Rest

Rest-is there anything like it on earth for us to experience now? I ponder things; I try to figure out the days ahead, and my mind wanders. That is not rest. I work all day, and when I sit down I think about what I could be doing...that is not rest. I go to a party with my children and husband, and run after children all evening (I wish to have to run more!). That is not rest. On Sunday, I think I will rest. Instead, I care for my family. Although I love it - it is not rest. My heart wants to rest, my mind wants to rest, and my body wants to rest. Rest, is there rest anywhere? Does a mother ever really rest with both eyes shut and her brain turned off? More than that, can my heart rest? Can I be so okay with disappointment, pain, and reality that I feel rest? Can I in my simple humanness effectively turn my struggles over to Jesus and just rest in Him? My desire to fight is gone. My desire to be me and who I want or think I should be is gone. My desire to control my circumstances is gone. What's the point anyway? It is so much easier to rest in Jesus. Rest brings peace, no struggle, less stress, and a joyful attitude toward life. Rest is way at the bottom of the struggle; it's a giving up of my will. In it's place comes a filling of God like I have never experienced before. I feel no need to get upset with the trivial things of life. I feel in its place a passion to live for God - a passion to encourage those around me - a passion to keep my eyes set on Heaven. I feel more mercy from God than I ever did before. Endless mercy! It makes rest even more peaceful. The ultimate rest is Heaven. But I am amazed at the rest Jesus has to offer me here on this earth. It is just a taste of Heaven! "Come to Me all who labor and are heavy laden AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gently and lowly in heart, AND YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" Matthew 11:28-30

A few months ago Marlea and Kira were playing doll and dress up. They both had/have imaginary husbands. They both came to me with longing looks on their faces. The words that came out of their mouths astounded me. "We want husbands. You have daddy, but we don't have husbands". I could hardly keep a straight face. I said something about praying for one for when they are older. I keep that memory and tuck it in my heart. Remembering that Kira's wish came true and she is being loved perfectly by her heavenly Father.

Merlin continues to struggle physically and all of us emotionally. Pray that we would have a clear picture of what God wants in our healing process. We thank God for the healing we have experienced both physically and emotionally. We continue to thank you all for holding us up. We have never felt forgotten in our current journey...it's almost six months.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Disappointment

Disappointments-we face them every day. Today I feel disappointed. I am disappointed that life isn't turning out like I thought it was going too. I feel disappointment in my heart from not being able to understand God's whole picture from the beginning of my life. If He would let me see it, then I would know and wouldn't be disappointed because I would know what to do when. Instead, I am dealing with disappointment. My heart feels uncertain of what to feel when because it has disappointment in it. I find myself wary of trusting God. I find myself wondering why God gave us choices in life. I can choose to trust-I can choose to feel disappointment. Why do I think it has to be my way...why do I think this is God's plan B for our lives? What if this is God's plan A? Am I going to be okay with that or am I going to feel disappointment in God for the rest of my life because I think this is plan B? I want what I thought was plan A. I am disappointed that we now have to live in plan B; or I can choose to believe that God is sovereign? If I choose that avenue, I feel peace, trust, and life is okay. To believe that God is sovereign creates a strong thread that winds me tightly in my Father's embrace. I picture me there-not because I have to, but because I want to. Choices He left up to us. I feel broken there - yet loved. I feel tears because with that embrace I choose to believe that God knows what is best for me. My disappointment is replaced with an amazing sense of trust, security, and loyalty for my heavenly Father.

Last summer the girls had this hang up on getting mad at people who came close to our porch. For those of you who don't know us, we live at a bed and breakfast and our front patio goes right out onto the parking lot for our guests. One morning last summer Kira was out there with me and along came one of our guests. Kira, without batting an eye said "Hey old man!" I could have died of embarrassment. I appreciate this guest and his family very much and felt terrible that my two-year-old daughter would talk like that. I still don't know from where those words came. The worst part of that statement is with the consideration that children usually repeat words from their parents; so one could assume that is how we talk when no one is around. That of course not being true, but how could we prove that when our two-year-old pops off a statement of such disgrace? Fortunately for me, my guest was very gracious and understanding! Any amount of graciousness couldn't take away my embarrassment!

