In Retrospect on Christmas

My mind reflects back on the past two weeks; we had our little family Christmas two weeks ago. It was intensely painful for all of us. We tried to pretend that gifts could erase the pain...but they couldn't. It was still there and someone was still missing. We were in Ohio with Merlin's family Wednesday until Sunday. On Thursday night Marlea started with the flu bug. I was up most of the night taking care of her and Anna (who couldn't sleep). Christmas day I spent taking care of Marlea who was still suffering from the effects the flu brings. I have to admit - I was angry. Angry at God. Doesn't He realize that I have had enough? Doesn't He get it that I would like to enjoy Christmas to some extent? I had numerous apprehensions about Christmas and what it will be like. They were all dashed and I was alone with Marlea holding the bucket. I tried to sleep but alas, every time I shut my eyes my brain rewarded me with flashbacks and more haunted memories. Fear threatened to overwhelm me again as I tried to make myself believe that this is only the flu and she will be okay. Those thoughts were not helped by Marlea - she was sure she had never felt so bad and thought I should take her to the hospital. She too was having flashbacks and haunted memories in her own way. She was better in the evening and I spent some time with Merlin's extended family.

My mind wanders more - what was the purpose in these events? Why did it have to be on Christmas day Marlea was sick? Does my Father in heaven really know me so well that he thought I wouldn't be able to handle celebrating Christmas, so He made it impossible for me to even remotely feel like I am? I realized on hind sight that it was oddly nice. I spent the day feeling like a zombie walking around on a strange planet. If it was really Christmas...I was fooled. It was the strangest one I have ever experienced. In the end it was an easy way out of trying to act joyful on Christmas day. Instead I felt disconnected from any sort of celebration and even gift giving. So in retrospect maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time. I am reminded again that God is mysterious and I will never understand Him well at all until heaven. I am also reminded that my trust in God can be very shallow; life is not predictable; and the flu is mostly not particular about whom it chooses to infect.

Last year for New Year's Day, Merlin's family was together at a cabin. It was a wonderful cabin with lots of space for little people to get rid of energy. The little girls were greatly entertained by running across the pine floors and sliding. Kira thought it was really fun, especially because she had put lots of miles on her footed pajamas and the feet were fairly smooth. She was so good that weekend. She was in the process of coming out of the twos and becoming more of a little girl.

Thanks for all the cards etcetera we received over Christmas, and most of all the many prayers for us. We appreciate it so much! Soon it will be a year ago that we had Kira for our own.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

The Father's Hands

My Father's hands are nail-scarred from hanging on the cross. His cross was in the middle between thieves. The thieves...one repented and one didn't. They had choices...to accept or deny. Will I accept or deny my thief? How do I accept grief and allow myself to experience redemption. This process is uncharted because it is different for everyone. Jesus accepted the thief at heaven's gate and he entered into never-ending joy. Can my grief experience never-ending joy when it is redeemed? Tonight Kira is holding onto those nail scarred hands - redeemed. Here I am floundering around in unredeemed grief...unable to give it all to my Father even though I know in my heart that is where I find redemption. Redemption because of nail scarred hands. I give it...I take it back...I give it...I take it back. The best part of all is that I know my Father. My Father is patient, understanding of grief and it's process, and as much as I hate it - He is holding my little girl on Christmas. Tonight I picture Kira with her head on those nail-scarred hands. The same head that last year was on her earthly father's hands.

I was looking at this picture again today and thought the rest of you might enjoy it too. I don't know what inspired her to do this more then her genuine love for her daddy.

We all miss Kira so much these days. Marlea wanted to buy her a present and bury it on top of her casket, so it could be closer to Kira. That broke my heart. It's extremely difficult for me to have serious conversations with Marlea about Kira right now because of the pain associated with Christmas. Please pray that I would be able to remain open about my feelings with her. It would be so much easier right now to shut down but that has damaging results for all of us.

Merry Christmas! Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Christmas Thief

I am always aware of a thief I have. It's with me all the time these days. It constantly reminds me that Christmas for us this year brings pain. It steals my joy of buying gifts - I wish to buy gifts for one more person. It steals my joy of making cookies - I wish I had one more person helping me. It steals my joy of planning a surprise for Daddy - I wish I had one more person planning it with me. I even feel it stealing my longing to go to Ken's Joys (a store with hundreds of things that make little people happy.) I love to go there and buy simple things that bring big smiles and hours of entertainment. It comes beside me and mars the joy that comes from children planning surprises for each other. It takes over and wipes me out. I give up and give in to it again. My thief is grief. I am learning that this thief and the joy of Christmas are on opposite ends of the spectrum of my feeling. To experience them both at the same time feels very confusing. But really, Christmas isn't about giving presents and family time - although they are good things. Christmas is about Jesus - His ultimate gift of His very own Son to be my Saviour. The Saviour who died for me - the Saviour who can take control of my Christmas thief if I let Him.

Last year after I was at Ken's Joys, Merlin took the girls into another room separately and let them help wrap the presents they were giving to their sisters. It was quite the ordeal and I observed with amusement the one that wasn't wrapping and trying to see and hear underneath the door. I can still see Kira there - her ear as close to the opening between the door and the rug as possible, just hoping to get an idea of what Marlea and Daddy were wrapping inside.

My writing portrays my pain. All of us feel it. Marlea was talking about it tonight also, so I know she is thinking about it too. The struggle to stay present and be real is so difficult these days. Pray that we would exercise the grace and courage to embrace the reality we're experiencing.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Haunted Memories

Memories are unavoidable. They are a part of my life - a part of who I am - a part of who I am becoming. Memories are etched in my mind, even in my body, and also in my heart. They won't leave; no matter if they are good or bad. Some of my memories seem to haunt me. I would like to erase them, to pretend they never happened, push them out to drown in the sea. They seem to chase me sometimes, reminding me that I will never be the same; and that is true. Circumstances that mimic the last hours of Kira's life in our home seem to make me freeze. This past weekend, Anna had her first experience with the flu. Merlin was gone for the weekend, so I was alone with my fears and memories. As I lay beside Anna in bed, the darkness and memories overwhelmed me. Hours before Kira took her last breath, I had laid beside her in bed also. I thought she would be there beside me the next day too, but she wasn't. I was at her bedside at Hershey Medical Center. I looked over at sweet little Anna and wondered - will she be here tomorrow? My mind raced, flooded with memories I wish weren't there. They are not nice ones; ones a mother isn't supposed to have. The darkness threatened to crush me...I cried out to God in despair. I felt my hands clinging to the foot of the cross as Jesus reminded me that yes, these burdens, these haunted memories - I died for them also. They are not too big for Me - My grace is sufficient for you. I went to sleep, my arms still around the cross. The memories aren't gone - they will never leave me. But, God again used the situation to help me face the pain entrenched alongside the memories. A few days ago I heard Marlea singing "My Jesus has broad shoulders, his breath is stronger than mine." The song is actually worded "His back is stronger than mine." I doubled over laughing at that thought because her breath is strong sometimes, and the thought of Jesus' breath being stronger than hers was too much! Later I thought of it again and it also suddenly made sense; yes, Jesus' breath is stronger than mine. He could run many miles and still wouldn't be out of breath.

Kira was a Hershey kiss lover. In our back stairway we keep the cleaning cart for the inn. Kira would sneak up there and eat hershey kisses from the cart. The only mistake she made was in leaving a trail of wrappers around the cart and down the steps. And of course, a chocolate ring around her mouth. A wrapper is still there...no one wants to move it. How I wish I could find her up there again. Sometimes I eat one, just trying to be like her.

The days seem long right now and I find myself not caring whether or not Christmas comes this year. It seems horrid to celebrate. I also dread the thought of memories being a year old soon; it seems if Christmas comes, soon the anniversary of Kira's death will also be here quickly.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Outlets of Pain

Kira had two little friends at church. Janessa is three months older and Abbi is three weeks older. At Kira's graveside, Abbi came and sat on my lap. We sat silently on that cold February day. There were no words necessary. Together we threw Hershey kisses and daisies into the open grave. My tears ran as I held her, my heart crying out for my own three year old. The next day at church she was waiting with hugs for me. For months after that she was waiting every Sunday with a hug and would often sit on my lap for a while after church. Some Sundays she would have hugs for Merlin too. Nobody told her to do it, she just knew instinctively. She knew because she needed me too. She was also missing Kira, and I reminded her of Kira. My heart would often break inside - I wanted to hold her, take her home, and make her my own. But I couldn't, since she wasn't mine to keep. In July, she and her family left to be missionaries in Liberia. Her only request for me was that I sing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" at their farewell. I granted her request by sheer determination. I knew I was going to miss her dreadfully and it felt like another parting. As the weeks wore on after she left I realized that she was an outlet for my pain. Her hugs, her sweetness, just the feel of holding her was so much like Kira. Abbi is also Kira's second cousin so in some ways she did feel like her. She forced me to stay honest with my feelings. To stay alive, in touch, and to not deny them. But she did something more; she became my friend. I finally decided to try making another friend. I knew Janessa had a really difficult time after Kira died so I decided to try to become her friend. It didn't take long; now she sits with me for a little while almost every Sunday in church. She loves one toy I have in my purse. It is silly putty - Kira's very own special one. When we went to El Salvador, I let her keep it for me until I got back. I haven't figured out yet if she likes the silly putty, likes the excuse to come sit with me, or likes the silly putty because it gives her a connection to memories of Kira. Either way doesn't matter; what matters to me is that I have a friend that is Kira's age. When she is finished sitting on my lap, my heart cries out in pain. For a few minutes my pain was somewhat quieted with her presence. She reminds me of Kira, and helps me to be honest with myself and the feelings in my heart. In some ways, she is a bridge to my feelings. The energy I use in our relationship is an outlet of the pain inside of me. I thank God for Janessa and for Abbi even though Abbi is far away. I hope to be friends with them for the rest of my life.

In the last several months of Kira's life, each night she would pray a simple prayer. "God bless my teacher(Sunday School), God bless Janessa, and Trevor." Then her voice would trail off sleepily. I can still hear her say those words in my head. I often think of it as I lie in the girls' bed saying prayers. How I wish I could still hear it! I can't help but wonder who else she would have added to her list by now.

Thanksgiving was okay. Thanks so much to all of you who prayed for us especially on Thursday. I felt that lifted up feeling that comes from lots of intercession. Today I was moving pictures around and putting out our manger scene. I wished this to be last year. Instead it was this year and Kira is only in my memory. Marlea and Anna had lots of fun helping me and I tried to be brave and happy for their sakes. I feel time getting close to a year since she left us and I want to freeze. Pray that I would be able to sort out my feelings correctly and remain reliant on God. Some days I am very fatigued and it's hard for me to deal with life when I am tired.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Grief

Grief - it's not something we like to deal with naturally. Grief - it's not something that can really be described or shared adequately. It's more just present and stubbornly stays. I have learned to appreciate grief. Grief has become part of my life; almost as much as eating. It causes awkward moments, frustration for loss of words, and inappropriate tears. I can sit somewhere and have lots of tears, not at all because of what I am seeing or hearing. If someone doesn't know me and is sitting beside me, at that moment my expressions can seem really strange to you. I have concluded that entering another person's grief doesn't take words. A few weeks ago in El Salvador I met a friend I hadn't seen for ten years. My friend speaks Spanish and my Spanish vocabulary is limited, so communicating is not clear. Being understood requires a lot of gestures, signs, and wonders. She was telling me about her family just when her little three-year-old girl ran by. Her daughter is full of life, looks "sparky," and has lots of energy. As she dashed by I burst into tears. I had no words, just - sobs and tears. My dear friend took me into her arms and held me. There were no words exchanged, only feelings and tears. She couldn't say what she wanted to say because I couldn't understand. I couldn't say what I wanted to say because she couldn't understand me. So we stood in verbal silence, communicating through both of our tears. What mattered to me was that she cared enough to enter my world. She knew instinctively why I burst into sobs when I saw her energetic three year old go dashing by. She shared my grief without words but was present and caring. Suddenly it all made some sense to me; grief is not something you can really explain correctly to another human being. It's a feeling deep in the heart and soul of a human that connects by bold love that comes straight from God. My friend simply put to practice what the Bible says in Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those that do rejoice and weep with those that weep".

Thanksgiving comes soon; my mind goes back a year. We were at home all day; our neighbor Barry came over for lunch. His wife Rhonda had to work so it was just he and our family. The girls were delighted to have him here. Barry is a very calm person and always had a very calming effect on Kira. In fact she almost always behaved perfectly when he was around. They often played with Rhonda and Barry when they were out with their dogs next door and we had become good friends because of their puppy love. After lunch Merlin, Kira, Marlea and Barry played "Memory" for a long time. I can still see them on the floor playing diligently. This was big stuff to Marlea and Kira...Barry playing "Memory." Thanks Barry and Rhonda for the love you gave and give the girls...we still cherish those many good memories.

As I reflected more on the grief issue it continued to become more clear. I gained new understanding in that it's okay not to have words for grief; the feeling in your heart is what matters. I am overwhelmed when I realize through my eyes how much you all have given me. I am reminded again that giving to others is what life is all about; to be a reflection of Jesus. I want to be more like that!

Merlin has been doing quite well the last several weeks. It helps all of us a lot to feel more stable. Please keep praying that he and I will continue to heal physically and of course all of us emotionally. It's tough with the holiday season coming. I would like to run somewhere and hide. Instead I am trying to be brave and get out the manger scenes with Marlea; it has always been a traditional party in this house. Today we unboxed one nativity set and it was missing a wise man. Since Kira isn't here to defend herself, we blamed it on her (probable culprit.)

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

Baggage

We were on vacation in El Salvador for the past two weeks; as we were preparing to go I searched to find the suitcases. I looked at them and just stared. There was just no way I could pack; no way I could pack up with my feelings. They were not going to fit. I searched vainly for a compartment big enough to contain them. I thought of several different pieces of luggage, and oddly enough they seemed too small. As I started putting things in the largest suitcase, I had no room for my baggage. What was I going to do with it? It seemed so heavy and enormous. Merlin packed the rest of the suitcases and no room was left. The next morning we put our luggage in my brother's vehicle and drove for the airport. As we drove along I felt confused. My baggage was coming along and yet is wasn't packed. Later as we walked down the terminal to the board the plane I felt it following me. I didn't have that free feeling one expects to have when going on vacation. The thoughts and feelings were following close behind me. I found myself wondering how what I was thinking was going to fit onto the plane. The plane taxied down the runway and yes, it was still with me. But the plane wasn't big enough. I sighed in relief, glad I hadn't tried to pack the mental baggage-realizing I would never have been able to stuff everything into a suitcase or any piece of something. Even if I had tried - the airplane could never have contained it all. I sighed again feeling overwhelmed with the thought that my baggage is too big to fit into an airplane. Ironically it followed me even though it didn't fit. My mind turned in consolation to Jesus and His promise to me in Matthew 11:28-30: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Yes, my baggage followed me but God's promise is stronger in my heart than my baggage.

Kira loved suitcases. To her they meant upcoming adventures. When she was smaller she used to love climbing into and out of luggage. She didn't care whether or not things were in the bags. As she grew she realized she could pack her clothes in to go away. Marlea had her own red suitcase and usually shared with Kira. Kira would carefully put in lots of things. I always went through their suitcase and put numerous things back in her drawer where they belonged. She was always so pleased with herself for packing. Last Christmas Kira got her own suitcase. It was brown with polka dots. This was very important - to her it meant she was getting older, like Marlea. A few days later we went to Ohio over New Year's Day. She proudly stuffed many items into it as we packed. She was so happy to have her own she shone from ear to ear. Marlea's suitcase is red, Kira's was polka dot with a ribbon on and she knew Marlea was secretly jealous of it. Her suitcase has gone with us on every trip we have taken since February. Instead of Kira wheeling it, Marlea does. It's a touch of Kira we take along. Marlea used it for her carry-on on our trip. Tears came to my eyes as I watched her with it. Many questions, wishes, and pain went through my heart.

We were able to relax and enjoy our vacation. It felt good to come back to Kira's pictures and memories. I hadn't been in El Salvador since we are married and it was Merlin's first time there. We enjoyed a new place, new memories, and new people. We can't speak Spanish so that meant limited conversation, which was good for both of us. Most of all, we enjoyed spending time with my parents who are there as missionaries for four months.

I thought maybe if I don't write for three weeks you will just forget about us... I am blessed to know (and see on the site meter) that you haven't. I thank God for each one of you that prays and cares for us! I am dealing with adrenal fatigue, and ask for your prayers especially that I can regain strength and live accordingly.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna