Monday, August 31, 2009

The Circle

The grieving process seems to be a circle. It goes around and around, and never stops. It pauses briefly at each feeling - sometimes the feeling lasts a week before it continues. The main factors in this circle include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They begin to feel like part of my life... and I am not sure that I like it. At first these factors were visitors and I embraced them because it seemed like the hospitable thing to do. But to stay - I didn't invite them to stay, let alone become a ongoing circle. So I decided to talk to God about them last week. God gently - oh, so gently encouraged me to slide one out of the circle and see what happens. Ironically I find myself starting with "denial." This particular visitor can really throw me out of shape. It makes tears come in torrents. And it makes anger come in bushels. Denial finds me bargaining with God-if only I had done this or that Kira wouldn't have died. It sends me spiraling into depression. Weeks later I come floating back up to the facts of life and acceptance. So I am trying to replace denial with God's grace. When I feel it in my face - I calmly think of the events leading up to Kira's death and say: "God, this is part of my life now. Part of my memories. I can't do this by myself-God. But, with your grace I am okay with it. It did happen and it is alright". And so I am able to stare denial in the face and say: "you know, I am tired of being in denial. You tell me things that aren't true and I choose to replace you with God's grace." I can testify that it is working. Maybe later on God will nudge me to slide another one out. Perhaps removing denial destroys the circle and the rest will need to leave and be replaced with other attributes of God. I haven't figured it out yet.

I had a chance to put my words to practice last week. We went back to Hershey Medical Center and had a meeting with Kira's doctor, nurse, and the PICU counselor. It was good and very hard at the same time. I dreaded going back; the day before our visit God gave us three specific happenings that were totally overwhelming, making it much easier to go back. We thank God for these three people and for the influence God has had through them. We had some questions for Kira's doctor and received the same inconclusive answers. We find ourselves grappling for reasons - but there aren't any. The situation was unavoidable. In a way that inevitability makes it easier because there is simply no way to associate blame. The visit did bring back unsettling memories and lots of tense muscles. We are still trying to un-string the muscles. The visit was hard on Marlea but she really enjoyed it. Not many kids get to see inside the PICU at Hershey! It has made a life-long impression on her. She hooks up all kinds of stuff to her dolls' mouths. Anna was okay, but also ready to leave. After her nap later in the day, she spent about an hour walking around the house screaming - just for fun. I guess it was her way of getting it out of her system because after that she acted okay and happy. It also made us reflect again on the faithfulness of God those days in the hospital. We literally felt like he was with us in the room with Kira. And the truth of the matter?... He was!

Marlea's birthday is tomorrow. She was so sad tonight about not having Kira on her birthday. Please pray that God will feel close to her tomorrow and that we can have a good day. It will be hard for Merlin and I too. The girls and I have a tradition of decorating the cake together and we had so much fun doing Kira's in February. Merlin has been feeling better again the last several days and we thank God for that. Thanks for your prayers!

Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna

9 comments:

  1. Marylu, I don't know if you remember me. We were together at FB for a few weeks in '98. I am Lolita (Yoder) Hershberger, living in Poland for the last eight years. I have been following this blog and am often moved to tears as I read. I commit you to our Abba Father and pray that you would be bathed in His grace. Marlea's grief is one of the most heartbreaking things. I plan to find your address and have my girls send a card to her, from Poland.

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  2. Mary Lou

    As I read this blog,my mental picture was there hearing and seeing you and Merlin and Marlea engaging with the Hershey Medical personel. Especially with the Dr. I know and feel the denial as well and it is painful. As I read, my thoughts went to Jesus as He wrestled with denial in the Garden of Gethsemane. Can we fathom the deep of His pain?

    Love and care,Dad

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  3. I had a dream the other nite that I met u, Marylo,somewhere (altho I don't recall where) and i remember hugging and telling u how i often think of u and pray for u. When i awoke i thot', "God, why don't i tell her how i pray that You would be her comfort and peace in each moment." So altho we don't know each other well..my heart has grieved for u all many times-in reading your blog and in having Alexa at Hershey in July- I often thot of how your heart must have torn wide open in that hospital and on that same floor. may our GREAT GOD sustain u and your family. Lena(Chet) Stoltzfus

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  4. Dear Marylou, i am continually amazed at the gift you have for putting feelings into words so clearly! The whole thing about the circle - it makes such perfect sense, yet seems so profound that i'm amazed to see it in words. It seems even more profound to be able to stare "denial" in the face, and tell it you are replacing it with God's grace. Wow! I am encouraged by your testimony and admire your strength. Still praying...
    all my love, trina

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  5. We have to admit life in this world will never be safe or predictable, we may discover that's because we were made for another place. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?...Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put yur hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psa. 42:2, 5-6 Mary N.

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  6. We have been thinking of you so much the last week or so again as time crosses the 6 month mark of Kira going to be with Jesus. Loved how you described removing denial and replacing it with Gods grace. How we need His grace to get through life! May you continue to feel His everlasting arms around you. We care....Marian & Naaman

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  7. Thanks Marylou for that post I have read it many times and didn't understand what you were saying. Somehow I thought I was that visitor. (I know very silly) Charlie read it and shared its meaning with me. I don't know how I could have misunderstood. The Lord has you on my mind all the time. I am praying for you and love you.

    Debbie

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  8. Thanks for sharing your heart. I remember struggling for some time with grief over our son who is special needs. I felt guilty becuase of "the circle" that keeps going round and round. Many years later we still deal with the circle of grief. C.S. Lewis said it well,
    "In grief, nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats."

    I believe God designs us in such a way that this cicle, painful as it may be, drives us to Him. When we hold to His hand, then and only then, can we come through the circle of grief in victory.

    Praying for you as "everything repeats."

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