Who Am I?

Who am I? I am a wife and a mother of three girls. Two here and one in heaven. But, really I am not mothering my second-born anymore. When Kira was born I had a fairly big adjustment. With one child I was able to still do some cleaning and managed to keep after the office things fairly well. I could still answer the phone without guests thinking this is also daycare. With two girls, I had to make some changes and couldn't manage everything without more help. As Kira grew I hardly knew how to handle her energy. Also she was up a lot at night, so I was tired. It got to the point where I couldn't sleep anymore. I sought some advice and direction in how to deal with myself. I adapted to her and that worked much better. In doing that, I changed - mostly for the better and learned to live life as it comes instead of thinking I had to have it all figured out. That obviously wasn't working with my unpredictable child. I learned to enjoy her, laugh at her craziness-even join in. In that I became more crazy and carefree myself which was more how I used to be when I was a child. Maybe she reminded me of who I used to be? Now that she is no longer here with us I find myself wondering who I really am. How can I still be that person without her? I loved that person...no sadness, no heartaches, totally carefree. I lived each day at at time - I had learned not to plan tomorrow for tomorrow will plan itself. Now, I laugh - but under it I feel a lump and so much sadness my heart wants to die. I feel like my heart will hurt forever. My carefree attitude seems gone like a vapor, just like Kira. I think of tomorrow and think "Oh no, I will feel the pain tomorrow just like I do today, maybe worse." What do I do with all these lessons life has taught me? They are shaping my life whether or not I like it. Do I let them, or do I rebel and run? Is there any possible way to combine and balance who I am becoming and who I was? But, I don't like this new person...I don't want to be her...I don't want anything to do with her. It's not my choice, not my life, not my day tomorrow. God doesn't mind being patient with me. He will bring beauty out of what seems to be ashes to me. And so I relax in the arms of my heavenly Father. It seems so easy... yet so very, very hard. The amount of pain and confusion that go with it are beyond words. I feel like the Israelites in the Bible who wandered around in the wilderness for forty years looking for the promised land. They had the tabernacle of God with them for direction and it had four corners, just like my Bible does. I could say more about that; just read about it too. The sermon was about the Tabernacle this Sunday at church and it made so much sense to me in ways it never had before. Most of all, I am thankful for God's Word!

Last night at supper, Merlin threatened to eat all the rest of the ice cream. All of a sudden I could hear Kira saying: "Mia(her name for Marlea), Ki-ki eat whole thing!" Marlea would scream in terror and anger and Kira would of course be delighted, with her mission accomplished. I don't remember what all she threatened to eat but I am sure it was something Marlea really liked! I can still see the look on Kira's face...

As you can tell, the pain goes on. Please pray that we will not grow weary, but be strong in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. Merlin continues to improve and we are all enjoying our Daddy very much. It's been long! Please pray that his health continues to improve. He has a long way to go, but we praise God for the progress.

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea and Anna