Monday, January 11, 2010
A new year brings new goals, new ambitions, and new priorities. New things I wish to accomplish, new things I wish to learn, new habits I wish to acquire. I reminisce on the past year and I meet a stubborn spirit. The stubborn spirit is my own. I wanted different goals, ambitions, and priorities than what God had for me. I wanted to learn different things, and acquire different habits. I am still entrenched in myself. I find myself lacking desire to be who Jesus wants me to be. I want to erase and start 2009 over and do just a few things differently that could possibly have changed the loss of Kira. I battle and bargain with God...if only you wouldn't have done all these horrid things to me, to Merlin, to the girls. I cry out - why all this pain? My heart cries and screams inside me for relief from the grief. My head says "Okay God, last January I trusted you for the year and look what happened! How can I do that again?" My very muscles ache from the anxiety with which I am dealing. Some days the simple act of relaxing my toes is a job. My arms are left with teasing imaginations of someone they will never hold again here on this earth. My eyes are left with only mental pictures as simple as my child at the breakfast table...it has become a mirage...it floats in front of me every morning and disappears on the horizon - untouchable again. I scream again "God I can't do this, I don't want to learn anything more. I don't want to trust you for 2010. I don't, I don't, I don't-I don't know what! Something doesn't feel right-the longing for heaven intensifies in my screams. The core of my soul reminds me that I am not created for all this pain and grief, hence my tense toes. I was created for a perfect world where there is no pain, no grief, and no empty aching arms. Sin entered the world by choice. In turn, I also have a choice to make; the choice to learn what God wants me to learn. The choice to be open to what He thinks I can handle. Most of all, the choice to accept His free gift of grace beyond measure. I have discovered it erases my bitterness and invites me again to find rest at the foot of Jesus' cross.
Last year Merlin and I took the girls to the Farm Show. We had so much fun and of course the girls loved it. As we were going around to the different stands we came past a vendor that sold cowgirl hats, nice ones with strings and pink edging. I had always wanted a cowgirl hat and I thought they were very cute. Merlin didn't think they were cute enough to be worth the expense. The girls' longing words and the look on my face changed his mind and we bought two hats. Marlea and Kira played and played with those hats that last month and a half. Precious memories and precious hats! Ironically, we don't think of the money we spent on the hats (:
I know this sounds funny but please pray that we will be able to breathe. I almost have to remind myself sometimes. Marlea also is nervous and sometimes I think her body just hurts too. Pray that spirit, soul, and body could heal and function well together.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna