cheer. We also released balloons outside in memory of Kira.

Our memories of last year this time are very real to us. Looking back I am so thankful that Merlin and I chose to stay present and close to God those days in the hospital. I have some good memories too and I am thankful for them - also thankful for the friends, family, and staff at Hershey. You all looked pain in the face with us then also and supported us so well. We remain forever grateful.

One of the last days Marlea and Kira played outside last winter they played in the mud. I was over here in the office and Kira wanted me. She went inside and saw I wasn't in there so went back out(leaving heavy mud tracks) and came around the front onto the inn patio (leaving more heavy mud tracks) and into the lobby. Bless her heart she was trying not to make more tracks. What are you supposed to do when you can't get your boots off and can't find your mommy? I thanked her for her consideration. She was so sweet about it.

Thanks so much to all of you for your extra prayers, etcetera for us at this one year mark.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Incidents

2010-02-16T22:04:00.004-05:00

Sometimes reality hits me hard and gets right in my face. It chills my heart, freezes my brain, and sends darts to my soul. Pain that is just so hard to realize and there are no words that fully describe it. One night I was giving Marlea and Anna a bath. We accidentally put three washcloths in the bathtub. Marlea stared at it and said: "I wish Kira would be here to use that washcloth. If she would be here then everything would be okay again. It's so hard this way." Feelings raced up inside me screaming in pain. I was tempted to feel tortured - ruined forever. A few days later on Valentine's Day, I was dressing Anna. I pulled out some tights with hearts on them. My memory said there is another pair in there and that might still fit Marlea. I should have known better...I dug a little and pulled them out. The tag said 4T-5T. I fingered them lovingly and shoved them back in the drawer. How I would have loved to put them on Kira. Again those torturous feelings screamed inside me causing me to feel inexplicable, unbearable pain. My soul takes me to the foot of the cross and I hang on knowing that Jesus felt my pain. The gratitude I feel in my heart for his sacrifice so that I can see Kira again is also beyond words.

Last Valentine's Kira, Marlea, and I had a lot of fun making sandwich cookies for our inn guests. Marlea helped for a while, then she was ready to move on to something else. Kira helped me to the end, including helping me put the cookies into little boxes. I was surprised - she was so grown up about it and really was helping. I still have the recipe stuck on my kitchen cabinet. It was the last thing she helped me to bake. If you ate one of those cookies, consider yourself fortunate (Kira and her Papa especially enjoyed eating any available ones) and know that a little girl delighted in helping make them.

We cross the year mark on Friday that Kira went to the hospital. Please pray that our feelings could continue to be redeemed. Thinking of those memories has gotten somewhat easier and yet they still are like I wrote: deep pain beyond description. We want to rest in God and His plan for us and our family.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Bitter Cake

2010-02-08T21:42:00.003-05:00

Saturday was Kira's birthday. In attempt to do something nice, I made a cake. The recipe called it a flour-less chocolate cake. I wanted to try it; somehow the thought of making a really different cake appealed to my aching heart. I also thought I could enlist some help from the girls. In my perception, these little girls were behaving strangely. They were lined up in a row with a third little girl joining them (in one year old snatches). They were just sitting in the family room; I couldn't get them interested in anything. Claiming to be playing airplane they sat solemnly, silently, and straight in their chairs. Marlea on the right, Anna in the middle, and their friend Maria on the left. Maria is our neighbor and Marlea's friend. She has spent countless hours playing and entertaining Kira. Kira loved and admired her greatly. Maria is nine - just about a grown up little girl. I walked into the living room and asked "Hey does anybody want to help me bake a cake?" I asked in my most cheerful voice. I felt fake inside but it was worth a try. After all - it looked to me as if all they were doing was sitting stoically looking at the wall. "No" the answers came very flatly, with absolutely no emotion. "Whatever are you thinking about?" I queried. Marlea replied "Kira." It was too intense for Anna - she ran away. Maria said matter-of-factly in a monotone voice "nothing." I soon discovered that no pushing, tempting, or persuasion would convince them to help me make a cake. I reasoned to make my own cake. I poured and stirred. It seemed really different - but I was liking it. No sugar except for a half cup of Rapadura, salt, eggs, and cocoa. Later, I made a sugarless chocolate sauce for with it. That night I proudly served the cake. I tried to be happy about it. Nobody sang "Happy Birthday" because we didn't think it fit. We all solemnly bit into our pieces. They looked nice with a beautiful chocolate sauce drizzled over the top, completed with Merlin's homemade yogurt. First bite - it tasted really different. Second bite - it's kinda good. By the third bite I had my prognosis: bitter. My cake on which I had labored all this time was bitter. Suddenly the last moments of Kira's life came pouring over me. The last year's memories came in torrents. The pain seemed to raise my fork automatically and a fourth bite was in my mouth. I chomped it victoriously. Yes, this cake is bitter but I can eat it. Yes, this last year was bitter - but I survived it. Yes - the pain of losing Kira was so bitter - but so is this cake; I swallowed a fifth bite. Until I was finished the cake was actually good. I wonder if this is this how my pain will be...will it be sweet in the end? I don't think the other individuals in my family appreciate my bitter cake. I still faithfully eat a piece every day; and it does seem to get better every day. Is it the cake or is it me? I don't think I will ever know. Will this bitter cake of pain ever be sweet? That I don't know either but I know a God who has a lot more foresight than I have. Until I am blessed with more foresight...I will eat more slices of bitter cake drizzled with bitter sauce. As for little girls that stare at walls together in silence - the level of sympathy that I felt being passed to Marlea was indescribable. It was a sacred experience!

After Kira's third birthday she soon discovered that Anna fit nicely in her birthday stroller. They went on walks through the house in a procession of the three of them; Marlea wishing to be pushing, Kira proudly pushing, and Anna happily riding. They did it with the old stroller too and I wish to have a picture with the new stroller.

Thanks so much for your prayers and support through this month.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Birthday with an Invisible Person

2010-02-01T21:42:00.004-05:00

Kira's birthday is on Saturday. She was born on a Monday and true to the rhyme, she was fair of face. I struggle this week to remain in the present. The past seems so much nicer. Yes, one year ago we were pleasantly celebrating with a happy little girl and her equally happy sisters. This year in my mind could just seem horrid and ugly. But, I don't believe that is the way God looks at it or would have me to look at it. But really, how does one celebrate the birthday of a person you can't see? I guess we will sing Happy Birthday, blow out the candles, maybe even buy a present to give to someone else? Birthdays are supposed to be the celebration of one's birth and Kira was born, but just isn't here anymore...so therefore we will still celebrate. I find it extremely painful to say "Yes, this child was born to me four years ago and God gave her a rich full life. She left us last year and went back to God. I am left with a longing heart, eyes darkened by my sinful nature, and a soul that longs for God like never before." So her birthday comes and we celebrate without her, or do we?

Memories flood me from last year. This is my favorite one. Merlin and I attended a funeral on her birthday. We had a babysitter so we didn't have to take the girls along; so after the funeral we took advantage of it and went to Toys'R'Us. We were a total mess. I had never agonized so badly over what to get a three year old child. Merlin acted similarly and we were laughing hysterically at each other. When we finally left we had two big boxes. We decided to pretend that the one was from Marlea and Anna. I remember going out to the car and saying to Merlin "By the time this child turns 21, she will be expecting a house on her birthday." Kira loved her gifts with all her heart. She played a lot with her stroller and highchair those next two weeks and was sweetly proud of them.

Please pray for endurance and courage this week. To actually be able to say "Blessed be Your Name" this week does not come easy for us. Pray also that we would continue to be physically healthy; these past two weeks have seen us all feeling measurably better than before.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

My Car

2010-01-26T21:49:00.003-05:00

I live in a manner comparative to driving a car. I have become aware of some passengers that I don't like that are riding along with me. Sometimes I find one or the other to be in control. Stubbornness and determination are two of my passengers. Stubbornness rides in the front. Occasionally I forget to strap in stubbornness and he bounces around the inside the car, nearly colliding with determination. At other times I strap him in and he stays staunchly in place with his face set, looking straight ahead, living out just what I expect of him. His definition is - bull-headed. And to think he is my passenger. Determination - riding in the back seat - feels softer. Most of the time I don't buckle him. He bounces around however he wishes. Sometimes he gives me an encouraging comment. Just simple things like "That was good". Other times I just feel his encouraging presence. The wrinkle between his eyebrows is not furrowed, his jaw is not set, and he is not bullheaded like his counterpart. He patiently awaits his turn in the front seat, knowing that someday I will strap him in up there when he is esteemed highly enough in my eyes. Being determined actually means a struggle against an enemy. Oh... is an enemy present in this picture? The definition for determination adds to my resolve to make him my front seat companion - being determined. I continue on my drive down life, squeal around a corner and stubbornness nearly lands on me; I must have forgotten to strap him. I collide with a car and determination comes flying forward, lands on top of stubbornness and I sigh in relief, glad that stubbornness got squashed. I could go on describing this drive. Several things you may note; firstly, it is no secret that I have been a mechanic's wife for nearly ten years, and some things are starting to wear off on me. Secondly, this is a battle. Thirdly, I am determined to make stubbornness take the backseat; maybe eventually determination will just nudge stubbornness out the door. My car might even drive over him. For now - this is a journey on which I would like to include determination and not stubbornness.

When Kira was about two months old, I noticed she was watching something. It was Marlea, and mostly Marlea's dollhouse. The watching intensified as she grew older. As soon as she could move, she would writhe in the direction of the dollhouse. Marlea was very particular about her dollhouse; since she is the oldest and the only child before Kira, she was used to playing as she wanted. By the time Kira was able to roll, she would roll toward the dollhouse. Soon after that, at five months old she started wiggling. And of course, to Marlea's sheer terror - started wiggling toward her dollhouse. Of course shrieks followed along with Kira's first discovery about how to irritate her sister. The wiggling continued and she was soon wiggling all over our apartment. She cleaned my floors - her clothes were dirty from the chin to the toe. After she would tire of wiggling she would pick up her toes and roll. Unfortunately a hard drive failure caused the loss of all the pictures of those several months. She was just lots of fun!

My mind wants to relive last year and wish this were then and not now. I sometimes feel myself trying to argue and bargain with God again. Pray for peace for us as the year mark and Kira's birthday come next month.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Anxiety

2010-01-18T21:46:00.004-05:00

The last few days I have been mulling over these verses "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Being anxious is not fun. I somehow have really missed this verse and practicing it in my life. In fact when I focus on this verse and it sinks in I despair. I feel like saying "Ahhhhh!" How in the world can I manage to really do this? Anxiety has gotten the best of me, starting with last summer. In short words I will attempt to describe the effects of being anxious on my body. I write these because I desire freedom and peace in my life. For one, my stomach is constantly in a knot, and my feet and toes are tense and often curled. The shoulders that are normally even are now in raised, making me feel as if I'm wearing them on my ears. My leg muscles are taut waiting for the next catastrophe to strike. My lungs take shallow gulps of air instead of long deep breaths. Sometimes I feel like asking them "How about working properly?" I also have this strange feeling that comes into my nostrils once in a while, making my whole face tense up. You know - that furrow that appears with age? Well, mine is like a cultivated field. And lastly - my heart races with adrenaline rushes. Even my head can be tricked into thinking everyday life is a race to win against myself. This in short is all a result of anxiety. Some of it is beyond my control simply because my adrenal gland is exhausted. The other majority of the problem is because my trust is God is shaken and I am learning to trust Him all over again in another way. The simplicity of God and His plan for humanity strikes me all over again. So simple - just tell Him about it, believe and thank Him, and then His peace will fill you. No room is left for me to hide in myself. No exemption clause is given for losing a child, having a sick husband, a grieving child, adrenal fatigue, or anything else. Just "be anxious for nothing." He even tells us how to fill our minds when we are finished with this whole process "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy — meditate on these things." I really don't understand God or get the whole picture of this earthly life. When I get to heaven I wish to laugh at my anxious self. Probably in big, side-splitting laughs. Maybe I will even roll around on the ground. Until then, I want the peace of God; I want His guard on my mind and then maybe I can work on uncurling these toes.

Kira's daddy is a mechanic by nature. He has a strong passion for big engines that roar and race down the highway at significant speeds. He of course delights in trying to teach his girls about motors and cars. Kira must have understood it to some degree because when she drove her playhouse car around the family room this is what is sounded like. It would start up and then go "vroommm, errrrrrrn, errrrrrrrrn, errrrrrrrrrrrrrn." With each shift, there would be a higher pitch and more errn's on the end. Wonder what she would have done with a fast car?

The year mark is coming whether we like it or not. Please pray that we would be able to embrace it and rejoice with Kira that she now has a life of complete safety and security. The pain is great and unbearable, but God is good.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Learning

2010-01-11T22:12:00.004-05:00

A new year brings new goals, new ambitions, and new priorities. New things I wish to accomplish, new things I wish to learn, new habits I wish to acquire. I reminisce on the past year and I meet a stubborn spirit. The stubborn spirit is my own. I wanted different goals, ambitions, and priorities than what God had for me. I wanted to learn different things, and acquire different habits. I am still entrenched in myself. I find myself lacking desire to be who Jesus wants me to be. I want to erase and start 2009 over and do just a few things differently that could possibly have changed the loss of Kira. I battle and bargain with God...if only you wouldn't have done all these horrid things to me, to Merlin, to the girls. I cry out - why all this pain? My heart cries and screams inside me for relief from the grief. My head says "Okay God, last January I trusted you for the year and look what happened! How can I do that again?" My very muscles ache from the anxiety with which I am dealing. Some days the simple act of relaxing my toes is a job. My arms are left with teasing imaginations of someone they will never hold again here on this earth. My eyes are left with only mental pictures as simple as my child at the breakfast table...it has become a mirage...it floats in front of me every morning and disappears on the horizon - untouchable again. I scream again "God I can't do this, I don't want to learn anything more. I don't want to trust you for 2010. I don't, I don't, I don't-I don't know what! Something doesn't feel right-the longing for heaven intensifies in my screams. The core of my soul reminds me that I am not created for all this pain and grief, hence my tense toes. I was created for a perfect world where there is no pain, no grief, and no empty aching arms. Sin entered the world by choice. In turn, I also have a choice to make; the choice to learn what God wants me to learn. The choice to be open to what He thinks I can handle. Most of all, the choice to accept His free gift of grace beyond measure. I have discovered it erases my bitterness and invites me again to find rest at the foot of Jesus' cross.

Last year Merlin and I took the girls to the Farm Show. We had so much fun and of course the girls loved it. As we were going around to the different stands we came past a vendor that sold cowgirl hats, nice ones with strings and pink edging. I had always wanted a cowgirl hat and I thought they were very cute. Merlin didn't think they were cute enough to be worth the expense. The girls' longing words and the look on my face changed his mind and we bought two hats. Marlea and Kira played and played with those hats that last month and a half. Precious memories and precious hats! Ironically, we don't think of the money we spent on the hats (:

I know this sounds funny but please pray that we will be able to breathe. I almost have to remind myself sometimes. Marlea also is nervous and sometimes I think her body just hurts too. Pray that spirit, soul, and body could heal and function well together.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

In Retrospect on Christmas

2010-01-04T23:07:00.004-05:00

My mind reflects back on the past two weeks; we had our little family Christmas two weeks ago. It was intensely painful for all of us. We tried to pretend that gifts could erase the pain...but they couldn't. It was still there and someone was still missing. We were in Ohio with Merlin's family Wednesday until Sunday. On Thursday night Marlea started with the flu bug. I was up most of the night taking care of her and Anna (who couldn't sleep). Christmas day I spent taking care of Marlea who was still suffering from the effects the flu brings. I have to admit - I was angry. Angry at God. Doesn't He realize that I have had enough? Doesn't He get it that I would like to enjoy Christmas to some extent? I had numerous apprehensions about Christmas and what it will be like. They were all dashed and I was alone with Marlea holding the bucket. I tried to sleep but alas, every time I shut my eyes my brain rewarded me with flashbacks and more haunted memories. Fear threatened to overwhelm me again as I tried to make myself believe that this is only the flu and she will be okay. Those thoughts were not helped by Marlea - she was sure she had never felt so bad and thought I should take her to the hospital. She too was having flashbacks and haunted memories in her own way. She was better in the evening and I spent some time with Merlin's extended family.

My mind wanders more - what was the purpose in these events? Why did it have to be on Christmas day Marlea was sick? Does my Father in heaven really know me so well that he thought I wouldn't be able to handle celebrating Christmas, so He made it impossible for me to even remotely feel like I am? I realized on hind sight that it was oddly nice. I spent the day feeling like a zombie walking around on a strange planet. If it was really Christmas...I was fooled. It was the strangest one I have ever experienced. In the end it was an easy way out of trying to act joyful on Christmas day. Instead I felt disconnected from any sort of celebration and even gift giving. So in retrospect maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time. I am reminded again that God is mysterious and I will never understand Him well at all until heaven. I am also reminded that my trust in God can be very shallow; life is not predictable; and the flu is mostly not particular about whom it chooses to infect.

Last year for New Year's Day, Merlin's family was together at a cabin. It was a wonderful cabin with lots of space for little people to get rid of energy. The little girls were greatly entertained by running across the pine floors and sliding. Kira thought it was really fun, especially because she had put lots of miles on her footed pajamas and the feet were fairly smooth. She was so good that weekend. She was in the process of coming out of the twos and becoming more of a little girl.

Thanks for all the cards etcetera we received over Christmas, and most of all the many prayers for us. We appreciate it so much! Soon it will be a year ago that we had Kira for our own.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Father's Hands

2009-12-21T22:16:00.005-05:00

My Father's hands are nail-scarred from hanging on the cross. His cross was in the middle between thieves. The thieves...one repented and one didn't. They had choices...to accept or deny. Will I accept or deny my thief? How do I accept grief and allow myself to experience redemption. This process is uncharted because it is different for everyone. Jesus accepted the thief at heaven's gate and he entered into never-ending joy. Can my grief experience never-ending joy when it is redeemed? Tonight Kira is holding onto those nail scarred hands - redeemed. Here I am floundering around in unredeemed grief...unable to give it all to my Father even though I know in my heart that is where I find redemption. Redemption because of nail scarred hands. I give it...I take it back...I give it...I take it back. The best part of all is that I know my Father. My Father is patient, understanding of grief and it's process, and as much as I hate it - He is holding my little girl on Christmas. Tonight I picture Kira with her head on those nail-scarred hands. The same head that last year was on her earthly father's hands.

I was looking at this picture again today and thought the rest of you might enjoy it too. I don't know what inspired her to do this more then her genuine love for her daddy.

We all miss Kira so much these days. Marlea wanted to buy her a present and bury it on top of her casket, so it could be closer to Kira. That broke my heart. It's extremely difficult for me to have serious conversations with Marlea about Kira right now because of the pain associated with Christmas. Please pray that I would be able to remain open about my feelings with her. It would be so much easier right now to shut down but that has damaging results for all of us.

Merry Christmas! Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Christmas Thief

2009-12-15T22:10:00.003-05:00

I am always aware of a thief I have. It's with me all the time these days. It constantly reminds me that Christmas for us this year brings pain. It steals my joy of buying gifts - I wish to buy gifts for one more person. It steals my joy of making cookies - I wish I had one more person helping me. It steals my joy of planning a surprise for Daddy - I wish I had one more person planning it with me. I even feel it stealing my longing to go to Ken's Joys (a store with hundreds of things that make little people happy.) I love to go there and buy simple things that bring big smiles and hours of entertainment. It comes beside me and mars the joy that comes from children planning surprises for each other. It takes over and wipes me out. I give up and give in to it again. My thief is grief. I am learning that this thief and the joy of Christmas are on opposite ends of the spectrum of my feeling. To experience them both at the same time feels very confusing. But really, Christmas isn't about giving presents and family time - although they are good things. Christmas is about Jesus - His ultimate gift of His very own Son to be my Saviour. The Saviour who died for me - the Saviour who can take control of my Christmas thief if I let Him.

Last year after I was at Ken's Joys, Merlin took the girls into another room separately and let them help wrap the presents they were giving to their sisters. It was quite the ordeal and I observed with amusement the one that wasn't wrapping and trying to see and hear underneath the door. I can still see Kira there - her ear as close to the opening between the door and the rug as possible, just hoping to get an idea of what Marlea and Daddy were wrapping inside.

My writing portrays my pain. All of us feel it. Marlea was talking about it tonight also, so I know she is thinking about it too. The struggle to stay present and be real is so difficult these days. Pray that we would exercise the grace and courage to embrace the reality we're experiencing.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Haunted Memories

2009-12-09T21:58:00.004-05:00

Memories are unavoidable. They are a part of my life - a part of who I am - a part of who I am becoming. Memories are etched in my mind, even in my body, and also in my heart. They won't leave; no matter if they are good or bad. Some of my memories seem to haunt me. I would like to erase them, to pretend they never happened, push them out to drown in the sea. They seem to chase me sometimes, reminding me that I will never be the same; and that is true. Circumstances that mimic the last hours of Kira's life in our home seem to make me freeze. This past weekend, Anna had her first experience with the flu. Merlin was gone for the weekend, so I was alone with my fears and memories. As I lay beside Anna in bed, the darkness and memories overwhelmed me. Hours before Kira took her last breath, I had laid beside her in bed also. I thought she would be there beside me the next day too, but she wasn't. I was at her bedside at Hershey Medical Center. I looked over at sweet little Anna and wondered - will she be here tomorrow? My mind raced, flooded with memories I wish weren't there. They are not nice ones; ones a mother isn't supposed to have. The darkness threatened to crush me...I cried out to God in despair. I felt my hands clinging to the foot of the cross as Jesus reminded me that yes, these burdens, these haunted memories - I died for them also. They are not too big for Me - My grace is sufficient for you. I went to sleep, my arms still around the cross. The memories aren't gone - they will never leave me. But, God again used the situation to help me face the pain entrenched alongside the memories. A few days ago I heard Marlea singing "My Jesus has broad shoulders, his breath is stronger than mine." The song is actually worded "His back is stronger than mine." I doubled over laughing at that thought because her breath is strong sometimes, and the thought of Jesus' breath being stronger than hers was too much! Later I thought of it again and it also suddenly made sense; yes, Jesus' breath is stronger than mine. He could run many miles and still wouldn't be out of breath.

Kira was a Hershey kiss lover. In our back stairway we keep the cleaning cart for the inn. Kira would sneak up there and eat hershey kisses from the cart. The only mistake she made was in leaving a trail of wrappers around the cart and down the steps. And of course, a chocolate ring around her mouth. A wrapper is still there...no one wants to move it. How I wish I could find her up there again. Sometimes I eat one, just trying to be like her.

The days seem long right now and I find myself not caring whether or not Christmas comes this year. It seems horrid to celebrate. I also dread the thought of memories being a year old soon; it seems if Christmas comes, soon the anniversary of Kira's death will also be here quickly.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Outlets of Pain

2009-11-30T21:54:00.004-05:00

Kira had two little friends at church. Janessa is three months older and Abbi is three weeks older. At Kira's graveside, Abbi came and sat on my lap. We sat silently on that cold February day. There were no words necessary. Together we threw Hershey kisses and daisies into the open grave. My tears ran as I held her, my heart crying out for my own three year old. The next day at church she was waiting with hugs for me. For months after that she was waiting every Sunday with a hug and would often sit on my lap for a while after church. Some Sundays she would have hugs for Merlin too. Nobody told her to do it, she just knew instinctively. She knew because she needed me too. She was also missing Kira, and I reminded her of Kira. My heart would often break inside - I wanted to hold her, take her home, and make her my own. But I couldn't, since she wasn't mine to keep. In July, she and her family left to be missionaries in Liberia. Her only request for me was that I sing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" at their farewell. I granted her request by sheer determination. I knew I was going to miss her dreadfully and it felt like another parting. As the weeks wore on after she left I realized that she was an outlet for my pain. Her hugs, her sweetness, just the feel of holding her was so much like Kira. Abbi is also Kira's second cousin so in some ways she did feel like her. She forced me to stay honest with my feelings. To stay alive, in touch, and to not deny them. But she did something more; she became my friend. I finally decided to try making another friend. I knew Janessa had a really difficult time after Kira died so I decided to try to become her friend. It didn't take long; now she sits with me for a little while almost every Sunday in church. She loves one toy I have in my purse. It is silly putty - Kira's very own special one. When we went to El Salvador, I let her keep it for me until I got back. I haven't figured out yet if she likes the silly putty, likes the excuse to come sit with me, or likes the silly putty because it gives her a connection to memories of Kira. Either way doesn't matter; what matters to me is that I have a friend that is Kira's age. When she is finished sitting on my lap, my heart cries out in pain. For a few minutes my pain was somewhat quieted with her presence. She reminds me of Kira, and helps me to be honest with myself and the feelings in my heart. In some ways, she is a bridge to my feelings. The energy I use in our relationship is an outlet of the pain inside of me. I thank God for Janessa and for Abbi even though Abbi is far away. I hope to be friends with them for the rest of my life.

In the last several months of Kira's life, each night she would pray a simple prayer. "God bless my teacher(Sunday School), God bless Janessa, and Trevor." Then her voice would trail off sleepily. I can still hear her say those words in my head. I often think of it as I lie in the girls' bed saying prayers. How I wish I could still hear it! I can't help but wonder who else she would have added to her list by now.

Thanksgiving was okay. Thanks so much to all of you who prayed for us especially on Thursday. I felt that lifted up feeling that comes from lots of intercession. Today I was moving pictures around and putting out our manger scene. I wished this to be last year. Instead it was this year and Kira is only in my memory. Marlea and Anna had lots of fun helping me and I tried to be brave and happy for their sakes. I feel time getting close to a year since she left us and I want to freeze. Pray that I would be able to sort out my feelings correctly and remain reliant on God. Some days I am very fatigued and it's hard for me to deal with life when I am tired.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Grief

2009-11-23T22:10:00.003-05:00

Grief - it's not something we like to deal with naturally. Grief - it's not something that can really be described or shared adequately. It's more just present and stubbornly stays. I have learned to appreciate grief. Grief has become part of my life; almost as much as eating. It causes awkward moments, frustration for loss of words, and inappropriate tears. I can sit somewhere and have lots of tears, not at all because of what I am seeing or hearing. If someone doesn't know me and is sitting beside me, at that moment my expressions can seem really strange to you. I have concluded that entering another person's grief doesn't take words. A few weeks ago in El Salvador I met a friend I hadn't seen for ten years. My friend speaks Spanish and my Spanish vocabulary is limited, so communicating is not clear. Being understood requires a lot of gestures, signs, and wonders. She was telling me about her family just when her little three-year-old girl ran by. Her daughter is full of life, looks "sparky," and has lots of energy. As she dashed by I burst into tears. I had no words, just - sobs and tears. My dear friend took me into her arms and held me. There were no words exchanged, only feelings and tears. She couldn't say what she wanted to say because I couldn't understand. I couldn't say what I wanted to say because she couldn't understand me. So we stood in verbal silence, communicating through both of our tears. What mattered to me was that she cared enough to enter my world. She knew instinctively why I burst into sobs when I saw her energetic three year old go dashing by. She shared my grief without words but was present and caring. Suddenly it all made some sense to me; grief is not something you can really explain correctly to another human being. It's a feeling deep in the heart and soul of a human that connects by bold love that comes straight from God. My friend simply put to practice what the Bible says in Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those that do rejoice and weep with those that weep".

Thanksgiving comes soon; my mind goes back a year. We were at home all day; our neighbor Barry came over for lunch. His wife Rhonda had to work so it was just he and our family. The girls were delighted to have him here. Barry is a very calm person and always had a very calming effect on Kira. In fact she almost always behaved perfectly when he was around. They often played with Rhonda and Barry when they were out with their dogs next door and we had become good friends because of their puppy love. After lunch Merlin, Kira, Marlea and Barry played "Memory" for a long time. I can still see them on the floor playing diligently. This was big stuff to Marlea and Kira...Barry playing "Memory." Thanks Barry and Rhonda for the love you gave and give the girls...we still cherish those many good memories.

As I reflected more on the grief issue it continued to become more clear. I gained new understanding in that it's okay not to have words for grief; the feeling in your heart is what matters. I am overwhelmed when I realize through my eyes how much you all have given me. I am reminded again that giving to others is what life is all about; to be a reflection of Jesus. I want to be more like that!

Merlin has been doing quite well the last several weeks. It helps all of us a lot to feel more stable. Please keep praying that he and I will continue to heal physically and of course all of us emotionally. It's tough with the holiday season coming. I would like to run somewhere and hide. Instead I am trying to be brave and get out the manger scenes with Marlea; it has always been a traditional party in this house. Today we unboxed one nativity set and it was missing a wise man. Since Kira isn't here to defend herself, we blamed it on her (probable culprit.)

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Baggage

2009-11-16T21:56:00.003-05:00

We were on vacation in El Salvador for the past two weeks; as we were preparing to go I searched to find the suitcases. I looked at them and just stared. There was just no way I could pack; no way I could pack up with my feelings. They were not going to fit. I searched vainly for a compartment big enough to contain them. I thought of several different pieces of luggage, and oddly enough they seemed too small. As I started putting things in the largest suitcase, I had no room for my baggage. What was I going to do with it? It seemed so heavy and enormous. Merlin packed the rest of the suitcases and no room was left. The next morning we put our luggage in my brother's vehicle and drove for the airport. As we drove along I felt confused. My baggage was coming along and yet is wasn't packed. Later as we walked down the terminal to the board the plane I felt it following me. I didn't have that free feeling one expects to have when going on vacation. The thoughts and feelings were following close behind me. I found myself wondering how what I was thinking was going to fit onto the plane. The plane taxied down the runway and yes, it was still with me. But the plane wasn't big enough. I sighed in relief, glad I hadn't tried to pack the mental baggage-realizing I would never have been able to stuff everything into a suitcase or any piece of something. Even if I had tried - the airplane could never have contained it all. I sighed again feeling overwhelmed with the thought that my baggage is too big to fit into an airplane. Ironically it followed me even though it didn't fit. My mind turned in consolation to Jesus and His promise to me in Matthew 11:28-30: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Yes, my baggage followed me but God's promise is stronger in my heart than my baggage.

Kira loved suitcases. To her they meant upcoming adventures. When she was smaller she used to love climbing into and out of luggage. She didn't care whether or not things were in the bags. As she grew she realized she could pack her clothes in to go away. Marlea had her own red suitcase and usually shared with Kira. Kira would carefully put in lots of things. I always went through their suitcase and put numerous things back in her drawer where they belonged. She was always so pleased with herself for packing. Last Christmas Kira got her own suitcase. It was brown with polka dots. This was very important - to her it meant she was getting older, like Marlea. A few days later we went to Ohio over New Year's Day. She proudly stuffed many items into it as we packed. She was so happy to have her own she shone from ear to ear. Marlea's suitcase is red, Kira's was polka dot with a ribbon on and she knew Marlea was secretly jealous of it. Her suitcase has gone with us on every trip we have taken since February. Instead of Kira wheeling it, Marlea does. It's a touch of Kira we take along. Marlea used it for her carry-on on our trip. Tears came to my eyes as I watched her with it. Many questions, wishes, and pain went through my heart.

We were able to relax and enjoy our vacation. It felt good to come back to Kira's pictures and memories. I hadn't been in El Salvador since we are married and it was Merlin's first time there. We enjoyed a new place, new memories, and new people. We can't speak Spanish so that meant limited conversation, which was good for both of us. Most of all, we enjoyed spending time with my parents who are there as missionaries for four months.

I thought maybe if I don't write for three weeks you will just forget about us... I am blessed to know (and see on the site meter) that you haven't. I thank God for each one of you that prays and cares for us! I am dealing with adrenal fatigue, and ask for your prayers especially that I can regain strength and live accordingly.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Places

2009-10-19T21:53:00.006-04:00

Places...different places bring different pain. Memories that are entrenched in our minds; unforgettable scenes; unforgettable sounds; unforgettable things our ears heard; memories that go with us for a lifetime; memories that different places bring back the pain and force it upon us. Here...this is, this was, this did happen to us. We are not only dreaming that Kira's death was horrible. Places bring back memories and become real to me again.
On Saturday we were at Calvary Monument, the church where we had Kira's viewing and funeral. As I sat in the pew, I looked tentatively down to where Kira's casket had been. Yes, I could see it in my mind. Just being at the same place brought back memories as if they happened yesterday. The pain threatened to overwhelm me as I sat there and sang "Nearer still nearer, Lord to be Thine". Tears gathered around the corners of my eyes and trickled down my cheeks. Why do these horrible memories need to be part of my life? Why when I sing "Nearer still nearer" do I think of that and Kira. I don't want it to be like this. I want to draw nearer to God some other way. Any way but through losing Kira. But no, I can see the scenes. They are part of my life and I will not lose them. My mind drifts to the many people that embraced our pain with us. The many who came to comfort us at the viewing. I can still see the faces...hear the words... and feel the hugs. I still remember the feeling in my heart as I realized over and over again the love other people had for our daughter and us. And so I sat and embraced the memories... memories a place brings me, memories that are embedded in my mind, memories that are part of my journey to healing and God.

Kira loved doors. Ever since I can remember her getting around she liked to open and close doors and gates. We have a gate outside our house on an arbor. That was one of her favorite places to play - open, close, open, close. She also liked to open the front door. To her it was her ticket to freedom. One day she was playing with a key. She tried it on doors but that wasn't enough. In the process she tried it on the front door, got it open and sneaked outside. It was nice outside and she decided to cross the road and try the key on the door over there. That is where I found her, opening and closing the door of the barn across the street - fitting the key in and out. Needless to say, I was a frantic mother and had confirmed in my mind that some children necessitate extra-protective angels. A few more hair-raising experiences occurred, mostly ones that come with little people who are taller then their minds can handle. As a result, Merlin needed to go to Home Depot and purchase chain slide locks, which Kira couldn't open. They were not to keep people out, but to keep roamers where they were supposed to be.

Thanks for your prayers. Grief and stress have taken their toll on our physical health. Please pray that we would continue to heal emotionally and physically.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Last Purchase

2009-10-13T13:56:00.003-04:00

Gravestones-I dislike them. I don't want to purchase one, I don't want to look at them, I don't even want to talk about what to put on it. I would like to avoid the subject. Can't the grave have just a little marker? Actually if the marker would be removed, that would be fine - I will just pretend that Kira's death never happened. Grass can grow and cover the plot and no one will ever know in a hundred years the sad story of our little sweetsy-tweetsy. I just don't want to admit that we need to buy one for Kira. I can't bear reading her tombstone. How can her life be portrayed accurately on a tombstone? How can I go to the graveyard and read "Kira Mary Yutzy" on one of those cold, barren pieces of stone? How can it be that this child who made me lose my brown hair be the same child for which we buy a gravestone? Just eight months ago I could never sit here and type on a computer. I would have had too much help. Just eight months ago that body that is now under the sod in the graveyard was here bouncing around on the office counter. Just eight months ago I was a normal person. Now it feels like making the last purchase for our little girl will change me even more. To admit she needs a gravestone is to admit she died and isn't here on this earth anymore. Only her legacy, her stories, and her pictures. To make the last purchase is tempting me... I can hear the stone being put on the ground with a thud. It tempts me to put a stone on my feelings with a thud. But I can't, and I won't. I can't deny what has happened - reality. I can't deny God and his faithfulness to me, to us. I will try to be brave and help Merlin make good choices regarding the last purchase.

Often when I tried to answer the phone here in the office, Kira would come along and climb up onto the counter. At the most inopportune times she would scream or loudly talk. Her favorite thing to do was to plant herself right in front of the computer screen. Therefore, I had to look at her and laugh instead of typing the reservation information. It was a great way to get my attention and way too funny for me. How much more obvious as a child do you have to make your wishes known that you would prefer the attention be on yourself? I would be irritated sometimes but much more often I would laugh and lunge for her - which is exactly what she wanted.

Please continue to pray for us. In some ways the situation seems more awkward to relate to than it did seven months ago. It's hard to explain how the pain keeps on affecting us. Pray that we would be able to parent our children effectively still in the midst of our pain and theirs. Thanks so much!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Searching to See

2009-10-05T22:22:00.003-04:00

I am still searching for the missing piece, and I can't find it. I know who the piece is, but she is not here as far as I can see. Why can't I see? I feel blind, not able to look, as if it is beyond me and my human body. And it is - but I want to smash something to be rid of this blindness. The thought makes me angry. Maybe I should go on a search around the globe looking for my missing piece. Why do I have to miss her - a child I loved more than myself. This longing inside of me is intense - I feel frustrated. Last night as I lay in bed I was talking to Jesus. Suddenly I felt Kira beside me, her head on my arm. I cried out - God I can't handle this, take the feeling away. I could feel her - why couldn't I see her? It felt too good. Just think... if I could have her back again everything would be okay and this nightmare could be over. I heard Jesus say to me "Okay if you are not ready to have feelings like this that is okay." That quickly the sensation was gone, and again I was left searching. I would like to bottle my sin and kick it away - so far away that it would never come back. Then my search would be over; because if I wouldn't be on a sin-cursed earth I would be able to see heaven and Kira; then my missing piece would be found. The curse of sin blinds me, and keeps me from seeing heaven now. I wait in pain for the day when the curse on mankind will be broken and I will finally see. I long to see what I suspect more and more. I am suspicious that heaven is right in front of our eyes. Our sin - the curse on mankind from the Garden of Eden - keeps us from seeing heaven. I firmly believe one day we will see and ask "How could I not see? Why did I waste so much energy being sad when really Kira - and all of heaven - was so close all along." God, Jesus our Saviour, His glory is too much for us. "For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12. Thank you Jesus for the cross, wherein lies my only hope!

Kira and Marlea were excellent fighters. I often spent a lot of the day solving arguments and fights. Don't get me wrong - there was lots of fun play in between scuffles. At one stage - when Kira didn't like what Marlea was doing, she didn't waste any time letting her know how she felt. She would just pick up a handful of crayons and throw them all at Marlea; handful after handful until I reached her. One day as I was driving, I looked back and saw them holding hands. It was so sweet. Marlea was in the back and Kira in the seat in front of her. They were both straining their arms and Marlea was leaning forward as far as she could. They were both smiling sweetly. I smiled and realized that the saying is true "This (fighting)too shall pass." The crayon throwing wouldn't go on forever.

My prayer request is the same as last week: Pray that especially I would be able to believe that good things will happen again. Satan would like me to believe that's not possible. I have fears to conquer and feelings to work through regarding particularly my children becoming sick. I find myself nearly panicking whenever there is a slight fever with either of them. I sit and wonder if this will be the last time I will hold my child. I can hardly help from feeling that way because it is so real to me. Pray that I can trust God as my mind relates to those memories.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Missing Piece

2009-09-29T21:58:00.004-04:00

I often seem to be looking for something. I feel like something is missing. Maybe I am forgetting something as I walk out the door. I double check myself; I have my keys, phone, and wallet - everything is here. Today I was working in the girl's bedroom trying to rearrange so everything fits. They all sleep in one room so everything has to have a place, or there is no place to walk. I keenly felt as if I could arrange everything, but still something is missing. It confused me. I know what it is - I know who it is. I cannot stop missing her. It's her I am missing, her jacket I haven't zipped. Her doll that is still in the room; her shoes that I haven't tied. It's the one that I haven't strapped into her car seat. It's the one whose face I miss when I turn to look at my girls in the van. It's the one that I am missing as I clean up the bedroom - her opinions and ideas about how I should do it. It's her dolls that no one is mothering. It's her things that are still in place, untouched for months. They float around and Anna plays a little with them, but they don't really have an owner. It's her stuffed animals that dominate the pile. They lie forsaken and lonely - waiting just like the rest of us for their owner. But she doesn't come; she isn't hiding, neither is she sleeping. Merlin comes in the door and she is not with him... Kira is the piece that is missing. She is the piece that will be missing until we die. We will need to be okay with the missing piece. To learn to be joyful when we are missing a piece of our life is not an easy feat. And so I lovingly pick up her dolls and put them on Anna's bench. Tears threaten to rain as I rearrange the doll chest and put some favorite stuffed animals on it. I remember from where each one came and I smile. Every one of them comes from a guest here at the inn. Every one of them is full of character, just like her. Crazy ones - like a brown moose that she loved; a frog holding a baby frog; a teddy bear that could wrap its arms around her neck; a lamb that sang her lullabies when she was a baby; a cute white teddy with a pink nose; a lavender one with a ribbon that she always thought was so cute. A lion with which she and Marlea roared at each other. Almost all these had some time in her bed. I look at them and sigh, wishing she could still play with them.

A year or so ago I purchased some soaps that look like chocolate. We gave them as favors to our guests for Valentine's Day. Marlea and Kira thought this was big stuff and tried to sneak them whenever they could. Once I left one lying back in the laundry; when I found it again it had teeth marks on it with a small piece missing. Apparently Kira (with her love of chocolate) had thought it her chance for some chocolate and took a bite. She was so eager that her memory failed to remind her that it was soap, not chocolate. And so we laughed and the girls got one more bar of their beloved chocolate soap. It does smell and look very appealing. It must have not tasted too bad because I never heard anything about it from Kira.

Merlin continues to improve. It's almost scary for me because then when he has a bad day I get so discouraged and afraid. Pray that we would trust God and believe that good can happen. We were in Ohio last weekend and it was very enjoyable. Easier this time, but then it was so hard when we came home. Pray that we would not grow weary in embracing the pain and being okay with it. Sometimes we are so tempted to ignore it. Then when pain catches me again it is so hard. It's so much easier to be honest - then it is more the same all the time.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Grave

2009-09-21T22:07:00.004-04:00

Every Sunday morning when we have gone to church for the last seven months, we have had a new parking spot. Strangely enough, no one else wants our parking spot. We are often late for church and our parking spot is still there waiting patiently for our tan Odyssey. Beside our parking spot is the church graveyard. In it lies the precious body of our Kira. Every time we go to church I glance at that little plot and wish that she would be walking into church with us. Wishing I would be taking her hand like I did so many times and walk into church. Instead, I take Marlea's hand and the other hand is empty. Merlin, Marlea, Anna, and I walk into church feeling empty. The pain is so real and seems so present when we are at the same place as her body. After church we walk back out to our van. We walk over to her grave (Marlea is often already there) and stand there sadly around it. Anna sometimes walks over it or runs off to explore gravestones - especially fingering the angel engraved into a memorial stone close by. My mind wanders back to the picture I have in my mind of her body in the casket. I think of the verse: "To dust thou art and to dust thou shalt return." I know it is true but it is so hard to think of the body I cared for and loved turning to dust. Then my mind drifts to heaven and the real pictures God has given me of her there. I feel myself relaxing in the peace of knowing that this is only her body under this sod-the real Kira is in heaven with a new body. I marvel again at God's plan of salvation and the triumph Jesus made over the grave. Because of Jesus, I have the hope of seeing my little girl again. Peace and reality mix as Merlin and I eventually turn around and walk back to the van. My tears flow as I climb in my door. A silent unspoken sadness reigns in our van as we drive toward home.

Often when I am in the graveyard on Sundays my mind goes back to two weeks before Kira died. My aunt passed away and we were at the graveside. Marlea was peering over the grave and Kira could have cared less about the whole procedure. She was enjoying herself immensely tramping around the graveyard between memorial stones and over a barren, recently covered gravesite. It was wet and muddy that day and her black boots were soon coated with sticky mud. Merlin at one point tried to entertain her on his shoulders. It was fine with her...he was at the edge of the tent, so Kira's head was way above the tent. It didn't matter to her that she couldn't see or that all she could see was the top of the tent. What mattered is that daddy was holding her. It didn't last long and she was soon back to stomping around. By the time we were done, she was a mess waiting to be cleaned up. Her daddy did the cleanup, though frustrated at her wandering.

Thanks for your continued prayers for us. School has started and brought changes for us at home. The house seems so empty and just not the way we thought it would be. Anna, though only 17 months old-and not having seen Kira for the last 7 months, often walks around the house on those two school days calling "Kiki, Kiki..." (she had not started until after school began). Pray that we can continue to seek and embrace God's plan.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Balancing

2009-09-14T21:56:00.004-04:00

There is more to the removal of denial than I anticipated. My balance in this circle - and interrupting it - is being shaken to the core. Some of the events of the last weeks have intensified my desire to be more real and be okay with Kira being in heaven. By trying to face denial more intensely my longings for Kira have also intensified, which in turn makes the struggle to rely on God more intense. I keep reminding myself that I have chosen to trust God, and no one is forcing me to do so. I find that by removing denial, the other parts of "the circle of grief" seem to still be at home. I have decided that they are going to stay. They don't seem wrong to me. Anger is part of God. Bargaining can have it's place, although the Bible accounts of this don't always turn out really well. Depression is sometimes a part of walking through a valley - because when we are low we search the Bible more and seek out God. Life isn't all mountain top experiences, so ups and downs have their place in the balance. The last visitor in the circle "acceptance," is definitely a Godly attribute. These visitors are tipsy, and all of them can be taken too far. There seems to be a gentle balance between good and bad for them. Will I learn to live the balance? My visitors in this grief circle - with God's grace - will become balanced. Will I learn when I am tempted to overbalance to not do so, but instead rely and trust in God more? Will I recognize the signs of overbalance and stop myself before I get there?

Kira loved to come into bed with us. Neither Marlea or Anna liked to sleep there but to Kira it was the ultimate sleeping spot. She usually didn't care if I was there or not, it was Daddy she wanted. At fourteen months old she was climbing out of her crib by herself. Out of fear that she would hurt herself, we put her in a toddler bed. So of course this was great, since she could now find our bed by herself whenever she wanted to do so. She hardly ever slept through the night until she was two years and three months old - so this was a constant struggle. One morning after a particularly restless night, I awoke with a start. Where was she? I then felt some feet in my hair and after a closer look I found her curled around Merlin's head. They were both sleeping peacefully. I sighed and enjoyed the moment. I often think of those sleepless nights and thank God for them. I got to hold her and spend hours more time with her that way. Sure, they were frustrating but the experiences outweigh the frustrations now.

As I reflect on the balancing act I am once again drawn to the people that catch me when I tip over the edge. Our families catch us so often; but, it is in other ways too. Some days it is a card that I get in the mail that catches me. Some days a phone call or email. Lots of days it is the many comments left on here that encourage me. I have lots and lots I can read over and over. We humbly again say thank you.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Like a Sponge

2009-09-08T22:29:00.004-04:00

I feel like a sponge. In the last six months I have been easy to wound - weak. You could press your finger on me and make an indention - just like a sponge. I have small holes in me that would be easy to fill up with traumatized thoughts, guilt, flashbacks, and fear. A sponge has holes in too; it can soak up any liquid. If the sponge absorbs the wrong type of liquid, it becomes hard; the same also to me. But, I haven't. I have been surrounded with people who have given, and then given even more. Friends have filled up the holes with scripture and with prayer. They have filled up the holes with promises and reminders of God's redemption waiting for me at the foot of the cross. They have filled up the holes in me with acts of kindness, prayer, kind, gentle, and soft words. I have soaked them up; my heart has saturated them. I look in people's eyes and see sympathy and true sorrow for our experiences. I let it soak in-I let myself feel Jesus through them. I feel like a sponge that will absorb lots of water. That sponge fills up. There is a cut off point where one wrings it out or the liquid will spill everywhere. Our friends just lost their seven-year old son yesterday. I mourn and weep for them. I am tempted to stay in my comfortable house. I could say "I can't go - it will bring too much pain and flashbacks." But they need others. They need people who know how they feel. Will I let my sponge be wrung out into other's deserts? Do I believe I have anything to offer them? Am I going to keep absorbing and absorbing and never give? Or will I let it come out? Will I let everything that has filled me, the energy other people have poured into my life, the kind acts and words that touched my broken spirit-can I let it out?

We were in Ohio to visit Merlin's family over the weekend. It was hard and good at the same time. It seemed okay to go - finally. We missed Kira so much, it could seem so raw again. I have had lots of opportunity to put last weeks thought to action. But again, my sponge was filled with kindness and tender words. Even Sunday morning at church, we saw people we haven't seen for months - and really I don't know them that well. But they genuinely care, and I feel Jesus through them. I was encouraged. It was so good to be with family again, even though it was different.

I will attempt to share my two favorite memories of Kira in Ohio. When we arrived at Grandpa's house, she had a mission to fulfill. Her mission was to find Grandma. We would sometimes arrive late and Grandma would be asleep on a chair. She couldn't feel at home until she found her. Once she was in the shower and had to wait really long until Grandma was done. She didn't have lots of words for Grandma, but the beaming, delighted face said it all. My other memory is that she liked Grandpa's rug in the living room. In fact, she liked it so much that she would crawl with the top of her head down against the rug and go across the floor like that just to be crazy. It of course made her hair stand out. I guess it was soft compared to our floor! Who knows?

I think of my illustration of the sponge and I am so thankful again for kind friends. Many of you have given to me so much again and again. Not just our friends, but our guests too, some that I really don't know very well. You have all given us deep sympathy and kind words. Thank you, and we ask for your continuing prayers. We are not finished soaking, but we desire to sometime have energy to invest in others again.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Circle

2009-08-31T22:41:00.003-04:00

The grieving process seems to be a circle. It goes around and around, and never stops. It pauses briefly at each feeling - sometimes the feeling lasts a week before it continues. The main factors in this circle include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They begin to feel like part of my life... and I am not sure that I like it. At first these factors were visitors and I embraced them because it seemed like the hospitable thing to do. But to stay - I didn't invite them to stay, let alone become a ongoing circle. So I decided to talk to God about them last week. God gently - oh, so gently encouraged me to slide one out of the circle and see what happens. Ironically I find myself starting with "denial." This particular visitor can really throw me out of shape. It makes tears come in torrents. And it makes anger come in bushels. Denial finds me bargaining with God-if only I had done this or that Kira wouldn't have died. It sends me spiraling into depression. Weeks later I come floating back up to the facts of life and acceptance. So I am trying to replace denial with God's grace. When I feel it in my face - I calmly think of the events leading up to Kira's death and say: "God, this is part of my life now. Part of my memories. I can't do this by myself-God. But, with your grace I am okay with it. It did happen and it is alright". And so I am able to stare denial in the face and say: "you know, I am tired of being in denial. You tell me things that aren't true and I choose to replace you with God's grace." I can testify that it is working. Maybe later on God will nudge me to slide another one out. Perhaps removing denial destroys the circle and the rest will need to leave and be replaced with other attributes of God. I haven't figured it out yet.

I had a chance to put my words to practice last week. We went back to Hershey Medical Center and had a meeting with Kira's doctor, nurse, and the PICU counselor. It was good and very hard at the same time. I dreaded going back; the day before our visit God gave us three specific happenings that were totally overwhelming, making it much easier to go back. We thank God for these three people and for the influence God has had through them. We had some questions for Kira's doctor and received the same inconclusive answers. We find ourselves grappling for reasons - but there aren't any. The situation was unavoidable. In a way that inevitability makes it easier because there is simply no way to associate blame. The visit did bring back unsettling memories and lots of tense muscles. We are still trying to un-string the muscles. The visit was hard on Marlea but she really enjoyed it. Not many kids get to see inside the PICU at Hershey! It has made a life-long impression on her. She hooks up all kinds of stuff to her dolls' mouths. Anna was okay, but also ready to leave. After her nap later in the day, she spent about an hour walking around the house screaming - just for fun. I guess it was her way of getting it out of her system because after that she acted okay and happy. It also made us reflect again on the faithfulness of God those days in the hospital. We literally felt like he was with us in the room with Kira. And the truth of the matter?... He was!

Marlea's birthday is tomorrow. She was so sad tonight about not having Kira on her birthday. Please pray that God will feel close to her tomorrow and that we can have a good day. It will be hard for Merlin and I too. The girls and I have a tradition of decorating the cake together and we had so much fun doing Kira's in February. Merlin has been feeling better again the last several days and we thank God for that. Thanks for your prayers!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Six Months

2009-08-24T22:00:00.003-04:00

Six months used to be a long time. In six months, we went from snow and cold to the end of summer. School had three more months to go six months ago, now it has only several days until it starts again. Six months ago we wore coats, gloves, and mittens. Six months ago I vividly remember walking into Hershey Medical Center. My sister was with me. I had a coat on, long socks, and a sweater. I remember feeling the bitter cold wind since my coat was open. The cold stung my face and blew hard swirls inside my coat. I didn't care, it was so much less pain then what I was feeling in my heart. My heart was full of more pain then I ever knew in my life. My life, a few days before was happy and full of life. Now I was walking toward this building where my daughter lay lifeless. My sweet little girl who just a few days earlier had been running around after her big sister. I knew as I walked that I would be faced with hard decisions in the next hours, and that I actually wasn't counting on leaving with my daughter. I thought it would be the undertaker that took her home, not me. The cold seemed to go with the pain I knew would be mine to embrace in the next twenty-four hours. So I embraced the pain the cold gave me almost willingly. I silently thanked God that at least the weather matched the circumstances in my life. I bowed my head and pressed on toward that door of the hospital, determination driving me on. Determination to be the mother God wants me to be - strong, courageous, and gentle. To be the mother my little girl needed even though she couldn't see or hear me. Even though it was only my touch that mattered to her body. That night I pressed on - up the elevator - down the hall to PICU. To my heartbroken husband. To my ever-faithful family and friends who were with us night and day those five days in the hospital. Most of all to my little girl who needed me in her last night on this earth. I laid beside her most of the night - heartbroken. I went through the events of the next day with basically no sleep. I watched the last brain tests knowing what the outcome would be. Together, Merlin and I endured the torture of telling Marlea that Kira was going to die. We held our daughter as her heartwrenching wails reached to heaven and literally the whole way down the hall. We by the grace of God and your prayers endured the most horrible pain a parent can endure. Surrounded by our family and friends we said good-bye to our little Sunshine and Jesus took her home. We quietly said good-bye to the nurses and doctor, gathered her things, and stumbled out to our vehicle. The ride home was unbearable. We were so tired, heartbroken, and drained. The thought of coming in the door - all four of us without Kira was horrible. Determination straight from the throne of God was our only sustenance. And it was there along with lots of grace. I don't look back and say: "Wow, I don't know how we did it". There was no other way but God. He was an is so real to us.

There is more to this story that needs to be told sometime. I don't feel like the right time is here yet. I pray that God would give me the foresight and grace I need to complete the story. I don't feel as if the story is finished yet in our lives. Some of the things we felt that night six months ago are sacred, personal to both of us, and yet we both feel they need to be told for the glory of God. I will say this: I don't feel like we would have been able to physically and emotionally experience God like we did that night without your prayers. I am indebted.

A few days ago I found Marlea on the floor holding Anna. She was singing a song. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, if you only knew Kira how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away." She looked at me sheepishly and grinned. The pain was radiant on her face. I turned away, wanting to hide my tears. Remembering the many times she sang that song to Kira. She wanted to sing it to Anna, but it felt like betrayal to Kira to use Anna's name instead. In a way, it gave me a clear picture of the pain she still faces every day. The pain that comes out in other ways besides words. Pray that God would continue to give us wisdom to know how to guide her in the right direction. Next Tuesday is her birthday, and she already can't wait; she loves opening cards that have M-a-r-l-e-a written on the front.

Thanks to all of you for your extra prayers and thoughtful actions today. I spent the day sewing for my mother and it felt so appropriate to be doing something for someone else. Most of all, I felt God strongly encouraging me to enjoy our children that are still here. I did, and in a way it was so much fun and made the day bearable. None of their names are Kira, but I saw sunshine on their faces!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Rest

2009-08-17T22:12:00.003-04:00

Rest-is there anything like it on earth for us to experience now? I ponder things; I try to figure out the days ahead, and my mind wanders. That is not rest. I work all day, and when I sit down I think about what I could be doing...that is not rest. I go to a party with my children and husband, and run after children all evening (I wish to have to run more!). That is not rest. On Sunday, I think I will rest. Instead, I care for my family. Although I love it - it is not rest. My heart wants to rest, my mind wants to rest, and my body wants to rest. Rest, is there rest anywhere? Does a mother ever really rest with both eyes shut and her brain turned off? More than that, can my heart rest? Can I be so okay with disappointment, pain, and reality that I feel rest? Can I in my simple humanness effectively turn my struggles over to Jesus and just rest in Him? My desire to fight is gone. My desire to be me and who I want or think I should be is gone. My desire to control my circumstances is gone. What's the point anyway? It is so much easier to rest in Jesus. Rest brings peace, no struggle, less stress, and a joyful attitude toward life. Rest is way at the bottom of the struggle; it's a giving up of my will. In it's place comes a filling of God like I have never experienced before. I feel no need to get upset with the trivial things of life. I feel in its place a passion to live for God - a passion to encourage those around me - a passion to keep my eyes set on Heaven. I feel more mercy from God than I ever did before. Endless mercy! It makes rest even more peaceful. The ultimate rest is Heaven. But I am amazed at the rest Jesus has to offer me here on this earth. It is just a taste of Heaven! "Come to Me all who labor and are heavy laden AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gently and lowly in heart, AND YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" Matthew 11:28-30

A few months ago Marlea and Kira were playing doll and dress up. They both had/have imaginary husbands. They both came to me with longing looks on their faces. The words that came out of their mouths astounded me. "We want husbands. You have daddy, but we don't have husbands". I could hardly keep a straight face. I said something about praying for one for when they are older. I keep that memory and tuck it in my heart. Remembering that Kira's wish came true and she is being loved perfectly by her heavenly Father.

Merlin continues to struggle physically and all of us emotionally. Pray that we would have a clear picture of what God wants in our healing process. We thank God for the healing we have experienced both physically and emotionally. We continue to thank you all for holding us up. We have never felt forgotten in our current journey...it's almost six months.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Disappointment

2009-08-10T22:15:00.003-04:00

Disappointments-we face them every day. Today I feel disappointed. I am disappointed that life isn't turning out like I thought it was going too. I feel disappointment in my heart from not being able to understand God's whole picture from the beginning of my life. If He would let me see it, then I would know and wouldn't be disappointed because I would know what to do when. Instead, I am dealing with disappointment. My heart feels uncertain of what to feel when because it has disappointment in it. I find myself wary of trusting God. I find myself wondering why God gave us choices in life. I can choose to trust-I can choose to feel disappointment. Why do I think it has to be my way...why do I think this is God's plan B for our lives? What if this is God's plan A? Am I going to be okay with that or am I going to feel disappointment in God for the rest of my life because I think this is plan B? I want what I thought was plan A. I am disappointed that we now have to live in plan B; or I can choose to believe that God is sovereign? If I choose that avenue, I feel peace, trust, and life is okay. To believe that God is sovereign creates a strong thread that winds me tightly in my Father's embrace. I picture me there-not because I have to, but because I want to. Choices He left up to us. I feel broken there - yet loved. I feel tears because with that embrace I choose to believe that God knows what is best for me. My disappointment is replaced with an amazing sense of trust, security, and loyalty for my heavenly Father.

Last summer the girls had this hang up on getting mad at people who came close to our porch. For those of you who don't know us, we live at a bed and breakfast and our front patio goes right out onto the parking lot for our guests. One morning last summer Kira was out there with me and along came one of our guests. Kira, without batting an eye said "Hey old man!" I could have died of embarrassment. I appreciate this guest and his family very much and felt terrible that my two-year-old daughter would talk like that. I still don't know from where those words came. The worst part of that statement is with the consideration that children usually repeat words from their parents; so one could assume that is how we talk when no one is around. That of course not being true, but how could we prove that when our two-year-old pops off a statement of such disgrace? Fortunately for me, my guest was very gracious and understanding! Any amount of graciousness couldn't take away my embarrassment!

The past week has been fairly stressful for us again. As a result, we are feeling weak. Merlin is not doing very well tonight and I feel disappointed that the doing better is not holding out like I would like for it to do. Please pray that we would be able to melt our will to His. Please pray that Marlea would feel the security and love of Jesus.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Love of God

2009-08-03T22:33:00.003-04:00

One evening when I was filled with pain, I opened my devotional and found these words from Ephesians 3:17-20: "I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." I want this. I want to know, experience, and to have Christ at home in my heart. I want roots - deep, long, unmovable ones. I want to understand - and yet the Bible says I never will fully. I want the power, the boldness, the energy that goes with it. I want God to be glorified.

As I repeatedly read this passage I cried and cried. I don't understand the things God has allowed into our lives. But neither do I understand the love God has for me, as His child. And His love is so much greater then anything else I know. The small taste I have and know about is that if I really can grasp that God loves me like this, anything that happens in life will be okay, because with love God has my best in mind. But I am human and so little compared to God. So therefore, I will never quite get it? And yet I read - then I will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. I chose again to love, to believe, to trust.

At the mountains this past weekend I was reminded of Kira so much. One picture in my mind that I have of her is - she was out in the lawn, a huge lawn following her daddy who was playing a game. Nothing else mattered except trotting after him. So what that there were other children and things to play with. It was daddy she wanted to be with so it didn't matter how long or hard she had to walk. On the flip side I think of this and it reminds me vividly of the loss of this picture for Merlin and I. But I enjoy the memory. It is embedded in my mind, and it reminds me of what I want to be like with my heavenly Father....

Thanks so much for praying for us again this past weekend. I can say it was probably one of the most draining emotional times for numerous reasons, and yet I so strongly felt the love of God, and His grace. We could feel your prayers, we could feel God. Marlea didn't seem to think it was a big deal because Kira was there anyway. Sometime we will understand more and I know we will be surprised.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Talking

2009-07-27T21:45:00.003-04:00

Talking is an amazing act of the brain, vocal cords, tongue, and mouth. It's what we use to communicate our heart, our feelings. By using this tool we convey to other people who we are. We base our opinions of people a lot by what they say. We use quotes from people who died many years ago. Sometimes we are not sure what to say, and the wrong words come out at the wrong time. We want other people to share their feelings but we might have to ask a simple question first. That simple question is the bridge, a bridge into people's hearts. Picture with me an old concrete bridge-the kind with big round holes in the bottom for boats to pass through. There is a break in this bridge. Across the gap there is a skinny two by four. Caring questions are that bridge. They open the way to meaningful conversation, heart feelings, intense struggle. They might be what that person needs to feel God right at that minute. A person can be intensely lonely but a question can change it all around in minutes. A person might be hurting but a question can bring that person out of despair and straight to Jesus. One might be thinking nobody cares, but your kind question is an act of "a little of Christ" to him or her. We are generally scared of talking, especially in anything involving intense pain. We are scared to ask that simple question. On the other hand, if asked that question - some of us are afraid to be honest. Bridging the gap is so intense because Satan loves to make us feel alone, lost, and in despair. Martyr style is great for him. Jesus wants us to bridge that gap; He calls us to be caring, gently guides us to ask questions, and gives us the strength to relay our feelings to others so they know how to care for us. Talking also connects happenings in our lives. Situations change us - to talk bridges that gap and connects us to the person we are talking with. It connects us because we feel care, love, and concern for each other when we talk.

Today two people stand out in my mind when I think about talking. Both of these people wouldn't have had to ask me any questions, they wouldn't have had to share personal experiences with me. But they did, they braved it and looked me in the eye. They cared enough to take the time to encourage me. They were "a little of Christ" to me. The one person I met briefly maybe twice. The other I had never met before. In turn, I listened intently to their words, their story. I cared about their pain in ways that I wouldn't have before. If only I could have been like this without being in such intense pain myself. Jesus did it-I want to do it to. Matthew 5:15 reads "Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light unto all that are in the house."

Kira was just turning into a little lady. She was leaving the two year old world and entering the world of a three year old. Linda, my sister-in-law shared a memory with me this weekend of the last time she had been with Kira. When we arrived for Christmas, Kira came up shyly beside her and said: "Hi". So sweet, so her. I can feel her beside me now saying: "thanks for supper, mom". I guess God makes the little ones who are more high maintenance sweet so the good outweighs the bad. They are heart melters.

Thanks to all of you who bridge the gap bravely in our lives. You are daring to walk onto that narrow path holding us by the hand. You have encouraged us gently to talk - to share our feelings and intense struggles. We will never be able to repay you but you have drawn us to Jesus. Thanks especially for praying for us last weekend. The hole Kira left is huge and it hurt so much to go on vacation and have a good time without her. But again, talking with our family helped so much!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Coincidence

2009-07-20T22:15:00.003-04:00

We say it all the time-coincidence. We believe it as we hear a crazy story. We act as if it were coincidence when we tell something that happened. We walk down the road and just happen to see a friend. We call someone and they were going to call me-it just happened..? We read a book and it just happens to meet a need. We open our Bible to read and find just the right verse. Do things just happen? Is there anything like coincidence? The last four months I have been thinking a lot about the whole ordeal and since then. The many things that have happened were so right. When I called 911 - I believe God arranged which operator would answer. She responded with exactly what I needed; she has touched me in ways I didn't expect. In a matter of three minutes my neighbor was charging in the house - I didn't even know him then. He came complete with an EMT license and a bag of medical emergency stuff. In seven minutes the ambulance was here and Kira was in the ambulance. It wasn't coincidence...this is amazing...this is God. This was so fast for everything to happen! I know all this because the emergency operator was timing it. In fifteen minutes Kira was at the hospital. At Hershey she didn't just happen to have the right nurses. They were all so gentle and caring. I firmly believe we had the perfect nurse for each day we were there. Coincidence - no...God! The doctor she had was exactly the right one-the more he learned about her, the more he loved her. He sorrowed and wept right with us. God knew we needed him - it was no coincidence. Since then I could recall countless times when I received cards with exactly the right verses and words from people who care. I could tell of numerous times when my devotional in the evening was exactly what I had been thinking all day. The one night after writing a blog and using a verse, that same verse was in my devotional. Coincidence - no...God! God is so much bigger then we think He is. It is so beyond our comprehension how insignificant we are, how God can be everywhere at one time, and how much He cares for us. These things I mentioned here are from God. I don't believe in coincidence anymore. There have been too many. I firmly believe that God is the controller of this universe and every little detail that happens in it. Yes - bad things happen. Bad things happened to me - but look how God cared for us in spite of it all. I can't get around it-I honor the God of heaven and earth!

In the morning when I am doing breakfast for my guests I miss Kira so much. She often woke earlier than the other two. If I was finished making breakfast I would hold her on the rocking chair and rock and cuddle her. I would sit there as long as she wanted. It was her "momma time". Last week I was thinking so much about it and missing her. What do you know, that morning Anna woke early and has been every morning since. Coincidence - no...God! No, she won't replace Kira but it was a touch of heaven to me. I miss those momma times with Kira...Jesus, please hold Kira for me. Oh, the pain that goes with trusting that Jesus knows how to care for her is beyond words.

Merlin's bad days are definitely getting fewer. Praise God with us for that! Thanks so much for caring and praying. The next two weeks look trying to us, since both our families will be spending time together; and so, our first family vacations without Kira. Please pray that we would feel God's grace in real ways. In some ways it looks impossible....

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Wanted: a Map

2009-07-13T22:05:00.004-04:00

Today is my birthday. On my birthday I like to plan a little about the next year. What will I do, who will I become, what would I like to change to become a better person? Today, July 13, 2009 I wish for a map. A map that would tell me where to go in life, with all my feelings and thoughts. A map that would give me some kind of direction of how all my sorrow and pain will become redeemed and beautiful at the foot of the cross. A map to tell me how to let it be redeemed-how to let it become beautiful. A map to direct if I should go east, west, north, or south. Right now I feel like I am being pulled in all directions. They are interpreted by denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and the most encompassing one: acceptance. The acceptance one is a pull that feels like all directions at once. Also the most confusing - because I will never be okay with what happened to Kira. My acceptance has to do with being redeemed by Jesus. I wish this map would also tell me who I will become after this fight. How do I know what to feel if I can't see the end result? I have no idea who I will become, or who I am even trying to become because I am not trying to become anyone and yet I am changing. But really what has changed is the direction I am going...my goal is heaven more then ever before. There is a map to heaven - it is the written word of God. That can be frustrating because I have trouble absorbing what I read. So that brings me back to the beginning: I wish for a map. But alas, there is none to tell me exactly where to go, what to feel. It is uncharted territory. I have never been here before. I have no experience. No one else does either because every situation is different. Sure - advice and insight help tremendously but really in the end it is us, Kira, and what happened. And the power I tend to forget about, the one who will guide me if I just let Him, the one who waits until I ask for direction: Jesus. I have been thinking about this for weeks already and already God brought a major happening into my life that was far beyond anything I imagined would ever happen. The healing I experienced from the happening was amazing and real. From this experience I can trust more easily that God is in control. But it takes a tremendous amount of trust and being okay with the "lost" feeling.

Last year on my birthday we went to Chili's restaurant. We took the girls along. We had a great time, only I never got to eat my food. I had to bring it home and eat it later. We were so busy keeping the three girls happy I didn't even mind eating it later. If I remember right the keeping happy became a joke: Marlea fussing, Kira's tummy hurt, and Anna was crying. I wished for it tonight. We were only four tonight and each of us was quite well behaved in comparison. The fifth person would maybe have been acting like a little lady, too? It was almost like I could reach out and feel her presence. And yet if I tried it was unattainable, just beyond my reach. The hole.....

Pray that we will continue to trust our heavenly Father, and that we will feel His deep love for us. Pray that we would see glimpses of His Map as a touch of His reassurance that He does indeed love us.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Disconnected

2009-07-06T22:43:00.003-04:00

Disconnected-that's how I feel. Over four months later I find myself wondering "Did this really happen to me, am I sure it happened, is it just a bad dream?" I look outside and see someone walking past on the road or next door-maybe it happened to them and not me. I see someone at the store-maybe that was their child I heard about. I meet a car on the road-maybe it is them with an empty car seat. I have trouble remembering who I am. I have trouble remembering what the pain is that I am feeling so strongly. I get mixed up and upset about strange things that have no significance in comparison to the real pain that I feel. I have trouble identifying the issue when my children are upset...after all - what really are they feeling? How am I to know when their little minds don't understand everything. So I falter, guess, and guess again. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am way off. Usually they are just like me: confused, searching, and hurting. Sometimes I need to be reminded that it is summer and not fall or winter. How would I know when I can hardly recognize beauty? I look at a picture of the five of us and wonder who those people were. I wish with all my heart to feel the middle child on that picture and know her now, today. In that I remember the pain, reality, the happenings of the last months. Today I remembered it by reading the blog from Feb. 24th. Tears came, I couldn't deny that it's not true. It sounded too familiar. I am the mother, we are the family, it is our child/sister. She is gone, my worst nightmare became reality. I am not the same, and I never will be. I am confused, hurting, wounded and it's okay. Someday there will be no more pain, sickness, death, sorrow, or crying. I will live today with life in perspective of heaven because there is no other way to live. I will live today knowing that God has me in the palm of His hand because there is no other way I can survive. I will live today because I am blessed to have two little girls yet to care for and a husband who loves me.

As I lay in bed tonight putting Marlea to sleep I was reminded of Kira. She was sometimes scary to lay beside. Not so much the last six months as before that. If she was mad at you for some reason, you needed to watch out. She had strong legs and very good aim. Somehow, she always managed to get me in the stomach with a good sound kick. If it wasn't the stomach it was my face. The aim was impeccable and produced some kind of fulfillment for her. Her mother - on the other hand - was not at all amused.

Everyone's encouragement to us is very uplifting. We continue to thank you all for it. It is so nice to read back over all these encouraging notes when I need an extra lift. Words can not express my gratitude. Merlin is still doing okay. He took another blood test and the infection antibody levels remain about the same. That was a bit discouraging, it would be nice to see improvement. Pray that we will not be discouraged!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Sunshine and the Cloud

2009-06-29T22:27:00.003-04:00

Sunshine - I feel sunshine again. I see it almost every morning as I stumble out to get the paper. I see it prodding a flower to be real and beautiful. I see it as I look out the window during the day. I feel it in my step, I hear it as I sing while working, and as I speak it to my children. I glance across the street and see our cow who's name ironically is "Sunshine." I taste it as I drink the milk she gives. It feels as if God is encouraging me to be brave and feel the sunshine of life. We teased Kira that her and the cow have the same name. Now, I look back and wonder at God. I feel sunshine as I tramp through the flowerbeds and step on green grass. I gaze in wonder at the sun and it's amazing God-given ability to give life to things that lie dormant and ugly. Amid the sunshine I feel a cloud. A cloud that seems to follow me wherever I go. It follows me to the store, on vacation, and to church. It even follows me to bed in the dark. The cloud has sadness in it. Deep sorrow, pain, and frustration. It contains a wish to live the last several months over and the new plan would magically be full of miracles. It holds the unending mystery of how life would be if Kira would be here right now. Sometimes it feels like the cloud holds the rain that comes out of my eyes and runs unashamedly down my face. The cloud frightens me. I have never lived with an overshadowing cloud. The more that time goes on, the more it seems like this cloud will stay with me for the rest of my life. Reality is that somehow I need to learn to be okay with the cloud. Right now it looks impossible, way too far out of my comfort zone. I never liked clouds; I always chased them away somehow or figured them out so I was okay with them. This cloud is so different, because God is in this cloud too. This cloud is somehow a tie to the healing process that I haven't figured out yet. Maybe it's not for me to even figure out. Maybe with God the cloud is chased to the foot of the cross? Maybe it will happen and I won't even realize it. Maybe the sunshine will make it smaller. But for now, I want the cloud. I also want it to be a redeemed cloud.....

Today I was doing some cleaning in the girls' bedroom. As I moved the nightstand that used to be Kira's something shiny caught my eye. There tucked in between the mattress and box-spring were two quarters. I snickered, remembering all the times she would run off with whatever money she could find. Her piggy bank had an unending appetite. It sometimes got so hungry it would eat all of Marlea's money or the change box pennies. I don't know where the quarters came from that I found today but something tells me they weren't hers!

Pray that we will be able to continue the healing in our lives. It gets almost harder as time goes on and yet the pain continues. I long for a picture of what healing actually is. To experience healing for such deep unending pain is somewhat mysterious to us. "This world is not my home, I am just a passing thru, my treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue..." are words to a song I think of during the day.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Grace of God

2009-06-22T22:38:00.003-04:00

Grace-what is it, where does it come from. Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." To me grace feels so close. Daily, sometimes minute by minute I ask God for more. Sometimes I feel like I am begging and surely He is tired of me. Here I am again God - it's me again; I need more, please God. I even get demanding and say desperately: "Please God, hurry up, I can't do this on my own." There is always more, grace seems to be in endless supply. I am fascinated by what happens when I plead and ask for grace. In asking, I admit that I can't live life on my own, it's too big, over the edge. By admitting that I can't do it on my own, I am blessed with an abundance of peace. In feeling peace, I am freed from the cares of life. Sometimes it lasts for several days, sometimes for just a minute. People go through something hard and they look back and say: "If it wouldn't have been for the grace of God I wouldn't have survived." Right now, I feel God's grace so keenly that I feel it right now. I don't feel like I could live another minute without it. I am in awe of a God who has an endless supply of grace. I bow in thankfulness, realizing that if it wouldn't be for His grace, I wouldn't have the promise of eternal life. I want to get a hold of the verse in Ephesians 2:8 and live it out for the rest of my life in a deeper way. "For by grace ye are saved, not of yourselves, it is the gift of God." I spread my arms in praise, realizing that I wouldn't have been able to live the horrors of the last months without God's promise of endless grace. I face tomorrow knowing that once again I will be helpless, bent in pain, and there will again be enough grace for me to live the day.

At bedtime Kira would ask Merlin to "sing a new one." He would try and every time it wouldn't be the right one. Finally, he would sing "Jesus Loves Me" and then she was satisfied. "Jesus Loves Me" was new to her every day! Oh, the simplicity of salvation when it is viewed through the eyes of a child and Jesus' love.

It was hard to celebrate Father's Day yesterday. I feel like I almost avoided the pain, maybe good, maybe not. The pain of not having Kira here with us, the pain of not being able to watch Merlin with the three little girls was enormous for both of us. Thoughts go back to last year...but it will never be the same, yesterday is gone. Pray that we will continue to lean on God. Grace to embrace the reality of today. Pray that Merlin will continue to heal physically. We feel indebted for the care and love we feel and we pray that God will in turn bless you all richly.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Broken Dreams

2009-06-15T22:38:00.003-04:00

Last night I dreamed again that Kira was in the hospital, we were so upset-but then she recovered. We were so happy to have her home again and enjoyed her so much. I awoke with a start, thinking it was true and everything was okay again. Disappointment and anger came as I blinked remembering that no, Kira is in heaven, not back in her bed. Tears rolled in my heart as I tossed in my bed trying to come to grips with reality and be okay with it. God, why? Why is she gone? Why can't I still have her? Why did our dreams for her have to be shattered? Thinking of the dream throughout the day reminded me of our dreams for her...

Kira was so sweet-we had dreams that she would become a lady that brings tenderness and caring to people. Kira was joyful-we envisioned her filling those around her with God's joy. Kira was full of energy-we thought of all she would be able to do. Kira was smart-we watched that look of understanding growing in her eyes and realized she could become very intelligent. Kira was beautiful-we dreamed of her being a beautiful woman. Kira was tall-we pictured her at six feet tall, and even maybe more when she would be finished growing. As I thought of these things and pondered them in my heart I realized the pain of not being a part of these dreams. The dreams I had in my heart of being her mother, helping her through life, watching her discover things for herself, being there for her when the world crashes in, leading her to Jesus, directing her energy in the right way. Dreams, broken dreams, shattered in a couple of days. Shattered by just a few wrong twists of events. Dreams that are no longer earthly dreams; they have turned into dreams of arriving in heaven and seeing her again. Dreams that lay broken waiting for Jesus to heal them and turn them into something beautiful.

A few weeks ago I wrote on "Fear." I have felt a very distinct release of fear since being honest about it. Thanks so much to all of you for your encouragement. I realized again how the truth sets us free. Along with that Satan tries very hard to make me believe it's just my imagination that I feel better about it. He is trying another tactic with me, trying to destroy my vision and anticipation of heaven, or that it is even real. Please pray that Merlin and I will be strong in this battle and not believe the lies. The battle wages on. We know from prior experience that God hears the prayers of his saints, and we thank you for them.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Who Am I?

2009-06-08T22:31:00.005-04:00

Who am I? I am a wife and a mother of three girls. Two here and one in heaven. But, really I am not mothering my second-born anymore. When Kira was born I had a fairly big adjustment. With one child I was able to still do some cleaning and managed to keep after the office things fairly well. I could still answer the phone without guests thinking this is also daycare. With two girls, I had to make some changes and couldn't manage everything without more help. As Kira grew I hardly knew how to handle her energy. Also she was up a lot at night, so I was tired. It got to the point where I couldn't sleep anymore. I sought some advice and direction in how to deal with myself. I adapted to her and that worked much better. In doing that, I changed - mostly for the better and learned to live life as it comes instead of thinking I had to have it all figured out. That obviously wasn't working with my unpredictable child. I learned to enjoy her, laugh at her craziness-even join in. In that I became more crazy and carefree myself which was more how I used to be when I was a child. Maybe she reminded me of who I used to be? Now that she is no longer here with us I find myself wondering who I really am. How can I still be that person without her? I loved that person...no sadness, no heartaches, totally carefree. I lived each day at at time - I had learned not to plan tomorrow for tomorrow will plan itself. Now, I laugh - but under it I feel a lump and so much sadness my heart wants to die. I feel like my heart will hurt forever. My carefree attitude seems gone like a vapor, just like Kira. I think of tomorrow and think "Oh no, I will feel the pain tomorrow just like I do today, maybe worse." What do I do with all these lessons life has taught me? They are shaping my life whether or not I like it. Do I let them, or do I rebel and run? Is there any possible way to combine and balance who I am becoming and who I was? But, I don't like this new person...I don't want to be her...I don't want anything to do with her. It's not my choice, not my life, not my day tomorrow. God doesn't mind being patient with me. He will bring beauty out of what seems to be ashes to me. And so I relax in the arms of my heavenly Father. It seems so easy... yet so very, very hard. The amount of pain and confusion that go with it are beyond words. I feel like the Israelites in the Bible who wandered around in the wilderness for forty years looking for the promised land. They had the tabernacle of God with them for direction and it had four corners, just like my Bible does. I could say more about that; just read about it too. The sermon was about the Tabernacle this Sunday at church and it made so much sense to me in ways it never had before. Most of all, I am thankful for God's Word!

Last night at supper, Merlin threatened to eat all the rest of the ice cream. All of a sudden I could hear Kira saying: "Mia(her name for Marlea), Ki-ki eat whole thing!" Marlea would scream in terror and anger and Kira would of course be delighted, with her mission accomplished. I don't remember what all she threatened to eat but I am sure it was something Marlea really liked! I can still see the look on Kira's face...

As you can tell, the pain goes on. Please pray that we will not grow weary, but be strong in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. Merlin continues to improve and we are all enjoying our Daddy very much. It's been long! Please pray that his health continues to improve. He has a long way to go, but we praise God for the progress.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea and Anna

Expectations of God

2009-05-31T16:50:00.004-04:00

Expectation: the prospect of something good to happen. What is my view of God? Do I put myself on a pedestal expecting God to bless me because of what He allowed in my life? I feel sometimes like I hold Him out at arm's length. "God, if you do this, I will..." Is that actually how my heart feels or is that Satan distorting the fundamental belief that God is good? What makes me expect that I should receive blessings from God? Who am I, but a little person in the eyes of a big God. The Bible says that God sees a sparrow fall. If God cares about the sparrow, won't he see and bless me? But, why do I deserve His blessing? Am I a waiting - like a dog waiting for a biscuit? What if something "bad" would happen? Would I forsake God because my disappointment would be so great? Am I going to live life waiting for something? Or am I going to love God with no reserve - unconditionally. To love unconditionally means to love with all your heart no matter what happens. In all my wanderings and expectations I choose to love. Love is much more fulfilling, more calming, and a lot less worrisome. After all, if God loved me enough to die for my sins, why shouldn't I love? The human part of me will continue to question, and Satan will continue to try to distort. I might continue to wait for my biscuit but my God - my heavenly Father - understands. He created me with choice, understands my wanderings, and knows that I will come back to love because He knows my heart.

When Kira was about two and a half people would tell her "You're cute." With fiery eyes and an insulted look she would say: "No! Ki-ki!" Meaning "cute" is not her name, she is Ki-ki. She did the same thing when people told her she looks like her daddy. "No! Ki-ki!" She was her own person, whoever heard of looking like someone else, she was only Kira. We teased her: "Kira, are you cute?" Fire! "No, Kiki!" Her daddy loved that line!

Merlin was at the doctor this week. We are hoping that the recommendations will work for him. We have been on the medical route before and it didn't work. This will take a long time, but the end result looks promising. We also made some diet adjustments which seem to be working well. Spring allergy season is coming to an end, which should also be helpful.

Pray for Merlin's healing, and that our marriage especially could remain strong, and that we can continue to meet Marlea's needs in the way that brings her closer to Jesus.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

How it used to be

2009-05-25T22:37:00.004-04:00

Happy shrieks of laughter, horrific arguments, and Anna yelling from being tormented. A sweet little girl finding her momma in the inn kitchen in the morning, calling her daddy on his phone for breakfast, wanting to be rocked all by herself while the others were still sleeping. Two little girls clamoring for Daddy's attention, two little girls running out the door to go with Daddy on a delivery, two little girls riding a dirtbike with their Daddy. The sounds of four little feet running through the house, two little girls eating supper, two little girls getting a bath, two little girls planning to wear look alike pj's, two little girls listening to stories. One little girl falling asleep during prayer, relaxed in her daddy's arms(at least some nights). Her older sister takes a long time to fall asleep - but she is out like the lamp. Two little girls laying in bed fast asleep, the shrieks of laughter are turned into dreamy thoughts and the horrific arguments are forgotten. A momma and daddy tiptoe in when weary eyes are closed-smile thankfully and turn out the light. Now, if we can just convince the baby to sleep yet, peace will be ours for a few hours. Later they come back again and smile, seeing three little girls sleeping blissfully.

These are scenes of the past for us. Scenes we enjoyed and loved. Times we treasure-moments we lived that will never be back to the same. Instead, one five year old who feels lost and lonely. One little girl playing by herself, occasional shrieks of laughter from a five year old and a baby trying to play together, but few arguments to solve. One little girl to read stories to, pray with, and try to persuade to go to sleep in her big empty bed. Momma and Daddy tiptoe in to turn off the light and there is one little girl in bed and a baby in the crib. Later, they tiptoe in again and smile thanking God for two precious little girls but dreadfully missing the third. We again cry out to God in our pain desperately needing His grace to sleep another night, live another day. Inside we feel like knocking on Heaven's gate, asking for answers that we can't find here. In our frailty we remember that when we do get to heaven's gate-the questions of this pain filled earth won't matter anymore. What will matter is that we lived the way God called us to live with our whole hearts.

Marlea's cousin spent a night and day here last week. When she left Marlea and I cried and cried. It was just a touch of how it used to be and then she left. The pain was unbearable for both of us. Trying to understand pain is difficult and yet so simple for a five year old. At the table the other morning Marlea said: "Mommy, how did Kira sound when she talked to her doll?" We both sat in silence looking at our plates trying to remember. Neither of us could and the pain was so intense. Wanting to remember so badly and yet we couldn't. Pray that our minds would be filled with clear simple memories. We passed the three month mark this month.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea and Anna

Fear

2009-05-18T12:02:00.004-04:00

Fear-we all fear something. Some of us fear having an accident, an earthquake, a house-fire, or another natural disaster. Some of us fear people-their opinions, what they might think of us, what they might do to us. A lot of us fear not being good enough for ourselves, or our child or husband not being good enough for someone. Most of us fear change. A lot of mothers fear for their child's safety. Whether the child is an infant, toddler, adolescent, teeneager, etc. For me, my worst fear was that something would happen to my child. I was always more afraid of something happening to Kira-she was so unpredictable. In plain reality-it happened to me in front of my eyes. I can feel the terror realizing she lost her breath, of picking her up and yelling at her, hoping it's just a seizure. I look back and see the events folding out in front of me and yet they were so subtle that many mothers would have missed them. What's worse is even if I would have known, we would have had the same outcome. The thought feels full of fear, scary-what if it would happen again, would I know the second time? I look back again as thoughts roll through my head like a roller coaster. I feel the terror of realizing I need to do something. I feel the terror of yelling at Marlea to get the phone, calling the operator and asking her to help me remember CPR. My heart feels the terror of knowing that it is my child I have to breathe into-something I always hoped I would never have to do. I feel the terror of realizing she is dying infront of my eyes and I am alone. I cry out in terror and fear to God to save my sweet little girl. My heart feels the relief of hearing my neighbors come in - who I was praying would come when they hear the scanner. The fear in my heart is overwhelming by now and I am nearly losing my sanity but I keep helping wanting to touch and help my child. My terror only multiplies as the ambulance comes and whisks her off to the hospital. I run out the door behind them throwing their bags in the back and Merlin hastily kisses me and jumps in the front. I go back into the house and scream in fear. More fear than I have ever known in my life. God, please do something. I can't do this...I cried out to him aloud, screaming, yelling, thrashing.

That was only the start of my fear. Slowly I began to realize that God is here with me. My fear culminated on Tuesday when we made the heart-wrending decision to let her go peacefully... decisions I feared. Fear seemed to consume me as the end came. God calmed my fear with his presence. He let me feel his presence in a real way. When there was nothing left in me - way down at the bottom, God was there. I will never again say there is something I can't do - nothing seems hard anymore. Even my fear of death is gone forever. Suddenly I find myself with nothing to fear. If God cared for me in my worst fear - he will care for me in all my other worries. I still encounter them, but they flee when I remind myself of God's care in my deepest agony. I picture it as a balloon filled with fear and only a little space left for God tied in the knot. What if we could learn to fill the balloon with God and leave the fear tied in the knot. 2 Timothy 1:17 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Funny he puts the sound mind at the end after the words "power" and "love."

Merlin reminded me of Kira's favorite song when she rode in the truck with him-"Everything is going to be alright in Christ." She always joined in for the "in Christ" part. I think of that as I go thru the days. It's so true.

Life goes on for us. Merlin pretty much remains the same. Marlea keeps changing, definitely healing. I see more and more of the real, used to be Marlea coming back. It's wonderful and also helps me feel more normal. Anna is practicing walking and I so much wish Kira would be here to help her. I can just see her taking her hand and walking with her.

Thanks for caring, praying, loving, and understanding us in our pain.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

To Kira

2009-05-11T22:32:00.002-04:00

Kira, today is the day after Mother's Day. I missed you terribly yesterday and yet in some ways I almost felt like you were here with us. What all goes on that we can't see? Who knows, will we never know and when we get to heaven will we care? I remember so well last Mother's Day how you were so excited about taking Anna to church for the first time. I was looking at the pictures we have of last year and you were happily holding your baby sister, so proud. I wish it was last year and everything would be okay. Marlea said today: "I wish we could be a happy family again." But, it's not last year, it's this year. We had a pretty good day. We went to the Make-a-Wish Parade and in the evening some family came over. It was different which was kinda nice. Even so, nothing could take away the hole that you have left. Nobody can fill the void, nothing can replace you. When I was outside planting flowers I felt like stuffing dirt in the hole in my heart. I tried, but it fell through the cracks. When I am folding towels, I think maybe I could stuff a towel in the hole, but alas, water seeps through. I am tempted to fill the hole with food, but I would never fill up. I am tempted to make my life so busy that I don't think about the hole-but it greets me at bedtime in the quiet. I laugh at Anna and Marlea, but they can't replace you. There will never be any other person just like you. I know yesterday you would have come and put your arms around me and so sweetly said: "Mommy, thanks for taking care of me". And that is all, you would have meant it with all your heart. My empty heart tries to feel it-but it's not real because you aren't here to touch, hear, and see. Some days I think I maybe if I wash your dress it would help, but I would hang it up again and you wouldn't wear it, just like before. Even my imagination can't fill the hole that you leave in my heart. So, I turn to Jesus. The Bible says in John 14: Let not your heart have holes, ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions, if it were not so I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself, that where I am, there you may be also. The end of life with holes Kira! Between now and then I promise to only stuff my heart with Jesus. I know you want me to be happy and full of joy, just like you were.

I got Kira's Little Tykes car out of the shed this week for Anna to ride. It still had dirt in the back from Kira. I looked at it-fingered it remembering how she loved the dirt enough to eat it, throw it at Marlea, put it in her hair, make it into a pond. And as a stood there looking at it-Anna starts eating it. Was I surprised? No, I was thinking about trying it myself. It must be good!

Thanks so much for your prayers, cards, etc. especially over Mother's Day. I felt very lifted up by Jesus. Please pray that Merlin and I especially would have patience with our grieving and that we would have patience regarding his health issues. We are thankful that he is able to function fairly normally, although mostly because he forgets how it is to feel good. Pray too for the spiritual battle that has become part of our lives. We want Jesus!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Living with Pain

2009-05-04T22:27:00.002-04:00

Life with pain - I can't get away from it. Pain has become my companion. I have pain-emotional and physical. I watch Merlin experience emotional and physical pain. I watch Marlea in emotional pain. Even little Anna seems to have emotional pain sometimes. Hers comes out by screaming, being attracted to three year olds, and still looking for someone who isn't here. My emotional pain comes in waves a lot of the time. Sometimes it comes from situations, things I find that were Kira's, the extra time that I have from her absence. It is always there, part of my new identity. It feels like my emotional and physical pain have become one. At Kira's graveside I thought I would be okay...I had cried so much and it felt like it was just her body going down. I didn't cry lots but I had physical pain that can only come from a mother losing part of herself. I literally felt like I was burying part of myself, which is what was happening. This child's body that I had birthed, nurtured, and loved greater than myself was going back to the earth. In a way I was awed by God's plan and realized to a greater extent how much we love our children-they are part of us. The body pain has become part of my life forever. It is not something that will go away, because God created me to want to love and nurture her, and I can't. In that I find release in my emotional being because the sting of death is gone through the power of the blood of Jesus. In that my emotional pain will heal. My heart that is sliced open will start to heal. In it's place will be a scar, but with God's help I want it to be a beautiful scar. But, even scars hurt. The tissue around them stays tender and soft. I want that...I give my pain to Jesus moment by moment...only He who has taken the sting of death away will take the sting of my pain away. The pain will never be gone, but it will not feel so bitter. I again embrace it because out of that I will stay real and alive.

In some ways the change of seasons brings so many memories and we live the pain of losing Kira all over again. I can hardly bear to watch Marlea play silently and alone outside. It is so boring! I miss the peals of laughter from mud fights, bike riding, and playing in the playhouse. I miss the little hands helping me plant flowers, bringing me dirt and stones. I miss the little hands that last year snipped off all my daffodils and tulips. Flowers were meant for mommies, not in the flower bed. As I look ahead to Mother's Day I remember last year. Anna was two weeks old and we took her to church for the first time. Now there are only two little girls and we miss the middle one so so much. Please pray that we will continue to reach out and claim God's grace for our lives. Pray also that we will have faith to continue believing God has our best in mind.

Marlea wanted to blow bubbles last week so I went outside to find some for her. I found a gigantic yellow bottle that the Eismeiers (: had given us last year. I was delighted, thinking she will have lots of bubbles to blow. I opened it and was ready to pour some out in another container. Suddenly I realized that it was filled with mud and water instead. I laughed, remembering my little sweetheart and her love for the dirt and water. And also her passion of dumping bubbles instead of blowing them. I guess blowing took too long, dumping is much more efficient. I also cried...missing her.

Words seem pale to thank all of you for still caring enough to read the blog, care for us, and lift us to the throne of the Father.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Free-the way we are made to live

2009-04-26T16:22:00.004-04:00

When God created the world He created us to be free. Free to experience life in perfection. Free to dance, run, and dream. Free to reach out and touch a lion, pet a tiger, chase a bear. Freedom from distractions that now plague us. Utimately to be free from death and sickness.

The woman changed all that with one move, the wrong move. Because of that we experience things like death and sickness. Man's freedom was gone forever. And in it's place is only a longing to be free and wild. Oh to run and never have to return to any care! In that moment, the first woman experienced for the first time something all women strongly dislike: change. We hate it, we go around it, under it, over it, but it always comes back and we hesitantly adjust to it.

Out of that also God comes to our rescue with the atoning death of His Son. Once again man can experience freedom and life everlasting. No change, Jesus is always the same. He always beckons us to come. Doesn't matter how ugly we feel, how righteous we might think we are, how lost we become until we get there. He even goes as far as to blot out our sins forever with his blood, if we believe in Him.

Today in my life I feel this verse: "And you will know the truth, and the truth shall make you free". John 8:38 I always thought this verse meant the Bible - which I know it still does. But, today I realize that I know the truth. The truth is that Kira died. The truth also is that God has cared for me so well and that He is taking care of her in heaven. He is and has been so real to me, He has brought truth to me, He has worked through the people around me, He showed me Himself without me dying. I know the truth...in that I will find freedom. I will not be forever like this, I know the truth...the truth sets me free. I embrace what happened, but I know the truth...Kira was a gift. I even trust God to bless us, I know the truth...He has, is, and will in the future. It might not always be in the way we want it to be. In this I remember the prayer I prayed aloud over and over sobbing by Kira's bedside "God I want her to be happy. She was too joyful and free to suffer. God, if she would be happier in heaven, please take her there. I love her too much to watch her suffer here. But, God if she will be okay and happy here, please heal her". God answered my prayer...

The struggle is great. Satan would have us to not embrace the truth. He does not want us to experience freedom. He tries to make it seem like life will never be joyful again, that we will live with a cloud, that the cloud will follow us wherever we go. He wants us to believe that God will not ever bless us in any way. He wants us to be too scared to trust in a loving and faithful God. But, God always wins because Satan can't offer freedom! His way is full of lies and bondage-not freedom and truth. Please pray that we will continue to know the truth, embrace it, and speak it.

Merlin got his test results back this week. He still has CMV (cytomegalovirus) which is similar to mono. He had it five years ago and apparently it never left, just comes back to haunt him when he gets under stress. That explains the last two months and the last five years to us. The good part is that now that we actually know, we can try to work against it, according to the doctor. Praise God with us for that. Also pray that through his sickness too, we would trust God. Such a simple step and yet can seem so huge to us.

Thanks to all of you who have encouraged us with cards. Marlea especially loves getting cards with her name on. Please continue to pray for her, reality has set in for her as well. She is so lonely for Kira. The warm weather beckons her but it also brings back lots of memories and makes the longing intense. It comes out in lots of ways for a five year old. Pray for us too that we would have wisdom in guiding her. It wrenches our hearts.

Today I think of Kira's thing of declaring me in jail as I referred to in her memory blog two weeks ago. "Mommy is in jail, this WHOLE house jail". Yes, life in the house can be like jail, but there is a beautiful creation awaiting me outside and I am so glad it is spring. I smile when I think of that, she was so crazy sometimes.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Reality staring us in the face

2009-04-19T16:30:00.003-04:00

Reality - the totality of real things and events. Reality is a part of our lives. The gift of shock is leaving and true life is setting in. Reality is my companion all day. Sometimes I meet it around the corner; sometimes it stares at me from an empty car seat. Or the absence of a little girl to put in the grocery cart. Reality lets me sleep, but awakes me in the morning with the feeling of a brick hitting my stomach. As a result, I find myself waking up with clenched fists, a tired heart, and knots wove around my stomach. Today it visited me in the form of hearing a three year old girl spot her daddy in church. She said "There's da-da". I turned around expecting to see Kira but alas, I was met with a dose of reality instead. Reality met me after church as I visited her grave. The stark reality of her lifeless shell, the shell that I loved and cherished, being six feet under-untouchable to my mother hands. Tonight it greeted me as I ate cinnamon rolls that had been in the freezer, the last ones I made while Kira was here. Sometimes it comes in the form as small as a sock that fit her foot. A sock she had wistfully picked out at Bass Outlet last winter with crazy penquins hugging all over it. Sometimes in a tiny clip that kept many fine hairs off her face. I grab it and stick it in my own hair, wanting to take with me something that was her's. Sometimes it comes at me when I hear Marlea say: "Daddy, hold me" - favorite words of the one I miss. Last night reality was my companion as I rocked Anna. Reality met me in memories of rocking Kira to sleep singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" softly at bedtime. Reality to me last week and probably for a while will not be kind to me. Sometimes it comes in the form of the awfulness of seeing my child slipping away in front of me with what you and I would think were flu-like symptoms. It cuts like a knife; doctors say her sickness was inevitable, but the terror is still there, the reality of the experience. I want to run, but if I would it would be there too. I cry, I pray, I trust but reality is still here. And so, I stare at it head-on. I dare it to destroy me, to fill my life with pain forever. I dare it to kill my desire to live. I dare it to make me dwell in the past for the next fifty years. When I am finished daring it, I embrace it because it is real. Because therein I find a peace that only my Heavenly Father can give me. A peace that will help me live out of who He wants me to be and not who I think I should be or what my family should be. A peace that comes from knowing that it will be okay eventually because God can bring beauty out of our ashes and rags. A peace that comes from experiencing His grace in a tangible way. Because of the amounts of grace we have experienced, we are convinced that God's other attributes are awesome as well- mercy, truth, faithfulness, love, peace. They must be flowing in abundance! To claim them as part of our lives means we are not able to live on our own...we need God-we are small and needy.

Merlin's birthday is tomorrow. A another first for us without Kira. Then yet his birthday. Please pray that we will claim God's grace for us - especially tomorrow. The girls usually helped me make the cake and we made a party out of it. Tomorrow it will be only Marlea and I and we will have fun anyway. The last cake we decorated was Kira's and we really enjoyed it! Pray that our daddy will feel God's love for us on his birthday.

A few months ago I asked Kira how she knows I love her. She replied without hesitation: "Because you give me kisses". I had asked Marlea the same question at around the same age and she replied without hesitation: "Because you read me books". Love the children God has entrusted into your care. Give them kisses if that is what they want. Be Jesus to your children...I wish too but He holds mine tonight. Every night I whisper in my tears: "Jesus, please go get Kira and give her kisses for me". I trust Him and so I believe He does.

As always, thanks so much for all the prayers, love, and care we feel in so many ways.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Kira-who she was

2009-04-11T16:41:00.002-04:00

Kira, meaning light/sun was born on February 6, 2006. We were absolutely thrilled to have another little girl. Marlea was so protective and loved her right away. She didn't stay little long at all. By the time she was six weeks old she looked more like three months. It didn't take long until we figured out that she was going to be tall and fairly aggressive. By five months she was sliding out of our laps and onto the floor to roll to where she wanted to go - which was usually Marlea's dollhouse. She would roll all over the floor and was soon sliding and wiggling like a little snake all over the house. Her clothes were dirty from the tip of her chin down to her toes. She filled out lives with joy and sunshine. Her main object in life soon became well known which was going outside. Anytime the door went open she was right there. At eight months old she had mastered going up and down stairs with ease. Once, I couldn't find her anywhere and finally found her upstairs in the inn exploring the hallway. She had somehow pried the unlatched door open and was off to explore. When she started walking she became a nightmare to watch closely. We live right by a state route and outside our door is the parking lot for the inn. I had to constantly be right there otherwise fearing she would get run over. When I mowed yard, her favorite dare was seeing how close she could get to the road til I ran for her. It frightened me terribly and she knew it. Once I found her in the store next door just looking to see what she could find. One morning I went outside and there she was already, playing. After that, we put chains on the doors. Not to keep people out, but to keep the little people in that were supposed to be inside. She was so tall that opening doors, reaching up into drawers, and other things were no problem at all. She loved to push the stroller, not ride in it. Why would you ride when you can drive? In church why would you be quiet when you could be screaming? By the time she was two she had calmed down a lot; she and Marlea were playing together more. Marlea patiently taught her to play doll and dollhouse. They had lots of fights and lots of fun. We learned quickly to keep Kira's fingernails trimmed because they were her weapons. Kira had tons of energy and could easily keep up with Marlea. One of my favorite memories is last summer one night she pushed (ran) the Little Tykes shopping cart up and down the hill again and again, just full of life. When Anna was born, Kira was so helpful. She was always the first to run when Anna cried. She drove us nuts sometimes, but I always said she will be a good mother. She loved to play jail and would say "I put you in jail - whole house jail". Sometimes she would put chairs around me in the kitchen and declare me in jail. Kira was also very soft hearted and sometimes sweetly shy. She was a early riser and would often wake up the other two. She called herself by her daddy's nickname for her "Kiki" up until the last week. Then she proudly said "Kir-da". She was my little helper, often cleaned out the dishwasher for me, helped with wash, tried to mow lawn, helped run the sweeper. She had just started going to Sunday School and was so proud of it. She was becoming a little lady and was so beautiful. We discovered she grew three inches again in the last three months. She was easily headed for over six feet tall. The troubles of life were just starting to bother her. Whenever she heard the sirens she would run to her bed, kneel and pray fervently. She was worried when she got dressed, making sure things matched. She was crazily energized and yet organized. Her birthday cards were very important to her and she took them to bed every night and in the morning she put them in her doll stroller. When I found them they were in order of importance, ours being first. Her hair was brown with reddish highlights and shone red in the sun, living up to her name. She was a very trusting child, never second guessing her daddy. I can still see her looking up at him, drinking in every word he said.

I could go on and on but I won't, this being long already. I hope this gives somewhat of a picture of her three years, enables you to feel our pain, and gives you direction in your prayers for us. The hole we feel is so real, but God's grace is also. The way Kira lived is the way I want to be: do things with my whole heart, full of joy, without distractions, fully trusting my heavenly Father. Ironically, Anna's name means grace and she is definitely living up to it. She has already taken over cleaning out the dishwasher and actually helps! God's grace seems real to us through her.

This week was somewhat easier. We had more energy and Merlin was feeling better. Marlea is getting used to playing by herself and Anna is learning how to irritate her better. Makes more noise, which is nice. Our new normal is slowly forming and we find ourselves hating it and yet it has to come. With it comes reality and the shock is wearing off.

On the humorous side we were in the ER again this week. Tuesday night Marlea got a little ball stuck in her ear and we could not get it out. So in we went again. She thought it was really nice to see where Kira was first and where Daddy had been. She liked all the nurses and the doctor and came home happy, secure, and tired (it was 12:30a.m. by then). We just couldn't believe that we had to go there again! Maybe she needed to see it and God knew we would never take her there? You just have to wonder what He had in mind!

Continue lifting us to the throne...pray that as time goes on we will not tire of being real and again and again claiming God's grace for us. I am thankful tonight for Jesus, his gift of death on the cross means life in heaven for our daughter. I feel His tears falling on me as I bow in sorrow at the foot of the cross.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Jesus through the eyes of a child

2009-04-04T14:51:00.002-04:00

We say we can't see God - that we trust without sight. We talk about the faith of a child, and read in the Bible that our faith should be like that of a child. The Bible talks about children coming to Jesus in absolute trust. The Bible doesn't talk about children dying. Do they just go Home with Jesus when they die? In my mother heart I fear that she is lonely for us, her parents, and for her sisters. When she was here, did she long for Jesus? When she was conceived, born, did I feel like a stranger to her? As an adult, I asked Jesus to come into my heart. Before a child's innocence is gone is Jesus just there, real and touchable? How good it must feel to a child when we treat them as Jesus does. No wonder they get hurt so easily, are so vulnerable, and say things we think are funny. A lot of things that take us hours to process takes them a moment - they are so clear and real to them. Is that because Jesus is a part of them? Can we see God more by listening to them?

Here are some of my experiences from this week:

Wednesday afternoon I was very sad. I cried and cried. Marlea was angry because she didn't have any playmate. I thought maybe doing something normal would be helpful; so I started sewing and Marlea sat beside me threading buttons, playing with playdough, all things her and Kira used to do together.

This is from Marlea's perspective:
Mommy was so sad again, with big tears falling down like raindrops. Her tears keep getting in my hair, I wish she would stop crying. I ask "Mommy, why are you crying?" "Because I am so sad about Kira" she says. I stop a bit and remember last night. Maybe I should tell Mommy about it. "Mommy, last night Kira came down from heaven again and slept with me. Her wings were too big to get into bed so she hung them on the hook where her pj's used to be. She cuddled up beside me like always. Her wings are white and she had a pink robe on again. Mommy, I miss Kira but I am glad Jesus sends her to me at night. Mommy, I had more dreams too." My mommy looks down at me hopefully. Feeling the urge to talk I go on. "A while ago I saw Jesus. He was so full of...Glory! He told me to tell my mommy not to be sad." My mommy stops and stares at me. "He said the Kira is going to come back." Then I get a funny look on my face and say "I think Kira is going to come out of the grave." Maybe if I say something a little funny, she will believe the Jesus part because I know she is supposed to. My mommy cries even more but now she looks happy. Jesus tells me that I need to help my mommy trust Him more and now I feel so happy because I finally gave her that message. Maybe now she will be happy and be able to understand that Kira is just in heaven. That's really not that far away and I would like to go there to play with Kira.

From Mom again:
Here is me, God. Here I was so worried about Marlea and You are taking care of me through her. Again I stand in awe of a God who created this big universe and put us inside. On Friday after a rainstorm, half a rainbow was visible, with our house under the middle of the arch....thanks for that promise, God! A God who is big enough to take care of broken little hearts and broken big hearts. A God who loves and knows us, His children. A God who cries with me and sends me touches of heaven through the people and things around us, especially as was shown this week through loving support.

The physical part of us was much better this week. Thanks so much for all your prayers. God obviously hears those prayers, because Sunday afternoon Merlin started feeling better and has been feeling somewhat better since. We are hoping that through this all maybe he can get to the root of his health problems that have been going on for years. Please pray that until then, he will not have any more episodes like the past one and that he will be able to function. We also continue to pray for his whole healing.

I have had this verse in the girl's bedroom since Marlea was born. "Let the children come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 19:14
Merlin, Marylu, Marlea, and Anna

To love a child

2009-03-28T16:03:00.003-04:00

When a mother gives birth to a child, there is a part of her that is never the same again. One chooses to love, to care for this child that God has given. Love is a dare. Dare to love well and unconditional. Dare to love even when it will hurt. Dare to love even though life is unpredictable. Dare to love when it could be taken away. Dare to love when you have no true idea of how this child will be. Dare to love even when the cute baby stage is over. Dare to promise to love forever! When Kira was born, Merlin held her first and I thought they were never going to get finished talking to each other. I watched in amazement as they bonded. They understood each other after that like only a father and daughter can. This was the second girl for Merlin, and he now was comfortable being a father. Together we loved her, cared for her, and met her needs. She was sweet, innocent, and joyful. Marlea and I sang "You are my Sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray...." She was, she brought us sunshine. Only last week did I realize that her name actually meant a form of the sun. The one thing Merlin and I both keep coming back to time and time again is how we loved her so well. She wasn't an easy child, she was so energetic and lots of times drove our nerves over the edge. But she was Kira, she was ours - we loved her. All this to say this week we were contemplating all this. In the hospital, as I held her and gave her back to Jesus on February 24, I was able to say with all my heart: "God - here is Kira, I give her back to You. Thanks for letting me love her and care for her. You enabled me to love her well. I learned a lot from her in her birth, her life, and now her death. I give now give her back to you, well loved." I think of this so often, and the miracle of having no regrets in loving her. Only this week did it dawn on us that if it is this hard for us to give our child back to God, how hard it must really be for God to have given her to us. I knew when I gave Kira back to Him that He will care for her needs to the utmost. He knew I couldn't be perfect, and yet He gave her to us anyway! I feel so honored to be trusted by a God who is perfect!

This week was extremely hard for us. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Tuesday Merlin was sick and we ended up in the ER at LGH for a couple hours. They gave him fluids, pain med, and oxygen and discharged him, for which we were thankful. We were not into a hospital stay! We spent the next two hours at Merlin's doctor. We were so thankful for his input. He apparently had a blocked stomach. He has been getting better although is still not back to normal. Whatever normal is! It's hard to be okay with one's emotional state when there is physical pain also. His stomach is better but yet he isn't better. This time of the year is always bad for him so it's hard to know what the problem really is. Marlea wasn't feeling the best again and I spent Wednesday on the couch too. Marlea and Anna have been up some at night. I am lacking sleep.

It was really hard for us to be back in at LGH again. The good thing is that one of the nurses that took care or Kira came and talked with me. Thanks so much, Steph! We had not thought much about LGH and our feelings from being there. I was scared to go to LGH again, felt like I was reliving it in some ways and then yet dealing with trying not to be too frightened about Merlin. The terror I felt walking into the ER expecting Kira to not be living anymore and then the hope I felt after I saw her lying there pink came back to me. The dare to hope for life that we felt and then to in the end give her to Jesus for life in heaven was so real and yet so unreal. So confusing and heartwrenching again. It's made me dream the past several nights and wake up full of hope only to realize that it's not true. The valley of denial, grief, anger, shock feels like it started all over again. I say this because I feel weak, worn, and battered. I cry out to Him again and again in anguish, my mother heart full of pain and loneliness for Kira. I am human, with a human mind and I can't see His or know His whole plan for us, for Marlea, for Anna. Again because He has shown me without a doubt that He is God, I choose to trust my heavenly Father who loves me and gave His own Son for me.

We say thanks again this week for your prayers and care for us. It feels like touches of love from Jesus to us. Touches we feel very much. Pray that we will slumber peacefully. Pray for Merlin's physical healing. Pray that we will know how to guide Marlea.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Separation

2009-03-21T14:41:00.002-04:00

We feel separation. We feel it intensely, daily, every minute. We are separated from Kira for the rest of our time here on earth. We will live, grow older, change. She will not change with us. We will never see her as a teenager, young woman, mother, or grandmother. We will always wonder what she looks like in heaven and we will never know until we get there. My arrival could be tomorrow, next year, thirty or fifty years. I don't know. Separation could go on and on for what seems like a long time to us. But, to Kira a thousand years are as one day. My human mind can't fathom that. My mother heart wants to reach out and touch her. I can't - I am on earth and she in heaven. I want to hold her hand, run my hand thru her fine, silky hair. I - can't I am on earth and she in heaven. I want to make her breakfast, put on her shoes and coat. I can't - she doesn't need them. I want to care for her when she is sick, cold, and lonely. I can't - she never is. I want to her to run towards me into my arms and give me a sound smoochy kiss. I can't - she isn't mine anymore. I beg God for another chance, to have the knowledge about HIB and do it over. I can't - she is already gone. Death, final forever to us here on this earth. Death, the only thing that can be this life changing. Death, what steals a normal day and turns it into your worst nightmare. Separation, what death brings. Separation, what people in hell will feel when they look into heaven. Heaven - a place beyond our human minds, where I am going.

The only thing that really matters to me is whether or not people go to heaven.

Last night we were again feeling so sad. Friday night, here comes the weekend and all the fun family time we used to have. Feeling the pains of separation. The longing for her, God and heaven. Crying out for comfort to our Heavenly Father. At night, when everything is dark and still God seems so close to us. I could picture Him holding us just like He held Kira in His arms those days and nights in the hospital. Again, we trust Him blindly to heal our broken hearts.

One verse that I keep thinking of. It's so real to me. "Jesus wept" John 11:35

We feel so cared for and thank you all for that. Your kind words, care, and cards are a picture of Jesus to us.

The Yutzy's
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Pain

2009-03-14T12:44:00.002-04:00

Pain, pain, pain - our lives are full of it. Everywhere I turn, it follows me. I try to run away, but it goes with me; I try to pretend it belongs to someone else, but it doesn't. I try to give it away, but no one wants it. No one except Jesus, He opens His arms wide and I give my pain to Him again - daily, hourly, and moment by moment. I can't feel Him, but I read in my Bible that He is close to the broken hearted - I believe that describes us. Brokenhearted, sliced open with a knife, exposing the core. We want our hearts to be able to experience the pain, to feel, to be real. Through being able to feel pain we trust Jesus to heal us, to bind up our wounds, to make us whole again. We will be the same people, but we will never be the same. I find that every day we need to adjust to a difficult new kind of normal. It will take time and patience.

We feel the gap in ages so strongly in our little family with five years between Marlea and Anna. The gap will always be there, but we will somewhat adjust to it. It struck me recently that Marlea will be 21 when Anna turns 16. Marlea especially will feel the gap the rest of her life with the loss of her playmate and best friend. She doesn't like to play alone or even be alone, since Kira was a soulmate to her. The last six months especially they were together all the time. It is painful to be without Kira as her parent, but it is intensified when we see Marlea alone, lonely, and trying to sort out life. When I cry, she often comes and sits on my lap, rubs my arm, and says: "It's okay Mommy, Kira is with Jesus". God takes care of the children!

We feel your prayers...thanks so much for them! Please continue to intercede for us.

Merlin and Marylu, Marlea, Anna

Memories of Kira's funeral

2009-03-04T15:36:00.002-05:00

This is Wednesday, March 4. It's hard to believe that it is a week ago already that Kira passed on to be with Jesus. We thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for your love, support, and prayers. Why this all had to happen we will never fully understand in our human minds. But, we do know that God is a big God and knows and understands us beyond our comprehension. The call to trust Him even in the darkest hour of our lives still is so real to us. Now that everything is over...I ask Him why and He whispers "Trust Me." I want to run, but He draws me gently back to Himself and I go willingly. I wish I could describe in words how it feels to give a child back to God that was given to you. The joy I felt as I held her in my arms, the joy that came from knowing that I loved this child well, with no regrets. It was a gift I sent along back with her to heaven. The glory of God in that room was too much for my human body, I covered my face in my hands and cried out to God. His glory was so great I wanted to hide like Moses did. In all my wanderings and confusion, one thing that is so real to me that I will never forget and that is that I know that God is real!

For those of you that weren't able to come to the funeral. We are so grateful for the beautiful music before and during the service. Three of our close friends shared their hearts thru song. It was so healing to listen to the words of Jesus thru them. This Little Light of Mine was so special, it's Marlea's favorite and her and Kira couldn't wait til it came on on Oasis latest Cd. My father, John Glick had the Devotional Meditation. Kira was special to him, he had a very calming effect on her life. Jason Smoker shared a message with us that was very touching. He is known as the Smartie Man at church because he gives Smarties to the children after church. He was very important to Kira. Thanks so much Jason, for your words of Life!

Merlin wrote this poem for Kira and shared it at the funeral.

A Tribute to Kira-by her daddy

God sends His love to us
In many ways its shown
Three years ago it was a girl
As Kira she was known

It was not long until we knew
We had a special child
Kira quickly grew and really soon
She was on her feet, running wild

Soon after that she learned quite well
Dad's time was spent across the street
And any chance she had she'd try
To catch up to her daddy's feet

Kira's fingers found a way
To cinch her daddy's heart
And though one tenth his age
As friends like this, how can we part?

Her cherub smile and winsome gaze
Found ways into many a heart
Though she'll not come back, we know
Memories of Kira will not depart

Then stumbling through a maze of confusion
We seek to claim God's healing grace
In life, we'll find enough to go on
In heaven, doubts flee when seeing His face!

So briefly lay down your cares and remember
God's time is not your own, you see
Give loved ones a hug or tender kiss
Doing so will continue the legacy of Kiki

Kira's favorite song was Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. I never understood why it had to be this one. It put her to sleep many a night when she was wound tight. Many nights when she was a baby and up for hours at a time I sang this song over and over to her. If I tried to sing another one she would slap my face. I sang it at her bedside in the hospital and I promised her I would sing it at the funeral. Here are the words for those of you that might not know the song.

Chorus:
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, coming forth to carry me home, swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry me home.

Verse:
I looked over Jordan and what did I see, coming forth to carry me home, a band of angels coming after me, coming forth to carry me home

Swing Low, Sweet Kira-oh, coming forth to carry me home, swing low, sweet Kira-oh, coming forth to carry me home.

Verse:
If you get there before I do, coming forth to carry me home, just tell my friends that I am coming there too, coming forth to carry me home.
Second Chorus
On Tuesday evening I added another chorus that came straight out of my heart because while I was singing it, this is exactly what was happening.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, coming forth to carry her home, swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry her home.

We also read Curious George and the Holidays, one of Kira's favorite stories. One thing always happens in those stories, the man with the yellow hat always comes at the right time, just like Jesus.

She loved Hershey kisses, flowers, and bubbles. Except her bubbles most times ended up on the ground. At the gravesite we threw hershey kisses, daisy's and the kids blew bubbles. It was therapy for Merlin and I to watch the children deal with grief in the kind of way that she would have.

Kira's last Sunday School craft was the picture of hands folded in prayer. In the middle her teacher had pasted sticky notes. She had tried to write her name on it. At the bottom is the verse from Matthew 26:39 "Not as I will, but as Thou wilt."

I say all these things, but one thing remains the same. That is that I know God is real because He gave me a taste of what heaven is like and I am not going to miss it.

Because of Jesus,
Marylu, Merlin, Marlea, and Anna

I will probably post again sometime in the next weeks

Kira's Sickness

2009-02-27T08:36:00.001-05:00

As we grieve the loss of our precious Kira, many questions are being asked regarding the nature of her sickness.She was diagnosed with Haemophilus influenzae type b (Hib), also known as H-Flu.In children under 5, this bacterium can cause bacterial meningitis.

Arrangements

2009-02-25T15:58:00.002-05:00

Kira's viewing will be on Friday, Feb. 27, 2:00-4:00 p.m. and 6:00-8:00 p.m. The funeral will be on Saturday, Feb. 28 at 1:00 p.m. Both will be held at Calvary Monument Bible Church.
Directions to Calvary Monument

Wednesday Morning

2009-02-25T09:04:00.002-05:00

Thank you for surrounding us in prayer yesterday. It was a difficult day for the Yutzys. Words cannot express the pain and agony. And yet, in the midst of it all the presence of Jesus was REAL. For this we are grateful beyond measure!

As soon as we know the details for the funeral we will post on the blog. Please check later today for that.

A fund has been established for Kira. Checks should be written to Mine Road Charities and marked for the Kira fund and mailed to 5091 Woodland Dr, Kinzers, PA 17535.
- Renita for the Yutzys

2009-02-24T21:41:00.000-05:00

Kira Mary Yutzy went to be with Jesus this evening around 9:00.

Update on tests this morning...

2009-02-24T15:56:00.002-05:00

Hello friends and family, kira did have her flow scan done this morning - the final test to assess brain activity. There was no brain activity found. Please pray for Merlin, Mary Lu and the family.

Ana, Arlin, & John for the Yutzys

Apnea test result

2009-02-23T18:19:00.003-05:00

The ICU team just completed the second apnea test for Kira. She was not able to breathe on her own so she is again breathing with the help of the breathing machine. Today has a been a bit back and forth with determining which test is performed and when. God is continually directing Merlin and Mary Lou and caring for them in this. Dr. Bob and the nurses have been so gracious and kind.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of you who are pleading with the Heavenly Father on behalf of Kira, Merlin, & Mary Lou, Marlea, and Anna. We all feel your prayers and ask that you continue to call on the Lord.
- Renita for the Yutzys

Rise Up and Pray!

2009-02-23T15:28:00.002-05:00

We did an apnea test this afternoon. Her lungs were not able to handle it and the test was not completed. We did not have direction on how to proceed. The family and friends present began to pray. Merlin was feeling very confused and stepped out of the room. Directly Dr. Bob came back in and said he was made aware that the test had been performed incorrectly and he wanted to repeat it. The repeat test is scheduled for 4 pm today.

We are calling our brothers and sisters in the Lord to rise up and seek God! If you can't rise up and earnestly seek God's face we urge you to fall down and search your heart before the Lord.

Merlin and Mary Lu

Monday morning

2009-02-23T10:15:00.002-05:00

Good morning to our dear friends and family, we're happy to report that Kira had a better night last night. Her blood pressure has remained stable and she's been able to come off 2 of the medicines for this. Her oxygen levels have also improved significantly. This morning the plan is to do an apnea study to assess brain activity (instead of the flow scan as planned yesterday). Depending on the results of the test today - they will probably repeat the test again tomorrow.

Our hearts are hopeful this morning as we see continued answers to prayer. Please continue to pray that God's will for Kira's life will be clear.

2009-02-22T17:34:00.002-05:00

Just another quick update to our loved ones out there. Kira's heart and lungs have been functioning in a more normal way giving us hope; however, there continues to be no evidence of brain activity. The final tests to confirm no brain activity are scheduled for tomorrow, Monday.

Your prayers for Kira and the family are such a meaningful gift. Please pray for conclusive direction showing God's will for our dear little girl. Thank you.
- Renita & Ana for the Yutzys

Sunday afternoon

2009-02-22T13:47:00.002-05:00

Kira's condition remains about the same. Please join us in praying that God would show the doctors if there is hope for Kira's brain. As before, the doctor has not seen evidence of brain activity since Kira arrived here at Hershey. More extensive testing will be done later today to check for that. Pray for Kira's stablity during this testing.

Last night as we sang with Kira heaven was so close and so beautiful. It's beauty again makes me (Mary Lou) want joy and beauty for Kira. We are still committed to placing our hope in God, the JOY Giver.
- Edith, Renita, & Mary Lou

Sunday Morning

2009-02-22T07:24:00.002-05:00

This morning we thank our wonderful Father for bringing Kira through another night! We are so grateful for this time with our dear little girl. During the past several hours Kira's vitals have fluctuated quite a bit. While her condition remains very serious and unstable, we don't know what this means...God can do anything!

We are still at peace with HIM being in control. Please keep praying for a miracle and that God would be glorified no matter what. Merlin, Mary Lou, Marlea and Anna all feel your prayers in a real way. Thank you!
- Renita for the Yutzys

Saturday evening PEACE

2009-02-21T21:53:00.002-05:00

This evening has been beautiful, restful, emotional, difficult...all at the same time. Mary Lou requested that her friends, Mimy & Wilma, come to sing. They came and they SANG! Brothers and sisters, it was heavenly. Jesus is in Kira's room!

Kira has been moved to a more private room. Mom Mary Lou held Kira in her arms for awhile during the singing. Right now Daddy Merlin is holding little Kira. Daddy is sleeping. It looks so natural. Merlin always has been the best at putting Kira to sleep.

The lab reports show that Kira had a serious bacterial infection that her body could not handle. Kira's condition remains basically the same. Keep praying for peace for Merlin and Mary Lou and all of us.
- Renita for the Yutzys

a visit

2009-02-21T21:20:00.003-05:00

Kiki it was good to see you tonight. you lay so still - surrounded by things you love, daddy's shirt, suzy, your blanket, mom and dad, your grandparents, and your sunday school teacher. Daddy said he won't leave your side - till your heart is still.
i love you bunches.

2009-02-21T16:16:00.002-05:00

Several minutes ago Kira's heart began to beat in an abnormal way (v-tach). Although this means that Kira's heart cannot sustain this rhythm for prolonged time, her parents and family remain committed to placing this process in a God's hands who would receive her with joy into His very arms in heaven, or may choose to miraculously allow her continued meaningful life here. Please continue to pray for Kira and her family as they continue this journey. Tim, Renita, and Ana for the Yutzys

Saturday afternoon update

2009-02-21T14:54:00.002-05:00

We just spent time with Kira's ICU doc again. He did more extensive nerve testing this morning and hasn't really found that much has changed regarding brain activity, which means there continues to be no evidence of brain activity. Also Kira's heart and lungs continue to show signs of weakness.

Merlin and Mary Lou have asked that Kira's treatment remains the same for now. We're standing by them in this and ask that you, our brothers and sisters continue to pray...for a miracle and that God's will be done and He be glorified. Pray that Merlin and Mary Lou would continue to hear the voice of Jesus clearly and experience His presence in very real ways.

Marlea (5 years old) has been so sweet and needs our prayers too. She spent some time here at the hospital yesterday and again today. Currently she's with her little sister, Kira, in the ICU. Marlea needs Jesus' special care too. Pray that Kira's baby sister, Anna (10 mos.) would feel loved and secure as she's not able to have as much mommy-time right now. She's been doing quite well.

Again, thank you for caring! Thank you to those of you who are caring for our children, bringing yummy food, and more. We love you all.
- Renita for the Yutzys

2009-02-21T12:37:00.002-05:00

It's mom again. I feel peace that only God can describe. I felt like when Merlin and I came together this morning, that God came to Kira and is holding her in his arms. I was in a great hurry to get here and I felt like God was coming with me. I feel a real comfort in knowing I can't hold her but God can. More then life, I love this child so much; she has brought life to me, happiness beyond measure and that is what I want for. I want happiness for her whether it is here or there with God. She is such a happy child and I want that sooooooo much. I trust God and His everlasting arms, for He and Kira to decide together what is best for her. This is really hard for Daddy so pray pray for life! Her stats are not as good this morning and seem to be going down. She looks very very peaceful. There is one word to describe this child. Some are pretty, some are cute, but we always said she is neither. She is beautiful! We rest in Jesus, the giver of LIFE!!!!

Saturday Morning Update

2009-02-21T08:02:00.002-05:00

Good morning to all of our friends and family. Praise God we’ve made it through another night! Kira’s condition remained unchanged throughout the night. Her oxygen levels have improved a bit and her blood pressure remained stable. Dr. Bob did a quick exam last night around 11 after Kira’s body temperature had come back up to normal. He reported several things:
• there was still no brain activity noted on physical exam
• blood pressure and oxygen levels remain a concern
• from a medical standpoint the prognosis is poor

We continue to believe that God is Sovereign and worthy of our trust and we continue to hope in His unfailing love and mercy. He is still in full control! Thanks so much to all of you for your faithful support and prayer!
- Ana & Renita for the Yutzys

2009-02-20T16:51:00.000-05:00

Hi this is mom, I was just back there and the doc doesnt' understand what is going on, ordered some more stuff. Her blood pressure is coming up a bit...I dare to hope. Hope with me, pray with me!

2009-02-20T13:56:00.000-05:00

To our wonderful friends and family. Thank you for your prayers and support. Our doctor here at Hershey just talked with us again about Kira's condition. I will try to share several things.

Kira had flu-like symptoms for the past several days. On Thursday morning around 10:00 she suddenly stopped breathing. Mary Lou administered CPR and called 911. Kira was taken to LGH and then flown to Hershey Medical Center.

We still don't know the cause of Kira's illness. However, the lab is now saying there is a bacteria showing up in her bloodstream culture. It will take 24-48 hours to determine exactly what it is.

At this point Kira's brain is the biggest concern. There is no improvement since her arrival here at Hershey, which means there is and has been no evidence of brain activity. They've been attempting to stabilize her blood pressure and have her body temperature cooled down. Her lungs have "gone down hill" over the past 12 hours and her oxygen levels are dangerously low. The ICU team is currently warming Kira. This will help them to access her brain function with more certainty.

Merlin and Mary Lou has a strong sense of hope for Kira today. Whether that means Kira experiencing healing with Jesus in heaven or Kira being healed here on earth, God knows. But God calls us to hope. Taking the words from the doctor, to have Kira's condition improve would be a "miracle of miraculous proportions!"

Brothers and sisters, PRAY!!!! Pray for a miracle for Kira, pray for Merlin and Mary Lou. Pray for Marlea as she is coming soon to see her sister.

We will try to continue updating. Please share this blogspot with all friends and family of the Yutzys. And thank you again for your love and support.
- Renita for Merlin & Mary Lou Yutzy

Mother Heart

2009-02-20T13:25:00.000-05:00

Freeze, Time, Freeze
as i press this child
against my chest

Hold, Moment, Hold
as i gave into these
sparkling eyes

Stop, Clock, Stop
while i wash these
grimy hands and
wipe this messy smile

Reach, Heart, Reach
this time and these
moments pass quickly by

Come, God, Come
as i embrace Love
live and die

-Evelyn Weaver

^ This poem was setting by the Yutzy's kitchen sink.

photos

2009-02-20T10:12:00.001-05:00

view photos of kira here.

we love you Kira.

2009-02-20T09:31:00.000-05:00