Outlets of Pain

Kira had two little friends at church. Janessa is three months older and Abbi is three weeks older. At Kira's graveside, Abbi came and sat on my lap. We sat silently on that cold February day. There were no words necessary. Together we threw Hershey kisses and daisies into the open grave. My tears ran as I held her, my heart crying out for my own three year old. The next day at church she was waiting with hugs for me. For months after that she was waiting every Sunday with a hug and would often sit on my lap for a while after church. Some Sundays she would have hugs for Merlin too. Nobody told her to do it, she just knew instinctively. She knew because she needed me too. She was also missing Kira, and I reminded her of Kira. My heart would often break inside - I wanted to hold her, take her home, and make her my own. But I couldn't, since she wasn't mine to keep. In July, she and her family left to be missionaries in Liberia. Her only request for me was that I sing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" at their farewell. I granted her request by sheer determination. I knew I was going to miss her dreadfully and it felt like another parting. As the weeks wore on after she left I realized that she was an outlet for my pain. Her hugs, her sweetness, just the feel of holding her was so much like Kira. Abbi is also Kira's second cousin so in some ways she did feel like her. She forced me to stay honest with my feelings. To stay alive, in touch, and to not deny them. But she did something more; she became my friend. I finally decided to try making another friend. I knew Janessa had a really difficult time after Kira died so I decided to try to become her friend. It didn't take long; now she sits with me for a little while almost every Sunday in church. She loves one toy I have in my purse. It is silly putty - Kira's very own special one. When we went to El Salvador, I let her keep it for me until I got back. I haven't figured out yet if she likes the silly putty, likes the excuse to come sit with me, or likes the silly putty because it gives her a connection to memories of Kira. Either way doesn't matter; what matters to me is that I have a friend that is Kira's age. When she is finished sitting on my lap, my heart cries out in pain. For a few minutes my pain was somewhat quieted with her presence. She reminds me of Kira, and helps me to be honest with myself and the feelings in my heart. In some ways, she is a bridge to my feelings. The energy I use in our relationship is an outlet of the pain inside of me. I thank God for Janessa and for Abbi even though Abbi is far away. I hope to be friends with them for the rest of my life.

In the last several months of Kira's life, each night she would pray a simple prayer. "God bless my teacher(Sunday School), God bless Janessa, and Trevor." Then her voice would trail off sleepily. I can still hear her say those words in my head. I often think of it as I lie in the girls' bed saying prayers. How I wish I could still hear it! I can't help but wonder who else she would have added to her list by now.

Thanksgiving was okay. Thanks so much to all of you who prayed for us especially on Thursday. I felt that lifted up feeling that comes from lots of intercession. Today I was moving pictures around and putting out our manger scene. I wished this to be last year. Instead it was this year and Kira is only in my memory. Marlea and Anna had lots of fun helping me and I tried to be brave and happy for their sakes. I feel time getting close to a year since she left us and I want to freeze. Pray that I would be able to sort out my feelings correctly and remain reliant on God. Some days I am very fatigued and it's hard for me to deal with life when I am tired.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna