The Last Purchase

Gravestones-I dislike them. I don't want to purchase one, I don't want to look at them, I don't even want to talk about what to put on it. I would like to avoid the subject. Can't the grave have just a little marker? Actually if the marker would be removed, that would be fine - I will just pretend that Kira's death never happened. Grass can grow and cover the plot and no one will ever know in a hundred years the sad story of our little sweetsy-tweetsy. I just don't want to admit that we need to buy one for Kira. I can't bear reading her tombstone. How can her life be portrayed accurately on a tombstone? How can I go to the graveyard and read "Kira Mary Yutzy" on one of those cold, barren pieces of stone? How can it be that this child who made me lose my brown hair be the same child for which we buy a gravestone? Just eight months ago I could never sit here and type on a computer. I would have had too much help. Just eight months ago that body that is now under the sod in the graveyard was here bouncing around on the office counter. Just eight months ago I was a normal person. Now it feels like making the last purchase for our little girl will change me even more. To admit she needs a gravestone is to admit she died and isn't here on this earth anymore. Only her legacy, her stories, and her pictures. To make the last purchase is tempting me... I can hear the stone being put on the ground with a thud. It tempts me to put a stone on my feelings with a thud. But I can't, and I won't. I can't deny what has happened - reality. I can't deny God and his faithfulness to me, to us. I will try to be brave and help Merlin make good choices regarding the last purchase.

Often when I tried to answer the phone here in the office, Kira would come along and climb up onto the counter. At the most inopportune times she would scream or loudly talk. Her favorite thing to do was to plant herself right in front of the computer screen. Therefore, I had to look at her and laugh instead of typing the reservation information. It was a great way to get my attention and way too funny for me. How much more obvious as a child do you have to make your wishes known that you would prefer the attention be on yourself? I would be irritated sometimes but much more often I would laugh and lunge for her - which is exactly what she wanted.

Please continue to pray for us. In some ways the situation seems more awkward to relate to than it did seven months ago. It's hard to explain how the pain keeps on affecting us. Pray that we would be able to parent our children effectively still in the midst of our pain and theirs. Thanks so much!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna