Monday, October 19, 2009

Places

Places...different places bring different pain. Memories that are entrenched in our minds; unforgettable scenes; unforgettable sounds; unforgettable things our ears heard; memories that go with us for a lifetime; memories that different places bring back the pain and force it upon us. Here...this is, this was, this did happen to us. We are not only dreaming that Kira's death was horrible. Places bring back memories and become real to me again.
On Saturday we were at Calvary Monument, the church where we had Kira's viewing and funeral. As I sat in the pew, I looked tentatively down to where Kira's casket had been. Yes, I could see it in my mind. Just being at the same place brought back memories as if they happened yesterday. The pain threatened to overwhelm me as I sat there and sang "Nearer still nearer, Lord to be Thine". Tears gathered around the corners of my eyes and trickled down my cheeks. Why do these horrible memories need to be part of my life? Why when I sing "Nearer still nearer" do I think of that and Kira. I don't want it to be like this. I want to draw nearer to God some other way. Any way but through losing Kira. But no, I can see the scenes. They are part of my life and I will not lose them. My mind drifts to the many people that embraced our pain with us. The many who came to comfort us at the viewing. I can still see the faces...hear the words... and feel the hugs. I still remember the feeling in my heart as I realized over and over again the love other people had for our daughter and us. And so I sat and embraced the memories... memories a place brings me, memories that are embedded in my mind, memories that are part of my journey to healing and God.


Kira loved doors. Ever since I can remember her getting around she liked to open and close doors and gates. We have a gate outside our house on an arbor. That was one of her favorite places to play - open, close, open, close. She also liked to open the front door. To her it was her ticket to freedom. One day she was playing with a key. She tried it on doors but that wasn't enough. In the process she tried it on the front door, got it open and sneaked outside. It was nice outside and she decided to cross the road and try the key on the door over there. That is where I found her, opening and closing the door of the barn across the street - fitting the key in and out. Needless to say, I was a frantic mother and had confirmed in my mind that some children necessitate extra-protective angels. A few more hair-raising experiences occurred, mostly ones that come with little people who are taller then their minds can handle. As a result, Merlin needed to go to Home Depot and purchase chain slide locks, which Kira couldn't open. They were not to keep people out, but to keep roamers where they were supposed to be.

Thanks for your prayers. Grief and stress have taken their toll on our physical health. Please pray that we would continue to heal emotionally and physically.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

13 comments:

  1. Learning to embrace the pain and memories in our lives is very difficult. Self-protective instincts are strong. I pray that as you let your heart be soft and feel, Jesus will continue to pour healing and the oil of joy into your wounds, and that you can spread that to others.
    Sarah

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  2. Nicole Eschenbach (Blome) Craig, and EvanOctober 20, 2009 at 10:05 PM

    This entry brings back a vivid memory of my last visit at the Inn (last october). I was with my mom, sisters, and son Evan. Evan was only 2 months old and we were sitting downstairs talking to Marlea and Kira. Evan started crying for a bottle, so I went back up to our room, but the key wouldn't work when I swiped it. I came down to tell you and you brought up a new key to try..Kira followed you up and she just HAD to be the one to open the door as Evan was crying for that bottle. I could tell it was just "one of those days" for you, but you were so very PATIENT as dear little kira swiped the key again and again. After a few trys it still didn't work and you gently took Kira's hand and helped her swipe the key. Kira pushed the door right open and she hadthe biggest smile on her face. It is so funny that you wrote about her love for opening and closing doors because my mom and I were just talking about our latest memory of Kira swiping the key for us.

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  3. Kira has a hand in helping you heal with her memories.. she is with God and by reading your blog, I keep seeing her work her healing.
    God Bless you and your family.
    I can't tell you that I know your pain, but I feel such an ache for you, her mother.
    I pray for you all daily.
    Linda Devlin

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  4. my friend...i, too, thought of those 'good-byes' on Saturday...my heart wept with you.
    my love - e

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  5. Dearest Marylou,

    I love the picture of Kira at the Garden Gate. It is very precious. You are in my prayers continually. Allow your thoughts to be centered on the Lord and also Marlea and Ana. I pray that Gods healing power will strengthen you all in everyway. I had a conversation the day with a lady that didn't know I had lost the baby. I don't like facing people in such away and I'm sure that happens to you also. I think of you often.

    Debbie

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  6. Praying so very hard for you! Thank you for sharing the picture of Kira at the Garden Gate! So sweet! Now she is playing near the Pearly Gate! That would be a beautiful etching on the stone, if you do decide to get one. Beyond the grave is the most breathtaking gate, and it mean's WELCOME HOME! And there need be no lock, for no one wants to escape it's splendor! The pain lies in those who are still on earth, it's so hard to think of life without the loved ones gone, but take it minute by minute, and try to visualize Kira in Heaven, running, and laughing, and greeting others at the gate!

    God be with you,
    Lisa Ann DiNunzio
    New Jersey

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  7. I can so identify with what your going through. We lost our little boy 16 years ago when he was staying somewhere for the evening, while my hubby and I taught Bible School, he walked out onto the road and was struck by a car. Ones life is never ever the same again. Yes, it gets easier as the years go by but I still have those moments when I once again have to cry, moments of something that he would be participating in if he were still here.
    Someone described an experience like this to be like putting on a pair of sunglasses. Life from that point on is like looking through a pair of sunglasses.
    I have actually gotten to the point now because of some other difficult experiences that I'm so glad that Kevin is home safe! But it takes years and years of getting to that point. Don't ever let anyone tell you that its time to get over it, because you never get over it as such, and I don't think our heavenly Father expects us to ever get over it til we get to our heavenly home.
    I don't know you personally and I'm not even sure how I came to know about your Kira, (nephew inlaw I think) but I always can identify and hurt with people who are going through similar experiences that we have gone through and wish I could reach out and somehow make it all better for them, and I know that I cant but I know someone who can. Little by little the healing comes. May God grant you exactly what you need for the hours, days, and years ahead! Ruth - joyful4321@aol.com
    ( If you need someone to talk to. )

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  8. I love that picture of Kira!! She looks so full of pizazz there!! Praying for you guys!! ---Devon n Mike

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  9. The picture of Kira is precious, priceless. I get this picture of her standing at Heaven's gate. She's going to want to open that door for you all as you come to that point of time. What a welcome!

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  10. I think the idea of etching that picture on the stone is perfect. It may make it easier knowing that a beautiful picture will be on the stone.
    Thinking of you always,
    Cindy & Dave

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  11. MaryLou:

    Just hoping that all is well with you and your family since you haven't posted anything in over a week.

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  12. Thank you for sharing your heart; it's touched mine in many ways! Praying for you!
    Faith Lapp

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  13. Your writings are powerful. You have such a wonderful way of expressing yourself. We can feel your pain with you.
    Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
    Much love
    Judy & Tom Keenan
    Smyrna, DE
    We also love that picture of Kira!

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