I am still searching for the missing piece, and I can't find it. I know who the piece is, but she is not here as far as I can see. Why can't I see? I feel blind, not able to look, as if it is beyond me and my human body. And it is - but I want to smash something to be rid of this blindness. The thought makes me angry. Maybe I should go on a search around the globe looking for my missing piece. Why do I have to miss her - a child I loved more than myself. This longing inside of me is intense - I feel frustrated. Last night as I lay in bed I was talking to Jesus. Suddenly I felt Kira beside me, her head on my arm. I cried out - God I can't handle this, take the feeling away. I could feel her - why couldn't I see her? It felt too good. Just think... if I could have her back again everything would be okay and this nightmare could be over. I heard Jesus say to me "Okay if you are not ready to have feelings like this that is okay." That quickly the sensation was gone, and again I was left searching. I would like to bottle my sin and kick it away - so far away that it would never come back. Then my search would be over; because if I wouldn't be on a sin-cursed earth I would be able to see heaven and Kira; then my missing piece would be found. The curse of sin blinds me, and keeps me from seeing heaven now. I wait in pain for the day when the curse on mankind will be broken and I will finally see. I long to see what I suspect more and more. I am suspicious that heaven is right in front of our eyes. Our sin - the curse on mankind from the Garden of Eden - keeps us from seeing heaven. I firmly believe one day we will see and ask "How could I not see? Why did I waste so much energy being sad when really Kira - and all of heaven - was so close all along." God, Jesus our Saviour, His glory is too much for us. "For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12. Thank you Jesus for the cross, wherein lies my only hope!
Kira and Marlea were excellent fighters. I often spent a lot of the day solving arguments and fights. Don't get me wrong - there was lots of fun play in between scuffles. At one stage - when Kira didn't like what Marlea was doing, she didn't waste any time letting her know how she felt. She would just pick up a handful of crayons and throw them all at Marlea; handful after handful until I reached her. One day as I was driving, I looked back and saw them holding hands. It was so sweet. Marlea was in the back and Kira in the seat in front of her. They were both straining their arms and Marlea was leaning forward as far as she could. They were both smiling sweetly. I smiled and realized that the saying is true "This (fighting)too shall pass." The crayon throwing wouldn't go on forever.
My prayer request is the same as last week: Pray that especially I would be able to believe that good things will happen again. Satan would like me to believe that's not possible. I have fears to conquer and feelings to work through regarding particularly my children becoming sick. I find myself nearly panicking whenever there is a slight fever with either of them. I sit and wonder if this will be the last time I will hold my child. I can hardly help from feeling that way because it is so real to me. Pray that I can trust God as my mind relates to those memories.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
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Marylu:
ReplyDeleteAgain I am touched by your words which allow us to look into to your heart wrenching struggle with pain & loss. I was moved to tears when I read about your longing and your cries to God.
At the same time, you have provided such an incredible testimony on the goodness of God and the value of an incredible personal relationship with Him and reliance on His word.
If only we could all remember to pin all of our sufferings, doubts, longings, sin to the cross and allow Him to reach down and comfort and assure us that heaven & our sweet loved ones are just in front of us, we would have so much more peace. One day, we will have the blinders of sin & doubt removed and He will be right there, so close.
I do pray that you will have happiness & peace & know that good things are already happening in your lives and that God will grant you the grace to be comforted and to enjoy life again.
You are an amazing woman and have been an enormous source of wisdom and inspiration & I thank you.
God bless you always.
Lee T.
dear friend...i think and pray for you - often!
ReplyDeletemy love - Esther
Marylu,
ReplyDeleteWe know some of the same people. We are friends with some of your family in P.C. We however, have never met. I never met dear Kira but I feel like I know you both intimately. I read your messages and my heart aches. Tears roll for a child I never met but see so full of life in the pictures.
A family I do not know is so close to my heart. I do see. I see the Holy Spirit working. Working through your family. Working through you. Your words. The thoughtful,beautiful,raw words. Thank you for sharing your heart. Know your work here is being fullfilled. Blessings and Prayers to you and your family, Jennifer Shugert
The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.
Romans 8:16-17
I am reading a book right know about brokeness. This was the introduction to the book. It made me think of you.
Lord, High and Holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the vally of vision,
where I live in the depths but see thee in
heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I
behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing
spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious
soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the
crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from
deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the
brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.
-from The Valley of Vision:
A Collection of Puritan Prayers and
Devotions.
Praying for you Marylou. To you who hurts so deeply I pray for joy in your life and a perfect sense of God!
ReplyDeletePraying for you as you walk your journey!
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family daily. May God comfort you and give you peace.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for the ability to see past the fear, for you all. Fear is a powerful tool of the enemy. One of the mean, nasty tricks he plays on us. He knows how to make it real and tangible. But it is a choice. We can grab the fear or the freedom. I am guilty of grabbing the fear and being in the bondage of that. But I am grateful for His ability to set us free. He wants to set your whole family free and relieve your fears. Illness and disease is part of the brokeness of the world, but freedom and healing is part of the goodness of the God we serve. He loves and holds you all. He is holding Kira in perfection. Someday, YOU will, again, hold her and that perfection. He is holding YOU, NOW! That is the freedom. I love you all.
ReplyDeleteRhonda
Marylu,
ReplyDeleteHoping you remember the three girls from
Maryland , Vicki, Sandy and Dale.
Dale was on your website to check date to stay at Olde Homestead and discovered your terrible news. I am so sorry to here that.
I can not understand why God takes the little ones. I guess only the good die young.
I have never lost a child, but Sandy has to cancer 4 yr. old boy. It is not suppose to be that way. I pray for you and your family for comfort.
Thinking of you,
Vicki Sump
Cordova, MD