Balancing

There is more to the removal of denial than I anticipated. My balance in this circle - and interrupting it - is being shaken to the core. Some of the events of the last weeks have intensified my desire to be more real and be okay with Kira being in heaven. By trying to face denial more intensely my longings for Kira have also intensified, which in turn makes the struggle to rely on God more intense. I keep reminding myself that I have chosen to trust God, and no one is forcing me to do so. I find that by removing denial, the other parts of "the circle of grief" seem to still be at home. I have decided that they are going to stay. They don't seem wrong to me. Anger is part of God. Bargaining can have it's place, although the Bible accounts of this don't always turn out really well. Depression is sometimes a part of walking through a valley - because when we are low we search the Bible more and seek out God. Life isn't all mountain top experiences, so ups and downs have their place in the balance. The last visitor in the circle "acceptance," is definitely a Godly attribute. These visitors are tipsy, and all of them can be taken too far. There seems to be a gentle balance between good and bad for them. Will I learn to live the balance? My visitors in this grief circle - with God's grace - will become balanced. Will I learn when I am tempted to overbalance to not do so, but instead rely and trust in God more? Will I recognize the signs of overbalance and stop myself before I get there?

Kira loved to come into bed with us. Neither Marlea or Anna liked to sleep there but to Kira it was the ultimate sleeping spot. She usually didn't care if I was there or not, it was Daddy she wanted. At fourteen months old she was climbing out of her crib by herself. Out of fear that she would hurt herself, we put her in a toddler bed. So of course this was great, since she could now find our bed by herself whenever she wanted to do so. She hardly ever slept through the night until she was two years and three months old - so this was a constant struggle. One morning after a particularly restless night, I awoke with a start. Where was she? I then felt some feet in my hair and after a closer look I found her curled around Merlin's head. They were both sleeping peacefully. I sighed and enjoyed the moment. I often think of those sleepless nights and thank God for them. I got to hold her and spend hours more time with her that way. Sure, they were frustrating but the experiences outweigh the frustrations now.

As I reflect on the balancing act I am once again drawn to the people that catch me when I tip over the edge. Our families catch us so often; but, it is in other ways too. Some days it is a card that I get in the mail that catches me. Some days a phone call or email. Lots of days it is the many comments left on here that encourage me. I have lots and lots I can read over and over. We humbly again say thank you.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna