Last Saturday we attended a ceremony at Hershey for children that have passed away in the last year or more. Everything about me rebelled against the pain of going. To begin with - it was just extremely difficult to drive there. Marlea even put on the cd that we had in the van that week, which added to my misery. I could feel my muscles stiffening, my heart bleeding, and my eyes starting to tear. Then it was seeing people again that I haven't seen for six months to a year; important people who were part of my journey to God. Merlin and I took the workshops offered on grief while the children were entertained or played with - whatever happened. My fist one was on "self-Care strategies." It overwhelmed me; I was so tense just from coming there that to try to relax and enjoy the music and wisdom on journaling etc. just brought the tears. Strangely enough though, I look around and everyone else is struggling too. Oh, that's right I remember, they are in the same situation as me. I divided the feeling of common ground into three categories: a third felt good to be with people that understood without words, a third of me felt angry that we have to know how this feels, and a third of me felt totally overwhelmed by all the pain. My heart felt so ripped open again. My eyes refused to stop shedding tears. The one eye cried the whole time, the other eye only some of the time. That made me feel even more confused - that just my one eye wouldn't listen when I told it to stop. I felt so out of control. Maybe that is how God will tell me to heal by letting my one eye cry and not the other? The second session I took was "grief spiral" and the speaker talked about different age groups and how each one deals with grief. In the afternoon we had a ceremony and a slide show of children that have died. Kira was almost the last one because it was in alphabetical order. It was just tough to see her picture with others that have died. It was like admitting again that it happened to see her picture up there. I am getting used to it but it was so real that she is not here; she is in heaven and we can't enjoy her here anymore. That was the end and we came home again to a house with only pictures and memories of her. I am still unwinding.
Before Kira had enough hair to comb, every morning she would get so mad at Marlea because Marlea had hair. She would try to push Marlea off the hair-combing stool and would scream and holler. The day finally came when I could comb her hair without it hurting her and she was so happy. Now Anna does it to Marlea and I smile knowing Anna's day will come too.
Thanks for praying!
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
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Still praying for you and thinking of you! :)
ReplyDeleteWill the pain of losing a child ever fully go away? NO! Of course not! And that is normal...as a part of a minister's family I know first hand many, many people who have lost a child, and 5, 10, 15, 20 years later they still share fond and cherished memories of them. They were and ARE a part of their lives, and the one thing that has helped them through the pain...is knowing they will see their child again one day, and that they are in a better place. The pain might get less over time, you know that real raw open wound pain...but they still have the scar that never lets them forget. In my mind, to forget would not even be an option...I would always want to remember a loved one who has passed...and I do remember dear loved ones and friends no longer here on earth...I don't want to forget them...each brought something special to my life, and I will remember them and the blessing they were. My prayer for you Marylu is that you can cherish your memories of Kira always, and also find peace and the the "OK" to love, live and laugh again! Big Hugz!
ReplyDeleteI think it was C.S. Lewis that said something to this effect... to deny the grief caused by separation from someone you love is to deny the reality of their existence.
ReplyDeleteI'm asking God to give you strength and peace as you continue to celebrate and grieve Kira.
It was so good to meet you at Hershey last week. I can relate to feeling sadness over having to be a part of that "club"--those who've lost a child. But I know it's helpful to support each other and to know we are not the only ones going through this. I will pray for you as you deal not only with your grief but other family health issues.
ReplyDeleteKris Wagner
jkwagner@dejazzd.com