The past week has been fairly stressful for us again. As a result, we are feeling weak. Merlin is not doing very well tonight and I feel disappointed that the doing better is not holding out like I would like for it to do. Please pray that we would be able to melt our will to His. Please pray that Marlea would feel the security and love of Jesus.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Love of God

One evening when I was filled with pain, I opened my devotional and found these words from Ephesians 3:17-20: "I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." I want this. I want to know, experience, and to have Christ at home in my heart. I want roots - deep, long, unmovable ones. I want to understand - and yet the Bible says I never will fully. I want the power, the boldness, the energy that goes with it. I want God to be glorified.

As I repeatedly read this passage I cried and cried. I don't understand the things God has allowed into our lives. But neither do I understand the love God has for me, as His child. And His love is so much greater then anything else I know. The small taste I have and know about is that if I really can grasp that God loves me like this, anything that happens in life will be okay, because with love God has my best in mind. But I am human and so little compared to God. So therefore, I will never quite get it? And yet I read - then I will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. I chose again to love, to believe, to trust.

At the mountains this past weekend I was reminded of Kira so much. One picture in my mind that I have of her is - she was out in the lawn, a huge lawn following her daddy who was playing a game. Nothing else mattered except trotting after him. So what that there were other children and things to play with. It was daddy she wanted to be with so it didn't matter how long or hard she had to walk. On the flip side I think of this and it reminds me vividly of the loss of this picture for Merlin and I. But I enjoy the memory. It is embedded in my mind, and it reminds me of what I want to be like with my heavenly Father....

Thanks so much for praying for us again this past weekend. I can say it was probably one of the most draining emotional times for numerous reasons, and yet I so strongly felt the love of God, and His grace. We could feel your prayers, we could feel God. Marlea didn't seem to think it was a big deal because Kira was there anyway. Sometime we will understand more and I know we will be surprised.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Talking

Talking is an amazing act of the brain, vocal cords, tongue, and mouth. It's what we use to communicate our heart, our feelings. By using this tool we convey to other people who we are. We base our opinions of people a lot by what they say. We use quotes from people who died many years ago. Sometimes we are not sure what to say, and the wrong words come out at the wrong time. We want other people to share their feelings but we might have to ask a simple question first. That simple question is the bridge, a bridge into people's hearts. Picture with me an old concrete bridge-the kind with big round holes in the bottom for boats to pass through. There is a break in this bridge. Across the gap there is a skinny two by four. Caring questions are that bridge. They open the way to meaningful conversation, heart feelings, intense struggle. They might be what that person needs to feel God right at that minute. A person can be intensely lonely but a question can change it all around in minutes. A person might be hurting but a question can bring that person out of despair and straight to Jesus. One might be thinking nobody cares, but your kind question is an act of "a little of Christ" to him or her. We are generally scared of talking, especially in anything involving intense pain. We are scared to ask that simple question. On the other hand, if asked that question - some of us are afraid to be honest. Bridging the gap is so intense because Satan loves to make us feel alone, lost, and in despair. Martyr style is great for him. Jesus wants us to bridge that gap; He calls us to be caring, gently guides us to ask questions, and gives us the strength to relay our feelings to others so they know how to care for us. Talking also connects happenings in our lives. Situations change us - to talk bridges that gap and connects us to the person we are talking with. It connects us because we feel care, love, and concern for each other when we talk.

Today two people stand out in my mind when I think about talking. Both of these people wouldn't have had to ask me any questions, they wouldn't have had to share personal experiences with me. But they did, they braved it and looked me in the eye. They cared enough to take the time to encourage me. They were "a little of Christ" to me. The one person I met briefly maybe twice. The other I had never met before. In turn, I listened intently to their words, their story. I cared about their pain in ways that I wouldn't have before. If only I could have been like this without being in such intense pain myself. Jesus did it-I want to do it to. Matthew 5:15 reads "Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light unto all that are in the house."

Kira was just turning into a little lady. She was leaving the two year old world and entering the world of a three year old. Linda, my sister-in-law shared a memory with me this weekend of the last time she had been with Kira. When we arrived for Christmas, Kira came up shyly beside her and said: "Hi". So sweet, so her. I can feel her beside me now saying: "thanks for supper, mom". I guess God makes the little ones who are more high maintenance sweet so the good outweighs the bad. They are heart melters.

Thanks to all of you who bridge the gap bravely in our lives. You are daring to walk onto that narrow path holding us by the hand. You have encouraged us gently to talk - to share our feelings and intense struggles. We will never be able to repay you but you have drawn us to Jesus. Thanks especially for praying for us last weekend. The hole Kira left is huge and it hurt so much to go on vacation and have a good time without her. But again, talking with our family helped so much!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Coincidence

We say it all the time-coincidence. We believe it as we hear a crazy story. We act as if it were coincidence when we tell something that happened. We walk down the road and just happen to see a friend. We call someone and they were going to call me-it just happened..? We read a book and it just happens to meet a need. We open our Bible to read and find just the right verse. Do things just happen? Is there anything like coincidence? The last four months I have been thinking a lot about the whole ordeal and since then. The many things that have happened were so right. When I called 911 - I believe God arranged which operator would answer. She responded with exactly what I needed; she has touched me in ways I didn't expect. In a matter of three minutes my neighbor was charging in the house - I didn't even know him then. He came complete with an EMT license and a bag of medical emergency stuff. In seven minutes the ambulance was here and Kira was in the ambulance. It wasn't coincidence...this is amazing...this is God. This was so fast for everything to happen! I know all this because the emergency operator was timing it. In fifteen minutes Kira was at the hospital. At Hershey she didn't just happen to have the right nurses. They were all so gentle and caring. I firmly believe we had the perfect nurse for each day we were there. Coincidence - no...God! The doctor she had was exactly the right one-the more he learned about her, the more he loved her. He sorrowed and wept right with us. God knew we needed him - it was no coincidence. Since then I could recall countless times when I received cards with exactly the right verses and words from people who care. I could tell of numerous times when my devotional in the evening was exactly what I had been thinking all day. The one night after writing a blog and using a verse, that same verse was in my devotional. Coincidence - no...God! God is so much bigger then we think He is. It is so beyond our comprehension how insignificant we are, how God can be everywhere at one time, and how much He cares for us. These things I mentioned here are from God. I don't believe in coincidence anymore. There have been too many. I firmly believe that God is the controller of this universe and every little detail that happens in it. Yes - bad things happen. Bad things happened to me - but look how God cared for us in spite of it all. I can't get around it-I honor the God of heaven and earth!

In the morning when I am doing breakfast for my guests I miss Kira so much. She often woke earlier than the other two. If I was finished making breakfast I would hold her on the rocking chair and rock and cuddle her. I would sit there as long as she wanted. It was her "momma time". Last week I was thinking so much about it and missing her. What do you know, that morning Anna woke early and has been every morning since. Coincidence - no...God! No, she won't replace Kira but it was a touch of heaven to me. I miss those momma times with Kira...Jesus, please hold Kira for me. Oh, the pain that goes with trusting that Jesus knows how to care for her is beyond words.

Merlin's bad days are definitely getting fewer. Praise God with us for that! Thanks so much for caring and praying. The next two weeks look trying to us, since both our families will be spending time together; and so, our first family vacations without Kira. Please pray that we would feel God's grace in real ways. In some ways it looks impossible....

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Wanted: a Map

Today is my birthday. On my birthday I like to plan a little about the next year. What will I do, who will I become, what would I like to change to become a better person? Today, July 13, 2009 I wish for a map. A map that would tell me where to go in life, with all my feelings and thoughts. A map that would give me some kind of direction of how all my sorrow and pain will become redeemed and beautiful at the foot of the cross. A map to tell me how to let it be redeemed-how to let it become beautiful. A map to direct if I should go east, west, north, or south. Right now I feel like I am being pulled in all directions. They are interpreted by denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and the most encompassing one: acceptance. The acceptance one is a pull that feels like all directions at once. Also the most confusing - because I will never be okay with what happened to Kira. My acceptance has to do with being redeemed by Jesus. I wish this map would also tell me who I will become after this fight. How do I know what to feel if I can't see the end result? I have no idea who I will become, or who I am even trying to become because I am not trying to become anyone and yet I am changing. But really what has changed is the direction I am going...my goal is heaven more then ever before. There is a map to heaven - it is the written word of God. That can be frustrating because I have trouble absorbing what I read. So that brings me back to the beginning: I wish for a map. But alas, there is none to tell me exactly where to go, what to feel. It is uncharted territory. I have never been here before. I have no experience. No one else does either because every situation is different. Sure - advice and insight help tremendously but really in the end it is us, Kira, and what happened. And the power I tend to forget about, the one who will guide me if I just let Him, the one who waits until I ask for direction: Jesus. I have been thinking about this for weeks already and already God brought a major happening into my life that was far beyond anything I imagined would ever happen. The healing I experienced from the happening was amazing and real. From this experience I can trust more easily that God is in control. But it takes a tremendous amount of trust and being okay with the "lost" feeling.

Last year on my birthday we went to Chili's restaurant. We took the girls along. We had a great time, only I never got to eat my food. I had to bring it home and eat it later. We were so busy keeping the three girls happy I didn't even mind eating it later. If I remember right the keeping happy became a joke: Marlea fussing, Kira's tummy hurt, and Anna was crying. I wished for it tonight. We were only four tonight and each of us was quite well behaved in comparison. The fifth person would maybe have been acting like a little lady, too? It was almost like I could reach out and feel her presence. And yet if I tried it was unattainable, just beyond my reach. The hole.....

Pray that we will continue to trust our heavenly Father, and that we will feel His deep love for us. Pray that we would see glimpses of His Map as a touch of His reassurance that He does indeed love us.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Disconnected

Disconnected-that's how I feel. Over four months later I find myself wondering "Did this really happen to me, am I sure it happened, is it just a bad dream?" I look outside and see someone walking past on the road or next door-maybe it happened to them and not me. I see someone at the store-maybe that was their child I heard about. I meet a car on the road-maybe it is them with an empty car seat. I have trouble remembering who I am. I have trouble remembering what the pain is that I am feeling so strongly. I get mixed up and upset about strange things that have no significance in comparison to the real pain that I feel. I have trouble identifying the issue when my children are upset...after all - what really are they feeling? How am I to know when their little minds don't understand everything. So I falter, guess, and guess again. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am way off. Usually they are just like me: confused, searching, and hurting. Sometimes I need to be reminded that it is summer and not fall or winter. How would I know when I can hardly recognize beauty? I look at a picture of the five of us and wonder who those people were. I wish with all my heart to feel the middle child on that picture and know her now, today. In that I remember the pain, reality, the happenings of the last months. Today I remembered it by reading the blog from Feb. 24th. Tears came, I couldn't deny that it's not true. It sounded too familiar. I am the mother, we are the family, it is our child/sister. She is gone, my worst nightmare became reality. I am not the same, and I never will be. I am confused, hurting, wounded and it's okay. Someday there will be no more pain, sickness, death, sorrow, or crying. I will live today with life in perspective of heaven because there is no other way to live. I will live today knowing that God has me in the palm of His hand because there is no other way I can survive. I will live today because I am blessed to have two little girls yet to care for and a husband who loves me.

As I lay in bed tonight putting Marlea to sleep I was reminded of Kira. She was sometimes scary to lay beside. Not so much the last six months as before that. If she was mad at you for some reason, you needed to watch out. She had strong legs and very good aim. Somehow, she always managed to get me in the stomach with a good sound kick. If it wasn't the stomach it was my face. The aim was impeccable and produced some kind of fulfillment for her. Her mother - on the other hand - was not at all amused.

Everyone's encouragement to us is very uplifting. We continue to thank you all for it. It is so nice to read back over all these encouraging notes when I need an extra lift. Words can not express my gratitude. Merlin is still doing okay. He took another blood test and the infection antibody levels remain about the same. That was a bit discouraging, it would be nice to see improvement. Pray that we will not be discouraged!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna