The Circle

The grieving process seems to be a circle. It goes around and around, and never stops. It pauses briefly at each feeling - sometimes the feeling lasts a week before it continues. The main factors in this circle include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They begin to feel like part of my life... and I am not sure that I like it. At first these factors were visitors and I embraced them because it seemed like the hospitable thing to do. But to stay - I didn't invite them to stay, let alone become a ongoing circle. So I decided to talk to God about them last week. God gently - oh, so gently encouraged me to slide one out of the circle and see what happens. Ironically I find myself starting with "denial." This particular visitor can really throw me out of shape. It makes tears come in torrents. And it makes anger come in bushels. Denial finds me bargaining with God-if only I had done this or that Kira wouldn't have died. It sends me spiraling into depression. Weeks later I come floating back up to the facts of life and acceptance. So I am trying to replace denial with God's grace. When I feel it in my face - I calmly think of the events leading up to Kira's death and say: "God, this is part of my life now. Part of my memories. I can't do this by myself-God. But, with your grace I am okay with it. It did happen and it is alright". And so I am able to stare denial in the face and say: "you know, I am tired of being in denial. You tell me things that aren't true and I choose to replace you with God's grace." I can testify that it is working. Maybe later on God will nudge me to slide another one out. Perhaps removing denial destroys the circle and the rest will need to leave and be replaced with other attributes of God. I haven't figured it out yet.

I had a chance to put my words to practice last week. We went back to Hershey Medical Center and had a meeting with Kira's doctor, nurse, and the PICU counselor. It was good and very hard at the same time. I dreaded going back; the day before our visit God gave us three specific happenings that were totally overwhelming, making it much easier to go back. We thank God for these three people and for the influence God has had through them. We had some questions for Kira's doctor and received the same inconclusive answers. We find ourselves grappling for reasons - but there aren't any. The situation was unavoidable. In a way that inevitability makes it easier because there is simply no way to associate blame. The visit did bring back unsettling memories and lots of tense muscles. We are still trying to un-string the muscles. The visit was hard on Marlea but she really enjoyed it. Not many kids get to see inside the PICU at Hershey! It has made a life-long impression on her. She hooks up all kinds of stuff to her dolls' mouths. Anna was okay, but also ready to leave. After her nap later in the day, she spent about an hour walking around the house screaming - just for fun. I guess it was her way of getting it out of her system because after that she acted okay and happy. It also made us reflect again on the faithfulness of God those days in the hospital. We literally felt like he was with us in the room with Kira. And the truth of the matter?... He was!

Marlea's birthday is tomorrow. She was so sad tonight about not having Kira on her birthday. Please pray that God will feel close to her tomorrow and that we can have a good day. It will be hard for Merlin and I too. The girls and I have a tradition of decorating the cake together and we had so much fun doing Kira's in February. Merlin has been feeling better again the last several days and we thank God for that. Thanks for your prayers!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna