The Missing Piece

I often seem to be looking for something. I feel like something is missing. Maybe I am forgetting something as I walk out the door. I double check myself; I have my keys, phone, and wallet - everything is here. Today I was working in the girl's bedroom trying to rearrange so everything fits. They all sleep in one room so everything has to have a place, or there is no place to walk. I keenly felt as if I could arrange everything, but still something is missing. It confused me. I know what it is - I know who it is. I cannot stop missing her. It's her I am missing, her jacket I haven't zipped. Her doll that is still in the room; her shoes that I haven't tied. It's the one that I haven't strapped into her car seat. It's the one whose face I miss when I turn to look at my girls in the van. It's the one that I am missing as I clean up the bedroom - her opinions and ideas about how I should do it. It's her dolls that no one is mothering. It's her things that are still in place, untouched for months. They float around and Anna plays a little with them, but they don't really have an owner. It's her stuffed animals that dominate the pile. They lie forsaken and lonely - waiting just like the rest of us for their owner. But she doesn't come; she isn't hiding, neither is she sleeping. Merlin comes in the door and she is not with him... Kira is the piece that is missing. She is the piece that will be missing until we die. We will need to be okay with the missing piece. To learn to be joyful when we are missing a piece of our life is not an easy feat. And so I lovingly pick up her dolls and put them on Anna's bench. Tears threaten to rain as I rearrange the doll chest and put some favorite stuffed animals on it. I remember from where each one came and I smile. Every one of them comes from a guest here at the inn. Every one of them is full of character, just like her. Crazy ones - like a brown moose that she loved; a frog holding a baby frog; a teddy bear that could wrap its arms around her neck; a lamb that sang her lullabies when she was a baby; a cute white teddy with a pink nose; a lavender one with a ribbon that she always thought was so cute. A lion with which she and Marlea roared at each other. Almost all these had some time in her bed. I look at them and sigh, wishing she could still play with them.

A year or so ago I purchased some soaps that look like chocolate. We gave them as favors to our guests for Valentine's Day. Marlea and Kira thought this was big stuff and tried to sneak them whenever they could. Once I left one lying back in the laundry; when I found it again it had teeth marks on it with a small piece missing. Apparently Kira (with her love of chocolate) had thought it her chance for some chocolate and took a bite. She was so eager that her memory failed to remind her that it was soap, not chocolate. And so we laughed and the girls got one more bar of their beloved chocolate soap. It does smell and look very appealing. It must have not tasted too bad because I never heard anything about it from Kira.

Merlin continues to improve. It's almost scary for me because then when he has a bad day I get so discouraged and afraid. Pray that we would trust God and believe that good can happen. We were in Ohio last weekend and it was very enjoyable. Easier this time, but then it was so hard when we came home. Pray that we would not grow weary in embracing the pain and being okay with it. Sometimes we are so tempted to ignore it. Then when pain catches me again it is so hard. It's so much easier to be honest - then it is more the same all the time.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna