One evening when I was filled with pain, I opened my devotional and found these words from Ephesians 3:17-20: "I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." I want this. I want to know, experience, and to have Christ at home in my heart. I want roots - deep, long, unmovable ones. I want to understand - and yet the Bible says I never will fully. I want the power, the boldness, the energy that goes with it. I want God to be glorified.
As I repeatedly read this passage I cried and cried. I don't understand the things God has allowed into our lives. But neither do I understand the love God has for me, as His child. And His love is so much greater then anything else I know. The small taste I have and know about is that if I really can grasp that God loves me like this, anything that happens in life will be okay, because with love God has my best in mind. But I am human and so little compared to God. So therefore, I will never quite get it? And yet I read - then I will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. I chose again to love, to believe, to trust.
At the mountains this past weekend I was reminded of Kira so much. One picture in my mind that I have of her is - she was out in the lawn, a huge lawn following her daddy who was playing a game. Nothing else mattered except trotting after him. So what that there were other children and things to play with. It was daddy she wanted to be with so it didn't matter how long or hard she had to walk. On the flip side I think of this and it reminds me vividly of the loss of this picture for Merlin and I. But I enjoy the memory. It is embedded in my mind, and it reminds me of what I want to be like with my heavenly Father....
Thanks so much for praying for us again this past weekend. I can say it was probably one of the most draining emotional times for numerous reasons, and yet I so strongly felt the love of God, and His grace. We could feel your prayers, we could feel God. Marlea didn't seem to think it was a big deal because Kira was there anyway. Sometime we will understand more and I know we will be surprised.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
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...memories are a mix of pain/pleasure - a longing to go back when 'all was right' & yet remembering again the simplicity of those times. Ah, THANK GOD we cannot see the future...it would just simply be too hard! 'Grace, grace, God's grace...'
ReplyDeleteMy love - Esther
Marylu,
ReplyDeleteSat down today and read a lot of the blog. Hadn't done that for awhile. God is shaping you into an amazing, beautiful, wise woman.
I liked the thread of "sunshine" throughout the blog; liked noting that Kira's name means sun. I asked God for something out of Isaiah for you and He gave me 30:26 NIV.
"The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted."
Thanks for reminding me to be grateful for my children. To be grateful when I see small yellow pools around the base of the toilet and think, "God, I've been following after his pee for 14 yrs now!" To be grateful when I've asked her to go to bed ten times and she's still puttering.
Praying for your family, for precious Marlea and Anna, for Merlin's continued healing.
Cousin Lydia Lapp Martin
MaryLu:
ReplyDeleteThank you for this beautiful reflection. God is indeed home in your heart and God is glorified through you and r poerful messages.
Lee Tucker
It's amazing how God orchestrates. The verse you quoted is the very verse that one of the ladies that spoke at a conference I went to on the Saturday before you wrote this, quoted over and over and over. Coincidence that we heard the same thing around the same time? I think not!
ReplyDeleteRhonda
Dear Marylu, All these months have gone by, and I didn't know that you were blogging about all the memories, pain, and deep heart-wrenching sorrow. I took the time to catch up in one sitting, and my heart ACHES for you and the tears fill my eyes. Your story is a poignant reminder to me to NEVER complain about my kids, but thank God for them every day. Kira reminds me so much of Erika, my three year old...so naughty and frustrating and so fun! Marylu, I'm so blessed by your honesty and openness, and by how God is speaking TRUTH into your heart. He is faithful in giving you pictures of His love and more memories of Kira. I believe that one day you will know and declare that God is also a healer, even tho. you or I cannot understand how a pain as deep as yours could ever be healed. Someday we'll understand. I love you, Marylu!! Elmina
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