The Bottom - it feels as if I am there. This past week has been difficult in some ways, but strangely in other ways it wasn't much worse than any other week. It took me a while to be okay with that feeling. Actually saying that to my friends who asked me how I am felt so humbling. It feels so revealing of the horror the pain - how unstoppable it is, and how much that pain is a part of my life. I don't have anything more left to grieve with, no more energy to exert, no more emotions to feel. The knife feels nearly as strong as it did a year ago except that now it comes and goes instead of being constant. Is there more left under the bottom for me? That I don't know. This I do know - it's here at the bottom in this valley where I can offer my altars of praise to God for simple pleasures of life. My altars consist of being needy and empty before God, thankful for His care for me, praising Him for His grace and goodness in my life, and the rest He has to offer me continually. This valley is increasing my faith, building up my trust in God, and continuing to set me on a rock - a firm place. The mountaintop seems very far away and I have no strength to think of climbing to it. Here at the bottom in this valley I will stay until I am healed as much as I can be here in this world. Or who knows - maybe the healing takes place on the mountaintop? I continue to marvel about the mystery of God; He has become even more mysterious to me here at the bottom. Psalm 40:2 "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."
One day in the spring of 2008 it was raining; the cats and dogs kind of rain. There were lots of puddles outside and Marlea and Kira got the idea that it would be nice to put on their swimming suits and go puddle splashing. Nice idea, but it was cold. Not just a little cold, the real kind where mothers who are sane would never let munchkins outside in swimsuits. It was one of those days that I had enough of everything. Anna was a few weeks old and I was still adjusting to three children. I let them do it, swimsuits and all. In a short period of time they discovered what I meant by "being too cold." Meanwhile I watched from the window, laughing as they shivered in the puddles.
Please pray that we will be open to God and joyfully accept His will for us. That sounds strange; we should be accepting this after a year. The struggle is still here. Also please pray that we will remain physically healthy.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
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You have been on my mind so much these days. Praying... Zonya
ReplyDeleteThere is some strange comfort at the bottom. There is only one place left to go...up. I think He is building a VERY solid foundation for us all while we tarry at the bottom. I don't mean as a negative tarry. We will enjoy the mountain top much more when He prepares us to be there. We'll see you soon.
ReplyDeleteRhonda
Yes, well, mothers who have newborns aren't sane. =) Still praying for you. You certainly don't have to apologize for where you are or are not in the journey of grief. Those who have been there understand, and those of us who have not can learn from you.
ReplyDeleteSarah
No matter where you are in your walk of grief and pain, you are still where Christ wants you to be.
ReplyDeleteHi Marylu-
ReplyDeleteim thinking of Annie and Kira today... my guess is that Kira's enjoying her presence and no doubt it was her turn to open the gate! :) missing both of them! i think of you often, Marylu and i know my boys have become much more precious because of Kira! praying for you... Omi
Praying!!! It's not strange at all to still be hurting! A part of you is gone from this earth...yes, you will see her again one day, but when you love someone you will ALWAYS miss them when they are no longer with you on earth. You are handling this tragedy with grace! Your allowed to hurt...and mourn...and no one should tell you that it's wrong to still do so! Yes, your still a Mommy, and wife...and yes, you have God in your life...so YES, you are to keep on going, and I think your doing a fine job of it, with all you have been through! God will continue to see you through every second of every day! It's ok to cry...just try to smile through those tears and remember all the joy Kira brought to your life....cherish those memories...they are forever a part of you! Big hugz!
ReplyDeleteYou have been in our prayers. I look forward to seeing you and giving you a big hug on March 19th when we come out to stay at the inn. Oh the pain that you bear...I wish I could take it away from you yet I know God has given you the grace to walk through each new day. God bless you, and you have certainly blessed me by blogging your thoughts and showing all of us your tremendous faith and trust in the Lord. May you feel God's loving arms around you and help you to remember the joy that Kira brought you each day that she was with you all. See you soon. Love, Laura Dolan
ReplyDeleteMarylu,
ReplyDeleteIt was so nice to see you running the Inn this past weekend. It was truly visible to see God in you and how far He has brought you over the past year. We were at the Inn last when you took Kira to the hospital, and I must say that I have not stopped thinking about you and your family since then. I read your blog regualrly and I am amazed at your strength and it is clear to see that you get it from God. We loved seeing the pictures you had all around the In of Kira but mostly we loved seeing the smile that God has returned to your face. We will continue to lift you and your family up in our prays and ask for Gods healings and blessings for you. Looking forward to seeing you again at the Inn.
Dale and Wendy Price
I normally never miss your blog and knew that the year was coming up..
ReplyDeleteWe ourselves lost someone dear almost to the day, one year later. My beloved mom..
It has been a very difficult week for me, but I know that she is with God, as is Kira..
We shall meet them all one day.
God Bless your family at this very difficult time.
Linda Devlin