Reality - the totality of real things and events. Reality is a part of our lives. The gift of shock is leaving and true life is setting in. Reality is my companion all day. Sometimes I meet it around the corner; sometimes it stares at me from an empty car seat. Or the absence of a little girl to put in the grocery cart. Reality lets me sleep, but awakes me in the morning with the feeling of a brick hitting my stomach. As a result, I find myself waking up with clenched fists, a tired heart, and knots wove around my stomach. Today it visited me in the form of hearing a three year old girl spot her daddy in church. She said "There's da-da". I turned around expecting to see Kira but alas, I was met with a dose of reality instead. Reality met me after church as I visited her grave. The stark reality of her lifeless shell, the shell that I loved and cherished, being six feet under-untouchable to my mother hands. Tonight it greeted me as I ate cinnamon rolls that had been in the freezer, the last ones I made while Kira was here. Sometimes it comes in the form as small as a sock that fit her foot. A sock she had wistfully picked out at Bass Outlet last winter with crazy penquins hugging all over it. Sometimes in a tiny clip that kept many fine hairs off her face. I grab it and stick it in my own hair, wanting to take with me something that was her's. Sometimes it comes at me when I hear Marlea say: "Daddy, hold me" - favorite words of the one I miss. Last night reality was my companion as I rocked Anna. Reality met me in memories of rocking Kira to sleep singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" softly at bedtime. Reality to me last week and probably for a while will not be kind to me. Sometimes it comes in the form of the awfulness of seeing my child slipping away in front of me with what you and I would think were flu-like symptoms. It cuts like a knife; doctors say her sickness was inevitable, but the terror is still there, the reality of the experience. I want to run, but if I would it would be there too. I cry, I pray, I trust but reality is still here. And so, I stare at it head-on. I dare it to destroy me, to fill my life with pain forever. I dare it to kill my desire to live. I dare it to make me dwell in the past for the next fifty years. When I am finished daring it, I embrace it because it is real. Because therein I find a peace that only my Heavenly Father can give me. A peace that will help me live out of who He wants me to be and not who I think I should be or what my family should be. A peace that comes from knowing that it will be okay eventually because God can bring beauty out of our ashes and rags. A peace that comes from experiencing His grace in a tangible way. Because of the amounts of grace we have experienced, we are convinced that God's other attributes are awesome as well- mercy, truth, faithfulness, love, peace. They must be flowing in abundance! To claim them as part of our lives means we are not able to live on our own...we need God-we are small and needy.
Merlin's birthday is tomorrow. A another first for us without Kira. Then yet his birthday. Please pray that we will claim God's grace for us - especially tomorrow. The girls usually helped me make the cake and we made a party out of it. Tomorrow it will be only Marlea and I and we will have fun anyway. The last cake we decorated was Kira's and we really enjoyed it! Pray that our daddy will feel God's love for us on his birthday.
A few months ago I asked Kira how she knows I love her. She replied without hesitation: "Because you give me kisses". I had asked Marlea the same question at around the same age and she replied without hesitation: "Because you read me books". Love the children God has entrusted into your care. Give them kisses if that is what they want. Be Jesus to your children...I wish too but He holds mine tonight. Every night I whisper in my tears: "Jesus, please go get Kira and give her kisses for me". I trust Him and so I believe He does.
As always, thanks so much for all the prayers, love, and care we feel in so many ways.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Kira-who she was
Kira, meaning light/sun was born on February 6, 2006. We were absolutely thrilled to have another little girl. Marlea was so protective and loved her right away. She didn't stay little long at all. By the time she was six weeks old she looked more like three months. It didn't take long until we figured out that she was going to be tall and fairly aggressive. By five months she was sliding out of our laps and onto the floor to roll to where she wanted to go - which was usually Marlea's dollhouse. She would roll all over the floor and was soon sliding and wiggling like a little snake all over the house. Her clothes were dirty from the tip of her chin down to her toes. She filled out lives with joy and sunshine. Her main object in life soon became well known which was going outside. Anytime the door went open she was right there. At eight months old she had mastered going up and down stairs with ease. Once, I couldn't find her anywhere and finally found her upstairs in the inn exploring the hallway. She had somehow pried the unlatched door open and was off to explore. When she started walking she became a nightmare to watch closely. We live right by a state route and outside our door is the parking lot for the inn. I had to constantly be right there otherwise fearing she would get run over. When I mowed yard, her favorite dare was seeing how close she could get to the road til I ran for her. It frightened me terribly and she knew it. Once I found her in the store next door just looking to see what she could find. One morning I went outside and there she was already, playing. After that, we put chains on the doors. Not to keep people out, but to keep the little people in that were supposed to be inside. She was so tall that opening doors, reaching up into drawers, and other things were no problem at all. She loved to push the stroller, not ride in it. Why would you ride when you can drive? In church why would you be quiet when you could be screaming? By the time she was two she had calmed down a lot; she and Marlea were playing together more. Marlea patiently taught her to play doll and dollhouse. They had lots of fights and lots of fun. We learned quickly to keep Kira's fingernails trimmed because they were her weapons. Kira had tons of energy and could easily keep up with Marlea. One of my favorite memories is last summer one night she pushed (ran) the Little Tykes shopping cart up and down the hill again and again, just full of life. When Anna was born, Kira was so helpful. She was always the first to run when Anna cried. She drove us nuts sometimes, but I always said she will be a good mother. She loved to play jail and would say "I put you in jail - whole house jail". Sometimes she would put chairs around me in the kitchen and declare me in jail. Kira was also very soft hearted and sometimes sweetly shy. She was a early riser and would often wake up the other two. She called herself by her daddy's nickname for her "Kiki" up until the last week. Then she proudly said "Kir-da". She was my little helper, often cleaned out the dishwasher for me, helped with wash, tried to mow lawn, helped run the sweeper. She had just started going to Sunday School and was so proud of it. She was becoming a little lady and was so beautiful. We discovered she grew three inches again in the last three months. She was easily headed for over six feet tall. The troubles of life were just starting to bother her. Whenever she heard the sirens she would run to her bed, kneel and pray fervently. She was worried when she got dressed, making sure things matched. She was crazily energized and yet organized. Her birthday cards were very important to her and she took them to bed every night and in the morning she put them in her doll stroller. When I found them they were in order of importance, ours being first. Her hair was brown with reddish highlights and shone red in the sun, living up to her name. She was a very trusting child, never second guessing her daddy. I can still see her looking up at him, drinking in every word he said.
I could go on and on but I won't, this being long already. I hope this gives somewhat of a picture of her three years, enables you to feel our pain, and gives you direction in your prayers for us. The hole we feel is so real, but God's grace is also. The way Kira lived is the way I want to be: do things with my whole heart, full of joy, without distractions, fully trusting my heavenly Father. Ironically, Anna's name means grace and she is definitely living up to it. She has already taken over cleaning out the dishwasher and actually helps! God's grace seems real to us through her.
This week was somewhat easier. We had more energy and Merlin was feeling better. Marlea is getting used to playing by herself and Anna is learning how to irritate her better. Makes more noise, which is nice. Our new normal is slowly forming and we find ourselves hating it and yet it has to come. With it comes reality and the shock is wearing off.
On the humorous side we were in the ER again this week. Tuesday night Marlea got a little ball stuck in her ear and we could not get it out. So in we went again. She thought it was really nice to see where Kira was first and where Daddy had been. She liked all the nurses and the doctor and came home happy, secure, and tired (it was 12:30a.m. by then). We just couldn't believe that we had to go there again! Maybe she needed to see it and God knew we would never take her there? You just have to wonder what He had in mind!
Continue lifting us to the throne...pray that as time goes on we will not tire of being real and again and again claiming God's grace for us. I am thankful tonight for Jesus, his gift of death on the cross means life in heaven for our daughter. I feel His tears falling on me as I bow in sorrow at the foot of the cross.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
I could go on and on but I won't, this being long already. I hope this gives somewhat of a picture of her three years, enables you to feel our pain, and gives you direction in your prayers for us. The hole we feel is so real, but God's grace is also. The way Kira lived is the way I want to be: do things with my whole heart, full of joy, without distractions, fully trusting my heavenly Father. Ironically, Anna's name means grace and she is definitely living up to it. She has already taken over cleaning out the dishwasher and actually helps! God's grace seems real to us through her.
This week was somewhat easier. We had more energy and Merlin was feeling better. Marlea is getting used to playing by herself and Anna is learning how to irritate her better. Makes more noise, which is nice. Our new normal is slowly forming and we find ourselves hating it and yet it has to come. With it comes reality and the shock is wearing off.
On the humorous side we were in the ER again this week. Tuesday night Marlea got a little ball stuck in her ear and we could not get it out. So in we went again. She thought it was really nice to see where Kira was first and where Daddy had been. She liked all the nurses and the doctor and came home happy, secure, and tired (it was 12:30a.m. by then). We just couldn't believe that we had to go there again! Maybe she needed to see it and God knew we would never take her there? You just have to wonder what He had in mind!
Continue lifting us to the throne...pray that as time goes on we will not tire of being real and again and again claiming God's grace for us. I am thankful tonight for Jesus, his gift of death on the cross means life in heaven for our daughter. I feel His tears falling on me as I bow in sorrow at the foot of the cross.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Jesus through the eyes of a child
We say we can't see God - that we trust without sight. We talk about the faith of a child, and read in the Bible that our faith should be like that of a child. The Bible talks about children coming to Jesus in absolute trust. The Bible doesn't talk about children dying. Do they just go Home with Jesus when they die? In my mother heart I fear that she is lonely for us, her parents, and for her sisters. When she was here, did she long for Jesus? When she was conceived, born, did I feel like a stranger to her? As an adult, I asked Jesus to come into my heart. Before a child's innocence is gone is Jesus just there, real and touchable? How good it must feel to a child when we treat them as Jesus does. No wonder they get hurt so easily, are so vulnerable, and say things we think are funny. A lot of things that take us hours to process takes them a moment - they are so clear and real to them. Is that because Jesus is a part of them? Can we see God more by listening to them?
Here are some of my experiences from this week:
Wednesday afternoon I was very sad. I cried and cried. Marlea was angry because she didn't have any playmate. I thought maybe doing something normal would be helpful; so I started sewing and Marlea sat beside me threading buttons, playing with playdough, all things her and Kira used to do together.
This is from Marlea's perspective:
Mommy was so sad again, with big tears falling down like raindrops. Her tears keep getting in my hair, I wish she would stop crying. I ask "Mommy, why are you crying?" "Because I am so sad about Kira" she says. I stop a bit and remember last night. Maybe I should tell Mommy about it. "Mommy, last night Kira came down from heaven again and slept with me. Her wings were too big to get into bed so she hung them on the hook where her pj's used to be. She cuddled up beside me like always. Her wings are white and she had a pink robe on again. Mommy, I miss Kira but I am glad Jesus sends her to me at night. Mommy, I had more dreams too." My mommy looks down at me hopefully. Feeling the urge to talk I go on. "A while ago I saw Jesus. He was so full of...Glory! He told me to tell my mommy not to be sad." My mommy stops and stares at me. "He said the Kira is going to come back." Then I get a funny look on my face and say "I think Kira is going to come out of the grave." Maybe if I say something a little funny, she will believe the Jesus part because I know she is supposed to. My mommy cries even more but now she looks happy. Jesus tells me that I need to help my mommy trust Him more and now I feel so happy because I finally gave her that message. Maybe now she will be happy and be able to understand that Kira is just in heaven. That's really not that far away and I would like to go there to play with Kira.
From Mom again:
Here is me, God. Here I was so worried about Marlea and You are taking care of me through her. Again I stand in awe of a God who created this big universe and put us inside. On Friday after a rainstorm, half a rainbow was visible, with our house under the middle of the arch....thanks for that promise, God! A God who is big enough to take care of broken little hearts and broken big hearts. A God who loves and knows us, His children. A God who cries with me and sends me touches of heaven through the people and things around us, especially as was shown this week through loving support.
The physical part of us was much better this week. Thanks so much for all your prayers. God obviously hears those prayers, because Sunday afternoon Merlin started feeling better and has been feeling somewhat better since. We are hoping that through this all maybe he can get to the root of his health problems that have been going on for years. Please pray that until then, he will not have any more episodes like the past one and that he will be able to function. We also continue to pray for his whole healing.
I have had this verse in the girl's bedroom since Marlea was born. "Let the children come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 19:14
Merlin, Marylu, Marlea, and Anna
Here are some of my experiences from this week:
Wednesday afternoon I was very sad. I cried and cried. Marlea was angry because she didn't have any playmate. I thought maybe doing something normal would be helpful; so I started sewing and Marlea sat beside me threading buttons, playing with playdough, all things her and Kira used to do together.
This is from Marlea's perspective:
Mommy was so sad again, with big tears falling down like raindrops. Her tears keep getting in my hair, I wish she would stop crying. I ask "Mommy, why are you crying?" "Because I am so sad about Kira" she says. I stop a bit and remember last night. Maybe I should tell Mommy about it. "Mommy, last night Kira came down from heaven again and slept with me. Her wings were too big to get into bed so she hung them on the hook where her pj's used to be. She cuddled up beside me like always. Her wings are white and she had a pink robe on again. Mommy, I miss Kira but I am glad Jesus sends her to me at night. Mommy, I had more dreams too." My mommy looks down at me hopefully. Feeling the urge to talk I go on. "A while ago I saw Jesus. He was so full of...Glory! He told me to tell my mommy not to be sad." My mommy stops and stares at me. "He said the Kira is going to come back." Then I get a funny look on my face and say "I think Kira is going to come out of the grave." Maybe if I say something a little funny, she will believe the Jesus part because I know she is supposed to. My mommy cries even more but now she looks happy. Jesus tells me that I need to help my mommy trust Him more and now I feel so happy because I finally gave her that message. Maybe now she will be happy and be able to understand that Kira is just in heaven. That's really not that far away and I would like to go there to play with Kira.
From Mom again:
Here is me, God. Here I was so worried about Marlea and You are taking care of me through her. Again I stand in awe of a God who created this big universe and put us inside. On Friday after a rainstorm, half a rainbow was visible, with our house under the middle of the arch....thanks for that promise, God! A God who is big enough to take care of broken little hearts and broken big hearts. A God who loves and knows us, His children. A God who cries with me and sends me touches of heaven through the people and things around us, especially as was shown this week through loving support.
The physical part of us was much better this week. Thanks so much for all your prayers. God obviously hears those prayers, because Sunday afternoon Merlin started feeling better and has been feeling somewhat better since. We are hoping that through this all maybe he can get to the root of his health problems that have been going on for years. Please pray that until then, he will not have any more episodes like the past one and that he will be able to function. We also continue to pray for his whole healing.
I have had this verse in the girl's bedroom since Marlea was born. "Let the children come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 19:14
Merlin, Marylu, Marlea, and Anna
Saturday, March 28, 2009
To love a child
When a mother gives birth to a child, there is a part of her that is never the same again. One chooses to love, to care for this child that God has given. Love is a dare. Dare to love well and unconditional. Dare to love even when it will hurt. Dare to love even though life is unpredictable. Dare to love when it could be taken away. Dare to love when you have no true idea of how this child will be. Dare to love even when the cute baby stage is over. Dare to promise to love forever! When Kira was born, Merlin held her first and I thought they were never going to get finished talking to each other. I watched in amazement as they bonded. They understood each other after that like only a father and daughter can. This was the second girl for Merlin, and he now was comfortable being a father. Together we loved her, cared for her, and met her needs. She was sweet, innocent, and joyful. Marlea and I sang "You are my Sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray...." She was, she brought us sunshine. Only last week did I realize that her name actually meant a form of the sun. The one thing Merlin and I both keep coming back to time and time again is how we loved her so well. She wasn't an easy child, she was so energetic and lots of times drove our nerves over the edge. But she was Kira, she was ours - we loved her. All this to say this week we were contemplating all this. In the hospital, as I held her and gave her back to Jesus on February 24, I was able to say with all my heart: "God - here is Kira, I give her back to You. Thanks for letting me love her and care for her. You enabled me to love her well. I learned a lot from her in her birth, her life, and now her death. I give now give her back to you, well loved." I think of this so often, and the miracle of having no regrets in loving her. Only this week did it dawn on us that if it is this hard for us to give our child back to God, how hard it must really be for God to have given her to us. I knew when I gave Kira back to Him that He will care for her needs to the utmost. He knew I couldn't be perfect, and yet He gave her to us anyway! I feel so honored to be trusted by a God who is perfect!
This week was extremely hard for us. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Tuesday Merlin was sick and we ended up in the ER at LGH for a couple hours. They gave him fluids, pain med, and oxygen and discharged him, for which we were thankful. We were not into a hospital stay! We spent the next two hours at Merlin's doctor. We were so thankful for his input. He apparently had a blocked stomach. He has been getting better although is still not back to normal. Whatever normal is! It's hard to be okay with one's emotional state when there is physical pain also. His stomach is better but yet he isn't better. This time of the year is always bad for him so it's hard to know what the problem really is. Marlea wasn't feeling the best again and I spent Wednesday on the couch too. Marlea and Anna have been up some at night. I am lacking sleep.
It was really hard for us to be back in at LGH again. The good thing is that one of the nurses that took care or Kira came and talked with me. Thanks so much, Steph! We had not thought much about LGH and our feelings from being there. I was scared to go to LGH again, felt like I was reliving it in some ways and then yet dealing with trying not to be too frightened about Merlin. The terror I felt walking into the ER expecting Kira to not be living anymore and then the hope I felt after I saw her lying there pink came back to me. The dare to hope for life that we felt and then to in the end give her to Jesus for life in heaven was so real and yet so unreal. So confusing and heartwrenching again. It's made me dream the past several nights and wake up full of hope only to realize that it's not true. The valley of denial, grief, anger, shock feels like it started all over again. I say this because I feel weak, worn, and battered. I cry out to Him again and again in anguish, my mother heart full of pain and loneliness for Kira. I am human, with a human mind and I can't see His or know His whole plan for us, for Marlea, for Anna. Again because He has shown me without a doubt that He is God, I choose to trust my heavenly Father who loves me and gave His own Son for me.
We say thanks again this week for your prayers and care for us. It feels like touches of love from Jesus to us. Touches we feel very much. Pray that we will slumber peacefully. Pray for Merlin's physical healing. Pray that we will know how to guide Marlea.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
This week was extremely hard for us. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Tuesday Merlin was sick and we ended up in the ER at LGH for a couple hours. They gave him fluids, pain med, and oxygen and discharged him, for which we were thankful. We were not into a hospital stay! We spent the next two hours at Merlin's doctor. We were so thankful for his input. He apparently had a blocked stomach. He has been getting better although is still not back to normal. Whatever normal is! It's hard to be okay with one's emotional state when there is physical pain also. His stomach is better but yet he isn't better. This time of the year is always bad for him so it's hard to know what the problem really is. Marlea wasn't feeling the best again and I spent Wednesday on the couch too. Marlea and Anna have been up some at night. I am lacking sleep.
It was really hard for us to be back in at LGH again. The good thing is that one of the nurses that took care or Kira came and talked with me. Thanks so much, Steph! We had not thought much about LGH and our feelings from being there. I was scared to go to LGH again, felt like I was reliving it in some ways and then yet dealing with trying not to be too frightened about Merlin. The terror I felt walking into the ER expecting Kira to not be living anymore and then the hope I felt after I saw her lying there pink came back to me. The dare to hope for life that we felt and then to in the end give her to Jesus for life in heaven was so real and yet so unreal. So confusing and heartwrenching again. It's made me dream the past several nights and wake up full of hope only to realize that it's not true. The valley of denial, grief, anger, shock feels like it started all over again. I say this because I feel weak, worn, and battered. I cry out to Him again and again in anguish, my mother heart full of pain and loneliness for Kira. I am human, with a human mind and I can't see His or know His whole plan for us, for Marlea, for Anna. Again because He has shown me without a doubt that He is God, I choose to trust my heavenly Father who loves me and gave His own Son for me.
We say thanks again this week for your prayers and care for us. It feels like touches of love from Jesus to us. Touches we feel very much. Pray that we will slumber peacefully. Pray for Merlin's physical healing. Pray that we will know how to guide Marlea.
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Separation
We feel separation. We feel it intensely, daily, every minute. We are separated from Kira for the rest of our time here on earth. We will live, grow older, change. She will not change with us. We will never see her as a teenager, young woman, mother, or grandmother. We will always wonder what she looks like in heaven and we will never know until we get there. My arrival could be tomorrow, next year, thirty or fifty years. I don't know. Separation could go on and on for what seems like a long time to us. But, to Kira a thousand years are as one day. My human mind can't fathom that. My mother heart wants to reach out and touch her. I can't - I am on earth and she in heaven. I want to hold her hand, run my hand thru her fine, silky hair. I - can't I am on earth and she in heaven. I want to make her breakfast, put on her shoes and coat. I can't - she doesn't need them. I want to care for her when she is sick, cold, and lonely. I can't - she never is. I want to her to run towards me into my arms and give me a sound smoochy kiss. I can't - she isn't mine anymore. I beg God for another chance, to have the knowledge about HIB and do it over. I can't - she is already gone. Death, final forever to us here on this earth. Death, the only thing that can be this life changing. Death, what steals a normal day and turns it into your worst nightmare. Separation, what death brings. Separation, what people in hell will feel when they look into heaven. Heaven - a place beyond our human minds, where I am going.
The only thing that really matters to me is whether or not people go to heaven.
Last night we were again feeling so sad. Friday night, here comes the weekend and all the fun family time we used to have. Feeling the pains of separation. The longing for her, God and heaven. Crying out for comfort to our Heavenly Father. At night, when everything is dark and still God seems so close to us. I could picture Him holding us just like He held Kira in His arms those days and nights in the hospital. Again, we trust Him blindly to heal our broken hearts.
One verse that I keep thinking of. It's so real to me. "Jesus wept" John 11:35
We feel so cared for and thank you all for that. Your kind words, care, and cards are a picture of Jesus to us.
The Yutzy's
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
The only thing that really matters to me is whether or not people go to heaven.
Last night we were again feeling so sad. Friday night, here comes the weekend and all the fun family time we used to have. Feeling the pains of separation. The longing for her, God and heaven. Crying out for comfort to our Heavenly Father. At night, when everything is dark and still God seems so close to us. I could picture Him holding us just like He held Kira in His arms those days and nights in the hospital. Again, we trust Him blindly to heal our broken hearts.
One verse that I keep thinking of. It's so real to me. "Jesus wept" John 11:35
We feel so cared for and thank you all for that. Your kind words, care, and cards are a picture of Jesus to us.
The Yutzy's
Marylu and Merlin, Marlea, Anna
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Pain
Pain, pain, pain - our lives are full of it. Everywhere I turn, it follows me. I try to run away, but it goes with me; I try to pretend it belongs to someone else, but it doesn't. I try to give it away, but no one wants it. No one except Jesus, He opens His arms wide and I give my pain to Him again - daily, hourly, and moment by moment. I can't feel Him, but I read in my Bible that He is close to the broken hearted - I believe that describes us. Brokenhearted, sliced open with a knife, exposing the core. We want our hearts to be able to experience the pain, to feel, to be real. Through being able to feel pain we trust Jesus to heal us, to bind up our wounds, to make us whole again. We will be the same people, but we will never be the same. I find that every day we need to adjust to a difficult new kind of normal. It will take time and patience.
We feel the gap in ages so strongly in our little family with five years between Marlea and Anna. The gap will always be there, but we will somewhat adjust to it. It struck me recently that Marlea will be 21 when Anna turns 16. Marlea especially will feel the gap the rest of her life with the loss of her playmate and best friend. She doesn't like to play alone or even be alone, since Kira was a soulmate to her. The last six months especially they were together all the time. It is painful to be without Kira as her parent, but it is intensified when we see Marlea alone, lonely, and trying to sort out life. When I cry, she often comes and sits on my lap, rubs my arm, and says: "It's okay Mommy, Kira is with Jesus". God takes care of the children!
We feel your prayers...thanks so much for them! Please continue to intercede for us.
Merlin and Marylu, Marlea, Anna
We feel the gap in ages so strongly in our little family with five years between Marlea and Anna. The gap will always be there, but we will somewhat adjust to it. It struck me recently that Marlea will be 21 when Anna turns 16. Marlea especially will feel the gap the rest of her life with the loss of her playmate and best friend. She doesn't like to play alone or even be alone, since Kira was a soulmate to her. The last six months especially they were together all the time. It is painful to be without Kira as her parent, but it is intensified when we see Marlea alone, lonely, and trying to sort out life. When I cry, she often comes and sits on my lap, rubs my arm, and says: "It's okay Mommy, Kira is with Jesus". God takes care of the children!
We feel your prayers...thanks so much for them! Please continue to intercede for us.
Merlin and Marylu, Marlea, Anna
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Memories of Kira's funeral
This is Wednesday, March 4. It's hard to believe that it is a week ago already that Kira passed on to be with Jesus. We thank all of you from the bottom of our hearts for your love, support, and prayers. Why this all had to happen we will never fully understand in our human minds. But, we do know that God is a big God and knows and understands us beyond our comprehension. The call to trust Him even in the darkest hour of our lives still is so real to us. Now that everything is over...I ask Him why and He whispers "Trust Me." I want to run, but He draws me gently back to Himself and I go willingly. I wish I could describe in words how it feels to give a child back to God that was given to you. The joy I felt as I held her in my arms, the joy that came from knowing that I loved this child well, with no regrets. It was a gift I sent along back with her to heaven. The glory of God in that room was too much for my human body, I covered my face in my hands and cried out to God. His glory was so great I wanted to hide like Moses did. In all my wanderings and confusion, one thing that is so real to me that I will never forget and that is that I know that God is real!
For those of you that weren't able to come to the funeral. We are so grateful for the beautiful music before and during the service. Three of our close friends shared their hearts thru song. It was so healing to listen to the words of Jesus thru them. This Little Light of Mine was so special, it's Marlea's favorite and her and Kira couldn't wait til it came on on Oasis latest Cd. My father, John Glick had the Devotional Meditation. Kira was special to him, he had a very calming effect on her life. Jason Smoker shared a message with us that was very touching. He is known as the Smartie Man at church because he gives Smarties to the children after church. He was very important to Kira. Thanks so much Jason, for your words of Life!
Merlin wrote this poem for Kira and shared it at the funeral.
A Tribute to Kira-by her daddy
God sends His love to us
In many ways its shown
Three years ago it was a girl
As Kira she was known
It was not long until we knew
We had a special child
Kira quickly grew and really soon
She was on her feet, running wild
Soon after that she learned quite well
Dad's time was spent across the street
And any chance she had she'd try
To catch up to her daddy's feet
Kira's fingers found a way
To cinch her daddy's heart
And though one tenth his age
As friends like this, how can we part?
Her cherub smile and winsome gaze
Found ways into many a heart
Though she'll not come back, we know
Memories of Kira will not depart
Then stumbling through a maze of confusion
We seek to claim God's healing grace
In life, we'll find enough to go on
In heaven, doubts flee when seeing His face!
So briefly lay down your cares and remember
God's time is not your own, you see
Give loved ones a hug or tender kiss
Doing so will continue the legacy of Kiki
Kira's favorite song was Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. I never understood why it had to be this one. It put her to sleep many a night when she was wound tight. Many nights when she was a baby and up for hours at a time I sang this song over and over to her. If I tried to sing another one she would slap my face. I sang it at her bedside in the hospital and I promised her I would sing it at the funeral. Here are the words for those of you that might not know the song.
Chorus:
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, coming forth to carry me home, swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry me home.
Verse:
I looked over Jordan and what did I see, coming forth to carry me home, a band of angels coming after me, coming forth to carry me home
Swing Low, Sweet Kira-oh, coming forth to carry me home, swing low, sweet Kira-oh, coming forth to carry me home.
Verse:
If you get there before I do, coming forth to carry me home, just tell my friends that I am coming there too, coming forth to carry me home.
Second Chorus
On Tuesday evening I added another chorus that came straight out of my heart because while I was singing it, this is exactly what was happening.
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, coming forth to carry her home, swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry her home.
We also read Curious George and the Holidays, one of Kira's favorite stories. One thing always happens in those stories, the man with the yellow hat always comes at the right time, just like Jesus.
She loved Hershey kisses, flowers, and bubbles. Except her bubbles most times ended up on the ground. At the gravesite we threw hershey kisses, daisy's and the kids blew bubbles. It was therapy for Merlin and I to watch the children deal with grief in the kind of way that she would have.
Kira's last Sunday School craft was the picture of hands folded in prayer. In the middle her teacher had pasted sticky notes. She had tried to write her name on it. At the bottom is the verse from Matthew 26:39 "Not as I will, but as Thou wilt."
I say all these things, but one thing remains the same. That is that I know God is real because He gave me a taste of what heaven is like and I am not going to miss it.
Because of Jesus,
Marylu, Merlin, Marlea, and Anna
I will probably post again sometime in the next weeks
For those of you that weren't able to come to the funeral. We are so grateful for the beautiful music before and during the service. Three of our close friends shared their hearts thru song. It was so healing to listen to the words of Jesus thru them. This Little Light of Mine was so special, it's Marlea's favorite and her and Kira couldn't wait til it came on on Oasis latest Cd. My father, John Glick had the Devotional Meditation. Kira was special to him, he had a very calming effect on her life. Jason Smoker shared a message with us that was very touching. He is known as the Smartie Man at church because he gives Smarties to the children after church. He was very important to Kira. Thanks so much Jason, for your words of Life!
Merlin wrote this poem for Kira and shared it at the funeral.
A Tribute to Kira-by her daddy
God sends His love to us
In many ways its shown
Three years ago it was a girl
As Kira she was known
It was not long until we knew
We had a special child
Kira quickly grew and really soon
She was on her feet, running wild
Soon after that she learned quite well
Dad's time was spent across the street
And any chance she had she'd try
To catch up to her daddy's feet
Kira's fingers found a way
To cinch her daddy's heart
And though one tenth his age
As friends like this, how can we part?
Her cherub smile and winsome gaze
Found ways into many a heart
Though she'll not come back, we know
Memories of Kira will not depart
Then stumbling through a maze of confusion
We seek to claim God's healing grace
In life, we'll find enough to go on
In heaven, doubts flee when seeing His face!
So briefly lay down your cares and remember
God's time is not your own, you see
Give loved ones a hug or tender kiss
Doing so will continue the legacy of Kiki
Kira's favorite song was Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. I never understood why it had to be this one. It put her to sleep many a night when she was wound tight. Many nights when she was a baby and up for hours at a time I sang this song over and over to her. If I tried to sing another one she would slap my face. I sang it at her bedside in the hospital and I promised her I would sing it at the funeral. Here are the words for those of you that might not know the song.
Chorus:
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, coming forth to carry me home, swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry me home.
Verse:
I looked over Jordan and what did I see, coming forth to carry me home, a band of angels coming after me, coming forth to carry me home
Swing Low, Sweet Kira-oh, coming forth to carry me home, swing low, sweet Kira-oh, coming forth to carry me home.
Verse:
If you get there before I do, coming forth to carry me home, just tell my friends that I am coming there too, coming forth to carry me home.
Second Chorus
On Tuesday evening I added another chorus that came straight out of my heart because while I was singing it, this is exactly what was happening.
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, coming forth to carry her home, swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry her home.
We also read Curious George and the Holidays, one of Kira's favorite stories. One thing always happens in those stories, the man with the yellow hat always comes at the right time, just like Jesus.
She loved Hershey kisses, flowers, and bubbles. Except her bubbles most times ended up on the ground. At the gravesite we threw hershey kisses, daisy's and the kids blew bubbles. It was therapy for Merlin and I to watch the children deal with grief in the kind of way that she would have.
Kira's last Sunday School craft was the picture of hands folded in prayer. In the middle her teacher had pasted sticky notes. She had tried to write her name on it. At the bottom is the verse from Matthew 26:39 "Not as I will, but as Thou wilt."
I say all these things, but one thing remains the same. That is that I know God is real because He gave me a taste of what heaven is like and I am not going to miss it.
Because of Jesus,
Marylu, Merlin, Marlea, and Anna
I will probably post again sometime in the next weeks
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