Wanted: a Map

Today is my birthday. On my birthday I like to plan a little about the next year. What will I do, who will I become, what would I like to change to become a better person? Today, July 13, 2009 I wish for a map. A map that would tell me where to go in life, with all my feelings and thoughts. A map that would give me some kind of direction of how all my sorrow and pain will become redeemed and beautiful at the foot of the cross. A map to tell me how to let it be redeemed-how to let it become beautiful. A map to direct if I should go east, west, north, or south. Right now I feel like I am being pulled in all directions. They are interpreted by denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and the most encompassing one: acceptance. The acceptance one is a pull that feels like all directions at once. Also the most confusing - because I will never be okay with what happened to Kira. My acceptance has to do with being redeemed by Jesus. I wish this map would also tell me who I will become after this fight. How do I know what to feel if I can't see the end result? I have no idea who I will become, or who I am even trying to become because I am not trying to become anyone and yet I am changing. But really what has changed is the direction I am going...my goal is heaven more then ever before. There is a map to heaven - it is the written word of God. That can be frustrating because I have trouble absorbing what I read. So that brings me back to the beginning: I wish for a map. But alas, there is none to tell me exactly where to go, what to feel. It is uncharted territory. I have never been here before. I have no experience. No one else does either because every situation is different. Sure - advice and insight help tremendously but really in the end it is us, Kira, and what happened. And the power I tend to forget about, the one who will guide me if I just let Him, the one who waits until I ask for direction: Jesus. I have been thinking about this for weeks already and already God brought a major happening into my life that was far beyond anything I imagined would ever happen. The healing I experienced from the happening was amazing and real. From this experience I can trust more easily that God is in control. But it takes a tremendous amount of trust and being okay with the "lost" feeling.

Last year on my birthday we went to Chili's restaurant. We took the girls along. We had a great time, only I never got to eat my food. I had to bring it home and eat it later. We were so busy keeping the three girls happy I didn't even mind eating it later. If I remember right the keeping happy became a joke: Marlea fussing, Kira's tummy hurt, and Anna was crying. I wished for it tonight. We were only four tonight and each of us was quite well behaved in comparison. The fifth person would maybe have been acting like a little lady, too? It was almost like I could reach out and feel her presence. And yet if I tried it was unattainable, just beyond my reach. The hole.....

Pray that we will continue to trust our heavenly Father, and that we will feel His deep love for us. Pray that we would see glimpses of His Map as a touch of His reassurance that He does indeed love us.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna