Fear

Fear-we all fear something. Some of us fear having an accident, an earthquake, a house-fire, or another natural disaster. Some of us fear people-their opinions, what they might think of us, what they might do to us. A lot of us fear not being good enough for ourselves, or our child or husband not being good enough for someone. Most of us fear change. A lot of mothers fear for their child's safety. Whether the child is an infant, toddler, adolescent, teeneager, etc. For me, my worst fear was that something would happen to my child. I was always more afraid of something happening to Kira-she was so unpredictable. In plain reality-it happened to me in front of my eyes. I can feel the terror realizing she lost her breath, of picking her up and yelling at her, hoping it's just a seizure. I look back and see the events folding out in front of me and yet they were so subtle that many mothers would have missed them. What's worse is even if I would have known, we would have had the same outcome. The thought feels full of fear, scary-what if it would happen again, would I know the second time? I look back again as thoughts roll through my head like a roller coaster. I feel the terror of realizing I need to do something. I feel the terror of yelling at Marlea to get the phone, calling the operator and asking her to help me remember CPR. My heart feels the terror of knowing that it is my child I have to breathe into-something I always hoped I would never have to do. I feel the terror of realizing she is dying infront of my eyes and I am alone. I cry out in terror and fear to God to save my sweet little girl. My heart feels the relief of hearing my neighbors come in - who I was praying would come when they hear the scanner. The fear in my heart is overwhelming by now and I am nearly losing my sanity but I keep helping wanting to touch and help my child. My terror only multiplies as the ambulance comes and whisks her off to the hospital. I run out the door behind them throwing their bags in the back and Merlin hastily kisses me and jumps in the front. I go back into the house and scream in fear. More fear than I have ever known in my life. God, please do something. I can't do this...I cried out to him aloud, screaming, yelling, thrashing.

That was only the start of my fear. Slowly I began to realize that God is here with me. My fear culminated on Tuesday when we made the heart-wrending decision to let her go peacefully... decisions I feared. Fear seemed to consume me as the end came. God calmed my fear with his presence. He let me feel his presence in a real way. When there was nothing left in me - way down at the bottom, God was there. I will never again say there is something I can't do - nothing seems hard anymore. Even my fear of death is gone forever. Suddenly I find myself with nothing to fear. If God cared for me in my worst fear - he will care for me in all my other worries. I still encounter them, but they flee when I remind myself of God's care in my deepest agony. I picture it as a balloon filled with fear and only a little space left for God tied in the knot. What if we could learn to fill the balloon with God and leave the fear tied in the knot. 2 Timothy 1:17 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Funny he puts the sound mind at the end after the words "power" and "love."

Merlin reminded me of Kira's favorite song when she rode in the truck with him-"Everything is going to be alright in Christ." She always joined in for the "in Christ" part. I think of that as I go thru the days. It's so true.

Life goes on for us. Merlin pretty much remains the same. Marlea keeps changing, definitely healing. I see more and more of the real, used to be Marlea coming back. It's wonderful and also helps me feel more normal. Anna is practicing walking and I so much wish Kira would be here to help her. I can just see her taking her hand and walking with her.

Thanks for caring, praying, loving, and understanding us in our pain.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna