Monday, May 18, 2009

Fear

Fear-we all fear something. Some of us fear having an accident, an earthquake, a house-fire, or another natural disaster. Some of us fear people-their opinions, what they might think of us, what they might do to us. A lot of us fear not being good enough for ourselves, or our child or husband not being good enough for someone. Most of us fear change. A lot of mothers fear for their child's safety. Whether the child is an infant, toddler, adolescent, teeneager, etc. For me, my worst fear was that something would happen to my child. I was always more afraid of something happening to Kira-she was so unpredictable. In plain reality-it happened to me in front of my eyes. I can feel the terror realizing she lost her breath, of picking her up and yelling at her, hoping it's just a seizure. I look back and see the events folding out in front of me and yet they were so subtle that many mothers would have missed them. What's worse is even if I would have known, we would have had the same outcome. The thought feels full of fear, scary-what if it would happen again, would I know the second time? I look back again as thoughts roll through my head like a roller coaster. I feel the terror of realizing I need to do something. I feel the terror of yelling at Marlea to get the phone, calling the operator and asking her to help me remember CPR. My heart feels the terror of knowing that it is my child I have to breathe into-something I always hoped I would never have to do. I feel the terror of realizing she is dying infront of my eyes and I am alone. I cry out in terror and fear to God to save my sweet little girl. My heart feels the relief of hearing my neighbors come in - who I was praying would come when they hear the scanner. The fear in my heart is overwhelming by now and I am nearly losing my sanity but I keep helping wanting to touch and help my child. My terror only multiplies as the ambulance comes and whisks her off to the hospital. I run out the door behind them throwing their bags in the back and Merlin hastily kisses me and jumps in the front. I go back into the house and scream in fear. More fear than I have ever known in my life. God, please do something. I can't do this...I cried out to him aloud, screaming, yelling, thrashing.

That was only the start of my fear. Slowly I began to realize that God is here with me. My fear culminated on Tuesday when we made the heart-wrending decision to let her go peacefully... decisions I feared. Fear seemed to consume me as the end came. God calmed my fear with his presence. He let me feel his presence in a real way. When there was nothing left in me - way down at the bottom, God was there. I will never again say there is something I can't do - nothing seems hard anymore. Even my fear of death is gone forever. Suddenly I find myself with nothing to fear. If God cared for me in my worst fear - he will care for me in all my other worries. I still encounter them, but they flee when I remind myself of God's care in my deepest agony. I picture it as a balloon filled with fear and only a little space left for God tied in the knot. What if we could learn to fill the balloon with God and leave the fear tied in the knot. 2 Timothy 1:17 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Funny he puts the sound mind at the end after the words "power" and "love."

Merlin reminded me of Kira's favorite song when she rode in the truck with him-"Everything is going to be alright in Christ." She always joined in for the "in Christ" part. I think of that as I go thru the days. It's so true.

Life goes on for us. Merlin pretty much remains the same. Marlea keeps changing, definitely healing. I see more and more of the real, used to be Marlea coming back. It's wonderful and also helps me feel more normal. Anna is practicing walking and I so much wish Kira would be here to help her. I can just see her taking her hand and walking with her.

Thanks for caring, praying, loving, and understanding us in our pain.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

14 comments:

  1. my dear, dear friend...my love, Esther

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  2. Marylu,
    U are beautiful and u are going to get through this! God will see to it.

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  3. Dearest Marylu,
    You continue to be heavy on my heart as I uphold you and your family in prayer. Your
    writings have truly been a blessing and a sense
    of encouragement to me! God is using you and
    Merlin in ways you're not even aware of. Your
    sweet little Kira was blessed to have you both
    as her parents. Praise God for the way in which he takes away our fears and gives us eternal hope in Him. With lots of Hugs & Kisses Linda Lemp

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  4. Dear Marylu'
    We were away for a few weeks and just read your last 2 reflections. My heart went ou to you and your family.
    I so admire your courage in opening your heart in such a profound way. Your reflections are truly God inspired. The Holy Spirit has given you an amazing mission of communicating God's love and hope in Him.
    Your reliance on His reassurance of love and protection and strength is uplifting and ecouraging.
    We were at a Mass on Mother's Day in a small town in Sicily and I thought of you and prayed that God would comfort you on that special day. I heard this about prayer from a homliy that I found inspiting. "Prayer is such privelge and the heart of our relationship with God. It is spiriitual energy, attaching grace in our hearts".
    I pray that God bestow abundant grace on all of you so that you may be comforted.

    Lee Tucker

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  5. I will never forget the privilege of watching God come and take that fear away. It impacted me deeply.

    I love you, sister!
    Edith

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  6. Dear Marylu and Merlin. Just wanted you to know that you are not forgotten and are thot of often. Tom met Arlen (spellig?) the other day at Flight Safety. He told Tom how hard things are for you all. Please know that we love you and you are in our prayers.
    Much love - Tom & Judy Keenan

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  7. My heart aches for you. God is and will continue to use you in ways that you never understand. Love you lots! Sarah.

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  8. I was sure by now
    that you would have reached down
    and wiped our tears away
    stepped in and saved the day
    but once again
    I say amen
    and it's still raining
    but as the thunder rolls
    i barely hear you whisper through the rain i'm with you
    and as your mercy falls
    I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
    and i'll praise you in this storm
    and i will lift my hands
    for you are who you are no matter where i am and every tear i've cried you hold in your hand you've never left my side
    and though my heart is torn
    i'll praise you in this storm
    i remember when i stumbled in the wind
    you heard my cry
    you raised me up again
    but my strength is almost gone
    how can i carry on
    if i can't find you
    but as the thunder rolls
    i barely hear you whisper through the rain i'm with you
    and as your mercy falls
    i raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
    and i'll praise you in this storm and i will lift my hands
    for you are who you are no matter where i am and every tear i've cried you hold in your hand
    you've never left my side
    and though my heart is torn
    i will praise you in this storm
    i lift my eyes unto the hills
    where does my help come from
    my help comes from the LORD the Maker of heaven and earth
    i lift my eyes unto the hills
    where does my help come from
    my help comes from the LORD the Maker of heaven and earth
    and i will praise you in this storm and i will lift my hand
    for you are who you are no matter where i am every tear i cry you hold in your hand you never left my side
    and though my heart is torn
    i'll praise you in this storm
    -casting crowns

    Marylu-
    i heard this song today and immediately thought of you. I pray that God will continue to show himself faithful to you and your family over the coming days and that He would ease your pain.

    Karissa Weaver

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  9. Out of your deepest pain is birthed a ministry,a message,a gift, is redemption....

    God bless you and keep you and your family as you continue on.

    Thank-you for sharing your pain and grief on your journey.
    Humbly I read and marvel.

    Verna

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  10. your blog inspires and makes many think..
    sometimes we forget the marvel of God..
    then reading your writings of pain and the Glory of God, we are reminded again.
    You may not realize it, but you are helping others as much as they are helping you!
    Your writings are beautiful and so human.
    I ache for you and wish things could have turned out differently!
    God Bless you and your family..
    Linda Devlin

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  11. Your honesty, your desire to accept God's will...and choose trust, is so inspiring! Thank you for writing...I am deeply touched once again. I'm praying for all of you.
    May God's peace preserve you,
    Charlene

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  12. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family!

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  13. Marylu, I love what you wrote in your post about fear. It's so true. I remember my biggest fear was losing a parent. When it happened and God's grace was there for me in the midst of the fear and uncertainty, suddenly the future didn't seem as scary and I realized with God I can face anything and will still be ok. Thanks for again sharing your heart and know that I'm praying for you.

    It was so good seeing you today and getting to know Marlea a bit! I wish I would've known Kira too. I'm looking forward to seeing you on Monday. I don't make idle threats so you better be there!

    Love you much,
    Kay

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  14. Fear! It keeps me from so much! I am praying for you my friend and know that God is keeping you and guiding you. I pray that you will continue to let Him teach you.

    Debbie & (Charlie)

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