Awkwardness

Pain is awkward, and no way exists to get around it. It can tongue-tie a person, make words come out wrong, and create brain freeze. It's the feeling often pushed aside, pushed around, and tried to drown out somewhere. We don't like things that are awkward - they make us feel uncomfortable. We are afraid, out of our element. God didn't make humans to experience pain. It doesn't come naturally for us to experience neither does it come naturally for us to relate to pain. Pain is uncharted territory in the human and we prefer to leave it like that. Busting it is like jumping off a cliff. To stare at it headlong feels strange. Then yet each person processes pain differently; so what works for some might not work for others. Some of us are afraid of their tears; others are afraid of their actions, still others are afraid of their words. I have often avoided deep pain in my own life and avoided people who I knew were experiencing deep pain. Nothing ever takes the awkwardness of pain away completely. However, there are ways of being okay with pain and being okay with being awkward. I have experienced a lot of situations where people confronted pain and diminished it's awkwardness by talking, in actions, and through tears. To know that the body of Christ (church and friends) experiences pain with you can take away the awkwardness of it. There is so much power there that pain becomes tangible and soft. This life as a Christian, this body of Christ is one that will always fascinate me. The people that dare to be okay with awkwardness because they love us is a touch of Jesus to me. There is no explanation for it besides Jesus. It's Jesus himself who took pain and turned it into something beautiful - not awkward. It's Jesus that replaced death with life!
We experienced this Sunday. For those of you who didn't witness the occasion, we had a celebration for Kira here at our house. I felt awkward about it, kind of scared; I mean what really was I going to say to everyone? Merlin and I decided that it was useless to try to stuff the awkwardness of it, and so we were going to just be okay with it. I did not feel awkward one time. I felt loved, encouraged, and lifted up. It was a drop in from 2-5 p.m. Our house was filled to the brim. We had a children's hour with face-painting and balloon twisting. Generous individuals donated themselves and their talents to fill little hearts with cheer. We also released balloons outside in memory of Kira.

Our memories of last year this time are very real to us. Looking back I am so thankful that Merlin and I chose to stay present and close to God those days in the hospital. I have some good memories too and I am thankful for them - also thankful for the friends, family, and staff at Hershey. You all looked pain in the face with us then also and supported us so well. We remain forever grateful.

One of the last days Marlea and Kira played outside last winter they played in the mud. I was over here in the office and Kira wanted me. She went inside and saw I wasn't in there so went back out(leaving heavy mud tracks) and came around the front onto the inn patio (leaving more heavy mud tracks) and into the lobby. Bless her heart she was trying not to make more tracks. What are you supposed to do when you can't get your boots off and can't find your mommy? I thanked her for her consideration. She was so sweet about it.

Thanks so much to all of you for your extra prayers, etcetera for us at this one year mark.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna